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Relationships

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Original poster

Christmas, leaving dh to his family.

18 replies

Justcannotbearsed · 12/12/2021 17:30

DH and I aren’t getting on well. He had a bereavement 2 years ago, at Christmas, and he finds this time of year hard. But he’s often quite a misery which I find it hard to ignore. He likes hanging out with his grown up kids, parents, his ex.

I feel like a spare part, miserable that I’ve nor really organised anything for me at Christmas. It’s too far to see my family…and, covid.

Partly I knoww I’m pissed off as we’ll be cooking and entertaining all his lot this year and I cannot be bothered with it. I’ve detached from it all more and more every year, but my friends are coupled up so hard for me to get out with them.

There’s a friend who might be on her own this year and I’m wondering if me and her should just arrange to go out Christmas Day. If it wasn’t covid I’d be suggesting her and me went away.

I wouldn’t be missed I don’t think.

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 12/12/2021 17:32

Definitely do it. You only live once, carve out the life you want with the people that treasure you.

moni34 · 12/12/2021 17:33

Sorry to read this OP!
No one should feel as "a spare part" at Christmas. I think it's a brilliant idea to spend it with your friend & do things you enjoy
Is your DH bothered by the idea of you not attending? Xxx

ImInStealthMode · 12/12/2021 17:34

Go away with your friend anyway, you don't have to go far?

QuestionNumberOne · 12/12/2021 17:40

Do it. Definitely.

Willowkins · 12/12/2021 17:41

Or go to a hotel (bound to be cancellations somewhere) and have a fab time on your own. Also, start thinking about where you want to be next year.

MMmomDD · 12/12/2021 17:42

OP - no one should be miserable and feel the way you do. Are you and H planning to divorce? Because by the sound of it, you have checked out of the marriage.

But on the other hand - his family and kids coming over for Xmas - is part of what people do in relationships?
If you aren’t planning to divorce - than I do think it sounds a little (a lot) passive aggressive on your side to just leave.
Why not invite your single friend along and make it a nice celebration for all?

You knew he had a family and kids when you got together with him. So feeling like a spare wheel - may be somewhat unfair. Why shouldn’t he like to spend holidays with his parents and kids. Not sure how his Ex fits in - but modern families these days…🤷🏻‍♀️

As to travel - even with covid it’s possible. If you really feel this down and want to be with yours - just go to them. That, at least, would be understandable.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/12/2021 17:45

Unless you or your friend are CEV I'm not sure why you wouldn't go away "because covid". I mean you've left it late to book. But lots of hotels are doing specials for Xmas. Try Airbnb as well. Plenty of places available Xmas eve to boxing day under £300.

Things at home sound miserable. Time to take direct action in 2022?

Chloemol · 12/12/2021 18:00

Could you go to your family before Christmas and stay until we’ll after! So a longer period

EverNapping · 12/12/2021 18:08

I don't have a partner, just a family and siblings young families.

I'm fed up of feeling alone in a crowd at Christmas, so I'm off on holiday.

Go for it.

Takenoprisoner · 12/12/2021 18:43

Definitely do it.

Does he invite his ex for Xmas at yours? Wasn't clear, but if so, that would prove where his priorities lie. And it's not with you.

frozendaisy · 12/12/2021 20:55

Or invite your single friend to you.
You two drink Bailey's and hang out in kitchen cooking (yapping and drinking turkeys take forever to cook) Spotify playlist on.

Ignore the others as much as you can

Original poster

Justcannotbearsed · 12/12/2021 21:31

Ideal situation friend coming to us. Unfortunately friend isn’t that keen to come, worried she’s intruding, or that’ll it’ll just be hard work. And ex has been coming to Christmas for years at ours. She’s a help but she does rather dominate the conversation. I just miss being near my family and having someone pay some attention to me.

And yes just fucking off would be v passive aggressive, I agree. Still tempting though.

Dh doesn’t help by being shit at presents and not recognising that he needs to think about me a bit. I know it’s niggling him though as he’s just thrown a wobbler when I said he was going out quite a lot and leaving me to look after daughter in law who is turning up without his son (overseas posting),

OP posts:

Original poster

Justcannotbearsed · 12/12/2021 21:31

And yes just fucking off would be v passive aggressive, I agree. Still tempting though.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 12/12/2021 21:39

No-one should feel like a spare part in their own home, especially at Christmas! I would definitely go, and while you are gone consider if this is how your life should be?

SarahBellam · 12/12/2021 22:04

I’d fuck off with my friend. Let him do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and entertaining for his family while you go and have fun somewhere you are valued and appreciated. In your shoes I’d do it in a heartbeat.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2021 22:10

What do you mean thrown a wobbler? That doesn’t sound like niggling him as in he’s feeling bad. If he’s going to make you miserable at Christmas I don’t think you’re obligated to hang around, host his family and watch him be nicer to them than he is to you. I don’t think you have to do that when it’s not Christmas either. Make your plans.

billy1966 · 12/12/2021 23:20

He sounds awful.

Are you the skivvy hosting all his crowd?

What a miserable Christmas that sounds like.

Suggest meeting your friend at a hotel.

People will treat you as badly as you allow.

Jsku · 12/12/2021 23:36

I don’t know. It sounds like there are issues and resentments in the relationship is general.
I have spent many Xmas’s with my exH large family and, yes, one does feel out of place a bit. But it is normal if you are not with your side of the family.
It seems that because you aren’t happy with him otherwise - Xmas brings it to focus for you.

Is divorce an option you are considering? This doesn’t sound like a situation that is likely to resolve on its own.

On another note - why do you need to look after a grown up DIL? I presume she can busy herself and use your kitchen, if she is a guest in the house?

Flip