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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex left me for another women

22 replies

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 11:10

Hi all
So me and my ex split up when our baby was just 1 month old (his lack of responsibility, he always put himself first ...)
We were supposed to try make it work and was more then happy to come visit whenever he needed to borrow money or eat warm meal but then I just found out on fb that his in a relationship with another women. It was like someone put a knife through my heart.
He's 30 years old and has a daughter from his previous relationship and she's not even 3 years old. Our daughter is 7 months old. I know for fact not being with him is probably the best thing that could possibly happen to me but I can't help it and I feel so let down. Also my family leaves really far so I don't really get to see them and it only makes matters worse as I feel so lonely all the time and thinking it's not fair for him to be happy when me on the other hand I'm so miserable. He's also not paying child maintanance yet get to see his baby every weekend. Should I feel bad or should I be happy I'm not with him anymore?
He's never done anything nice for me yet constantly going out with his new gf so clearly he has got the money for this but not to pay for his child.
Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:

Ozanj · 12/12/2021 11:13

Move closer to your family. He can use the maintenance he isn’t giving to you to fund transport.

ThePontiacBandit · 12/12/2021 11:30

Ugh he sounds awful. You’ve seen his true colours. It’s natural to be disappointed that it didn’t work out and that he wasn’t who you thought he was. But realistically if this is who he is, any “happiness” with the new girlfriend is based on falsehoods and it won’t last. Claim through the CMS so you get the money you need, think about moving closer to your family like Ozanj says. Start rebuilding your life without him.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 11:46

Thank you both for your replies. Moving closer to my family unfortunately is not an option as they all live outside UK. And he made it clear to me he would make my life hell if I'll try to take his daughter away from him. Basically I shouldn't be allowed to move more then a 100 miles away if that's even the thing.
I did go through CMS and they moved the case to pay and collect but that takes time.
I think the problem is with me not wanting him to be happy and I really wish his relationship with this girl sucks and eventually she sees what she brought on herself. I'm not the kind of person to wish anything bad to anybody but in his case and I just can't help it I really want him to be unhappy for what he has done to me and the little one.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 12/12/2021 12:29

@Pinkyuk88

Thank you both for your replies. Moving closer to my family unfortunately is not an option as they all live outside UK. And he made it clear to me he would make my life hell if I'll try to take his daughter away from him. Basically I shouldn't be allowed to move more then a 100 miles away if that's even the thing. I did go through CMS and they moved the case to pay and collect but that takes time. I think the problem is with me not wanting him to be happy and I really wish his relationship with this girl sucks and eventually she sees what she brought on herself. I'm not the kind of person to wish anything bad to anybody but in his case and I just can't help it I really want him to be unhappy for what he has done to me and the little one.

Is his name on the birth certificate? If not then as the Mum you don’t need to clear taking her abroad with him as you are the only parent. Then if he wants custody or access he can go through the courts of your home country.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 12:37

Unfortunately he is and she's got his surname. I wouldn't wanna move as I've been in the UK for 15 years and this is my home now. Doesn't make me miss my family any less and I wish they were closer. I used to get support from his family as his mum resented how he acted but now suddenly she's embracing his new relationship. I understand that's her son but seriously?
I'm all by myself and it sucks. I wish I've never met him. Or his family for that matter.

OP posts:

Maze76 · 12/12/2021 12:47

Your mixed feelings are perfectly natural, he’s treated you and your daughter with utter disrespect, while living it up with his new flame. Of course you wish him ill, but like you said he’s not a nice person, he adds nothing to you or your daughters life and from the sound of it, he’s done this before and will more than likely do it again to someone else.
I think part of the issue is that you are lonely. Try and focus on building a life for you and your daughter and don’t factor him in your life at all.
Perhaps see if you can join a mothers and baby club, see if there any classes being run in your area that you can join… start doing things for you.

