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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My birthday today and I’m so sad, old and no family or partner

8 replies

ThisIsAShops · 12/12/2021 13:26

Just that really.

I’ve got a nice day planned with a friend but I’m just sad. I know tonight I will just breakdown.

The last year or so I dated a lot. Met an amazing man who broke up with me because he felt under stress with life. That was his explanation, even when I said I would support him he just went distant. I was broken. I’m so so exhausted and sad and I can’t see how I will ever find anyone and have a family now. For personal reasons a family alone would be be an option for me.

OP posts:
ThisIsAShops · 12/12/2021 13:27

Sorry don’t know what I’m asking. Just feel like a big black cloud is over me. My younger brother (8 years younger) announced his engagement on Friday too and I’m happy and sad at the same time.

OP posts:
MirrorMirrorApplePie · 12/12/2021 13:30

Happy birthday 🎂 have an amazing time with your friend, get a takeaway, chocolate, wine - whatever you love in for tonight and focus on treating yourself

readingismycardio · 12/12/2021 13:32

Happy birthday, OP! 🎂 How old are you turning today? I hope you will enjoy your birthday after all. Eat something nice, watch/read something nice and be kind to yourself.

MyOtherProfile · 12/12/2021 13:32

Don't give up. Life will get better. Just keep putting things in place. Just because this relationship didn't work doesn't mean the next one won't.

hivemindneeded · 12/12/2021 13:38

Happy Birthday OP.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It's understandable. The things you want in life are very reasonable and I'm sorry you have not yet found them.

Are all the other aspects of your life going well? If not, and if changing them is within your control, could you focus on them for a while, just so that they support you while this vital aspect of life and happiness is not working out for now? Can you focus on really getting your fitness and health in peak condition? Your home surroundings too. Is there any way to improve your work situation? Do you have a bucket list of adventures that you could start to explore and tick off?

I'm not suggesting any of these compensate for not having a partner and not being in a position to have a family, but I think it is crucial to make sure that the hole this leaves isn't made any wider by other things getting impacted or ignored.

You say having a family alone is not an option, but there is a matching website for people who actively want to become parents and have no partner. It's to match with a co-parent, not a romantic match, though there is also a section for people ready to start a family who are looking for romance too. It's called Modamily.

TheFoundations · 12/12/2021 15:04

You must be in your late 30s, I'm guessing, if you're thinking it's unlikely you'll 'have time' to have a family, now. There are more options than you think. The path doesn't have to be 'Get married, get a house, have 2.4 children, grow old together with pipe and slippers.' You don't have to attach your happiness to that idea. Do something different.

Also, sometimes it helps to recognise that everybody feels crap sometimes, and to have a little self indulgent wallow. It's self soothing, and quite nice on your birthday, to settle down on a comfy sofa with a box of chocolates and a bottle of red, put a big blanket over yourself, and watch 3 films in a row. In fact, many, many people with the husband and kids you wish you had would kill for the opportunity to do that. Indulge yourself in having a little cry, accepting that you're feeling shit, and giving yourself a supportive cuddle, some love, and some treats. Be your own shoulder to cry on. It's ok to feel shitty sometimes. Don't pressure yourself to feel differently; we can't control our feelings (the world would be a very different place if we could), they are our own personal wilderness. They are the part of us that stays 'nature'. Sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it rains, and all of it is ok. All we can do is respect and accept, and do things that help us feel nice, regardless of the emotional 'season'. The more things you do to make you feel nice, the sooner the season will change. Give yourself that gift for your birthday: 'This year, I'm going to do lovely things for myself.' Flowers

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 12/12/2021 15:10

Happy Birthday!! Cake

1Ta1T · 12/12/2021 16:13

Happy birthday. Have you treated yourself? If not, it is not too late (Uber Eats etc).

Life can be hard sometimes, but sometimes it is how we respond to the things it throws at us that makes the big difference. So, do you like yourself? If not, what do you need to change to like yourself? Do you have the right sort of friends and do you make the rigtht efrfort with them? Ask yourself a few other questions like that and be constructive and pro-active if any of the answers are negative. (For example, I made myself feel better about myself by giving more of my time to charities. In some ways a little thing, but it meant I was able to pat myself on the back more. Similarly, I had friends but I didn't show enough interest in them so I got more curious and less passive, and my friendships became more rewarding. And so on. )

And I know you are worried about love and babies, but you need to get the foundations right first.

Happy birthday by the way, again.

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