I have never felt so low :( my heart is hurting x

[ZoeSxx]

Hello guys,
Not sure why I'm here really.
Just to vent I suppose.

I'd been with my partner just over 5 years. He wasn't a very good partner. . We have a 3 year older son between us and we both have children from previous relationships.

He's quite a selfish person. He never moved in with us permanently. Although he was here every day/night he wouldn't go on the tenancy etc. It was clear he didn't want ties.
It killed me.

Anyway....... here's my big question I would like opinions on...

When I was pregnant I never met his family he wouldn't let me (crazy) I then gave birth to our boy and it took him 3 months to invite us to go meet his family.
We went a few times then it all stopped.
He goes to his families in Sunday's for dinner etc me and our son are never invited and me and the kids are left at home which is fine I'm not a cry baby but it's become more and more apparent we are not part of his life.
I started to feel like the nobody who brings the kids up at home.

Anyway .... for a while he's been very very cold.
I'm talking... when I go up to him and hug him he will roll his eyes and huff! Honestly it destroyed me. Sex was hit and miss aswel.
I kept asking him why and he said no reason.
I felt disgusting and ugly and awful and it sent me to a terrible place of frustration and depression.

He'd even say.. why are you so depressed all the time? And I'd say... because I'm worn out and tired and I don't even get a hug from my partner. You don't come near me.

Anyway... I woke up Friday morning and something just spoke to me in my head.. And guided me.
I'm not on social media but he is...

I found his Facebook and there is a woman who is a family friend and very close to his family it's actually his sisters best mate...
he has been liking every photo of her dressed up in going out dresses and heels. He has been commenting "you are so blessed" to photos of her dressed up etc.

I confronted him straight away.
First... I showed him a photo of her and I said.. do you think she is pretty? And he said who is it? I don't know her!

I said yes you do you've been liking all her photos and showed him the comments and he said oh yeah her.

She is there at his family events etc the ones I'm never invited to. He wrote happy birthday on her page with love hearts etc.

Look.. I know it doesn't mean they've slept together or whatever BUT he's made these comments and shown interest to other women all over social media for everyone to see whilst telling me he'd never show me because he likes a private life.

Nobody knows about me apart from his close family. If you looked at his Facebook he looks a single man. There's no trace of me or our son.

I've chucked him out.
2 weeks before Xmas.
The kids are sad. I'm sad. But I can't take the disrespect anymore. I'm so so low. It's took me all day to just clean the house and I've still got loads to do. I feel awful and horrible. Nobody to cry on.
I know he won't ask about our son now over Xmas and I've still got all the Xmas shopping to do alone.

I just feel so down xxxx

Good for you. Make sure he financially supports his son.

Zoe, I am very sorry for your devastation. You absolutely made the wisest decision by showing him the door. He’s been acting like a single man, and treating you and your children with callous disregard and contempt.

Keep your anger, as that will help you move through the grieving process, and you will find the strength and resilience to see you through. If he tries to slither back in, don’t give him the time of day. Contact between you should only relate to arrangements for your child.

Keep posting here for support, Zoe.

Its good that he's gone now, it should've be done long time ago. He sounds horrible and these relations too.

You were already alone anyway OP, now you just need to get used to him physically not being there. Once you have, it'll be better.

CONGRATULATIONS.

Well done for recognising your worth.
Well done for removing this obtuse cretin from your life.
Well done for standing up for your child and refusing to let him exist as some secret.
Well done for making it this far.

Like a PP said, think of it has having had a operation (a uselessdicketomy, if you will). It will hurt now, but the pain WILL fade and ultimately you will be far far better off.

Good on you for doing this. You need to show your kids that there are consequences for treating people like shit. I doubt your kids will miss him too much, he seemed like a part time lodger rather than an actively involved father.

I do think you need to look at yourself to see why you put up with this for so many years, when it was always clear he wasn't committed - he has never even moved in. And see what you want to change to make sure you dont give so much of yourself again without getting anything back. To be honest I'd see him pursuing another woman as a positive in that its given you the push you needed to take action, it's the tip of the iceberg in terms of his wider behaviour

Well done for doing this. I think you’re incredibly strong. You deserve better

WELL DONE. You have done the right thing without any shadow of doubt.

Even before you found out that he was (at best) pursuing another woman, you knew he was a bad partner. In fact partner isn't the word. He doesn't act like a partner.

He is selfish, disrespectful, doesn't show love or care, utterly dismissive of you and your feelings. And a bad father too. You will be 1000 times happier without him. It might feel hard now, because it's a big life change, but it's without doubt the right thing.

He's never shown commitment or love to you.

You can now be happily single, you can have a cosy, calm and loving home with your lovely DCs. When you're ready, you might find someone else - someone who treats you like his number 1, who is proud of you, can't wait to introduce you to his family and friends, who shows you love and affection.

You can do this.

Be kind to yourself because he certainly hasn’t been. Like others have said even before discovering the other woman things weren’t right.

Do something to treat yourself even if something small. Also hopefully you can find some enjoyment at Christmas with your children.

Thanks everyone so much.
Still not heard from him since he left which is fine.
I dropped my little boy to play group this morning and cried all the way home. I watched him walk in and take his coat off etc and my heart aches and I told myself how did I stay with your dad who doesn't apreciate any of us for so long. I just looked at him and knew he deserved better. I'll never take him back.

All his stuff is still here I'm gona black bag it up. What do I do with it? I don't want o contact him for any reason what so ever ... x

Can you drop it off? Do you know where he’s staying? Drop it at his parents?

I know you haven’t come back since this morning but I just wanted to say how amazing you are. It’s not easy to end a shitty relationship, especially when you have children together but the fact that you won’t take anymore and have chucked out the utter wankstain is so impressive. If only all women were like you, your children have a strong role model to look up to. You should be proud of yourself.

Oh and ps in case I wasn’t clear enough, your ex is an absolute tool and has treated you abominably. Stay strong 💪🏼

Good girl. You reached your limit. He was giving you scraps of love and that petered out to nothing, no affection.

Your heart may ache now but believe me, being lonely in a relationship is soul destroying. The longer you tolerate it the more you lose your sparkle.

Day by day things will improve. I promise.

Thankyou everyone! Your words help me so much.

Yes it's very lonely being in a relationship with someone like this. It does destroy the soul it makes you mentally and physically and emotionally ill...

To be fair I feel stronger than I thought I would. I feel weirdly free. A bit lost. But free. I'm not sure what to do with myself when I'm not working or on days off when kids are at school but I'm sure I'll find a new me?

I know where his parents live yes but I am not wasting my petrol and turning up there. They are not the friendliest welcoming people either. I'm in a place of "out of site out of mind" I think I will bag it all up and throw it all to the back of the garage for now x x x

My brother said to me today.. "the only way he could get any worse is if he was violent"
And that hit me. And it's true. And he also said he's that bad try and not let him have much influence on your son. And honestly that is true. I'd hate my son to ever grow up thinking his dad is normal. Honestly his dad has nothing to offer. Not even his own place to take him.
He is also 54. It is a shocking mess xxx

You are amazing! So brave! So many of us out there put up with shit snd you have been brave enough to do the best thing for your children.

Well done on your resolve Zoe.