Ozanj · 12/12/2021 12:52

@Pinkyuk88

Unfortunately he is and she's got his surname. I wouldn't wanna move as I've been in the UK for 15 years and this is my home now. Doesn't make me miss my family any less and I wish they were closer. I used to get support from his family as his mum resented how he acted but now suddenly she's embracing his new relationship. I understand that's her son but seriously? I'm all by myself and it sucks. I wish I've never met him. Or his family for that matter.

Oh dear. Yes that is shit. In that case focus on applying for child maintenance through CMS. Then he doesn’t get a choice about withholding it - it gets taken automatically from his salary. It’s not fair that he gets access to his dd, doesn’t pay maintenance AND dictates where you can go (or not). You need to take back control.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 13:15

Thank you all for all your replies it makes me feel good knowing I've got support out there even tho I don't know you in person. There is so much more to the story.
When we got together his first daughter was only 9 months old. He's been separated from her mom for 5 months at this point and I took on my role of stepmom very well I would say specially when I had no experience with babies previously. I started cooking her as I thought she would benefit from home cooked meals rather then processed shit he's been getting for her. I played with her I sang with her, cleaned her room and sorted everything for her(when I moved in there was old dirty nappies all over the floor)basically took in charge of everything. Then obviously he got very comfortable with this as eventually I was the one looking after her whilst he's been out with his mates. Got to the point his daughter would run towards me and ignore him when we came to collect her from her mum. And then I got pregnant and it was fine at first but eventually I got tired I was there for everything. I paid the rent and the bills. I bought clothes for his daughter because he wouldn't and I felt bad for her and I had really bad seatica through my pregnancy sometimes I couldn't even walk. And when I told him it's his job too look after his daughter as I'm in really a lot of pain he made me being resentful towards her and being toxic. He just wouldn't see the bigger picture. I was tired, pregnant in a lot of pain or was that just an excuse for him so he wouldn't make himself look like he's the bad guy for leaving us?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 13:19

That came out wrong. I wasn't resentful toward his daughter he made it sound like I was. Because I confronted him about not taking his role of a father as he should. And in his opinion that made me toxic person.

OP posts:

IknowwhatIneed · 12/12/2021 14:15

The warning signs were all there to be seen, he already had a child he had no real involvement with and now he has two. You can be angry and sad about it (god knows I would be), but ultimately you need to make a life for you and your child. If that means moving away, so be it though you may be able to build a support network where you are.

Part of building a life for yourself needs to include thinking about why you picked up his slack with his child and didn’t see the warning signs for yourself. He doesn’t want the work involved with small children, he already left one woman literally holding the baby and now he’s done the same with you. You’ve not done anything wrong here, it’s his pattern which you’ve got caught up in. Look at what you want for yourself and start working towards that, really don’t look for another relationship for a while, let yourself heal and grow. The new woman will be in your position soon enough, unless she’s smart enough to dump him first.

ResentfulAF · 12/12/2021 14:24

How did you feel about his most recent ex when you got together? Because that's basically the role you are in now.

He had ex with young baby and you were the new girlfriend.

Now you're the ex with a young baby and someone else is the new girlfriend.

Its a hard change in circumstances and adjustment to make. I'm so sorry you feel lonely and missing your family.

You are well shot of him. Look to making friends as a surrogate 'family' in this country and concentrate on making the best life for you and your little one.

Don't let him drag you down any more than he already has.

OurChristmasMiracle · 12/12/2021 14:37

First of all stop giving him money and stop cooking for him. Be busy when he sees his daughter. When he says I’m hungry state clearly you are here to spend time with your daughter not for me to feed you. Don’t allow him free access to the kitchen to help himself either.

Secondly claim maintenance for your daughter.

I would also recommend starting mediation in regards to contact moving forward so everything is official

Riverlee · 12/12/2021 14:44

Good riddance! He’s now twice become a father, and left their mother before the baby is a year old. Make a nice life for your and your baby. If you have a good relationship with his ex, then continue socialising with his first dc.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 14:48

ResenfulAF that's a good point. I thought about this a lot but he pictured her in my eyes(also his family did) as the biggest bitch and I naively believed it. I started talking to her recently and she's nothing less of a lovely woman instead. I apologised to her about having such bad opinion about her without getting to know her. She understood as she's been with him and know how he and his family are. Probably same thing happening now with his new gf. I'm the worst and he's just a poor little thing who had to keep up with me.

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/12/2021 14:50

What a loser this guy is. At least you have a beautiful child out of the relationship with him, such as it was; he sounds like he was never going to be a good bet. Don't feed him, let his girlfriend do that! I think you have your head screwed on right. Just don't cut him any slack, and make sure he coughs up maintenance for your girl.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 14:51

And no I don't give him any money or cook for him anymore. That was when I thought we were trying to make it work. At least I did, clearly he didn't have the same intention

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2021 14:56

@Ozanj

Move closer to your family. He can use the maintenance he isn’t giving to you to fund transport.

Absolutely this.

Stop trying to pander to him and take care of yourself. Your daughter will be all the happier for two loving grandparents in her life as opposed to a feckless waster of a father. And if he is that bothered, he can travel. Or not, who cares, his problem.

Go whilst your child is young and won't notice a difference.

Never give him money again.

something2say · 12/12/2021 15:04

Yes someone above hit this nail on the head.

Honestly my most helpful life tip to people is the idea of my own power within a situation I'm in. Why did I let this happen? Why did I proceed when I saw the signs? That sort of thing. Learnt it the hard way of course.

So, focus now on picking up the pieces of your life and rebuilding to make yourself happy. Stop seeing him on Facebook. Stop being soft on him, I know you said you have; great.

Start building a life of your own. Use child free times. And ask, what can I learn from this? That's the secret xx

Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2021 15:06

Sorry, just saw your update about parents being abroad.

I'd look into changing your childs surname back to yours op. Even if you don't mean to leave the country. There's no reason for het yo have his surname if you aren't married to him.

Even if she has his surname, is he actually named as the dad on the birth certificate? (maybe he has to be in order for the surname I suppose..).

I'd definitely move as far away from him as possible though. His kind often make big threats about taking the kids but let's be honest, there's no way they would because they wouldn't want rhe responsibility of actually looking after them.

Original poster

Pinkyuk88 · 12/12/2021 22:40

I already looked into the changing her surname unfortunately I need his permission to do it and he will never agree to it. I was hoping at least adding my surname but he's not interested. He's just a nasty human being. I hate I ever got involved with him. I hope my Lo gets to see him for who he really is once she's old enough and I hope she won't be too disappointed. I know how much my dad meant to me but he was an amazing father( he passed away when I was 23) so I would alway encourage my daughter to have a relationship with her dad but I'm afraid he'll only break her heart

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 13/12/2021 03:40

That's sucks about the surname.

Don't ever encourage her to have a relationship with a toxic person though. It doesn't matter who he he to her. He is not a nice man and you don't want to raise her to think that she has to give the time of day to anyone like that.

I'm not saying to try to keep her apart from him or to slag him off or anything. But definately dont encourage her to keep him in her life. And if he ever treats har badly, don't tell her nonsense like 'he loves you he just doesn't know how to show it'. Make sure to raise her to know that if men don't treat her right, it is not her job to excuse or tolerate it. Because there is no excuse for it and it should never be tolerated.

No doubt if she pulls away from him he will blame you, but so be it. You're an adult and have learned to see abuse for what it is. Raise her so that she doesn't have to learn the hard way like you did.

Onehotmess · 13/12/2021 04:13

With her surname, just call her by your surname on everything. When she starts nursery/school you can give a preferred surname (yours) that she’s known by and they will still keep a record of her ‘official’ surname for funding etc. Same with NHS. It sounds like a small thing but it’s not.
Your friends will hopefully rally round you. I would if I knew you! I’d be making sure you are ok. A lot! Please reach out to close friends if you haven’t already xxx

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