Ending very long marriage

[wishymore]

I’d like some advice on ending a very long marriage. Over 20 years. I haven’t been happy for many years and decided pre Covid I wanted out. Im really struggling with how to do this. I’m painfully shy and don’t have many friends and have always relied on my husband for company but I started to realise a few years ago that he doesn’t respect or need me at all and it’s left me feeling that I want out but no idea how to do it. We moved to an area with his family which is something we’ve always done. Moved where he wants. He holds all the power in our relationship and only ever does or goes where he wants. I have very little say in anything and no access to the bulk of the family money. Over the years there’s been a slow realisation that I’m in a very vulnerable position and even though I love him, my needs aren’t being met in any area of our life. It’s impossible to talk to him about any of this. He likes things the way they are. He has absolute control over everything. Even sex. It doesn’t happen often and when it does it’s crap. I haven’t had an orgasm with him in about 10 years. He’s fine. Sticks it in and comes and then off to the bathroom to clean himself up while I’m left high and dry. It’s just depressing. I love sex and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man who is this selfish. If I try talking to him about it then he doesn’t take it well. Like everything. I’m “berating” him and he goes into a long moody sulk for days or weeks and it’s just unpleasant to live with until I go to extraordinary lengths to smooth it over. I don’t know what to do. Apart from leave and try to rebuild my life. I’m extremely lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me and my feelings. Spends time on me in bed. Is loving. I’m not sure I’m explaining it very well. My main issue is that I’m approaching 60. I don’t have a good strong social circle and the whole thing seems impossible. Has anyone else left at my age and done it successfully and got their life sorted and happy? Thanks for reading

I think you would be happier on your own than with this horrible man.

Get some legal advice and figure out where you can afford to live, then make a plan to leave. What if he becomes ill and you end up as his carer for years? I think leaving now is a better option.

Thanks for your reply. I don’t think he’s horrible, he’s just very selfish and always had his own way. There’s a massive power imbalance in our relationship as I gave up work to look after the kids while his career forged ahead. I regret doing that. Many years ago I gave up the opportunity of a brilliant job because he refused to move to that area. With hindsight I should have gone anyway. The relationship wouldn’t have survived. I just think I’ve accepted less and less and lost my voice because he’s very very sure of himself, charismatic and arrogant. Cock of the walk. It was fine when I was younger and had the kids for distraction and to give me cuddles/affection but now they’ve got older and their own lives I’m left in a bit of a void to be honest and not sure how to move forward.

Make a solicitor's appointment asap. Take as much information as you can with you about housing situation, mortgage, bank accounts, pensions etc
I think you'll feel more confident and in control once you know your rights and what life post-divorce might look like.
You honestly can do this. Clichė, but you only have one life and you're wasting yours. You are stronger than you think

Thanks for the advice and I have previously seen a solicitor so I do have some idea of what I’m entitled to. It’s a huge amount of money. It’s just all made me really sad and depressed. I feel pathetic. In theory he’s got hold of loads of my/our money. I have no power over it. He’s extremely intelligent and I’m sure he’s investing it well but the point is that I don’t know. I have no access to any of it. I have a really crap badly paid part time job as it’s all I could get during Covid and after being a stay at home mum for so long. There’s just a huge gulf in power in our marriage and I feel it because I’ve been made to feel it if that makes sense. There have been comments over the years about how it’s his house etc. that’s mostly stopped now but it’s taken a lot of energy on my part defending my role and left resentment that I’ve had to even have those conversations. He eventually transferred me some money after much argument so I’ve got some in my own account now but it’s not even 10% of the overall family funds. I guess it’s the principle of it. Why shouldn’t I have control of 50% of the money? It’s made me feel like I’m not important if that makes any sense at all?

Come on, you can do this. Women do leave in their 60s and live happy and fulfilled lives. This is your life and your time to be happy. I wish you courage and joy.

Have written username

Get back to the solicitor and get the show on the road.

But you have power. He is just too dim to see it.
You get 1 life.
Go back to the solicitor and get it sorted.
Yes, it will be painful short term. But you will end up in a better place.

I am divorced - started proceedings when I was 48 and my ex husband finally moved out when I was 49.

The divorce was a marathon and a pretty horrible one but I put my head down and did it - surviving day by day.

I am now 52 (almost 53) and I don’t know if I will ever meet anyone else. That feels sad. But every day I am happy that I am divorced and freed from the horrible dysfunction that was my marriage. My ex was controlling as well and used to not talk to me for weeks and weeks at a time.

I am one hundred percent happy to be divorced, and like you I was scared beforehand - for many years in fact I put it off and wish I had done it sooner.

Do you have access to enough money from anywhere to pay for a solicitor?

By that I mean to pay for a solicitor to support you through the whole thing.

You have masses of power, OP. Start divorce proceedings using a solicitor who you like and trust. Join a couple of hobby groups such a ramblers and a book club. Gradually you'll make friends. Consider counselling to help boost your self esteem and confidence.

You are much better off living alone than with this selfish unpleasant man.

Remember you have limitless power because you have decided that you deserve a happy life

Just a quick reply. I did it. Was around 60. Never been happier. Once alone I was able to build my social life back up from zero. Get a good solicitor. I did lose a little financially but I'm SO much happier. You can do this and you will be so much happier too. Good luck.

I really want you to do this. Please don't stay where you are unhappy, you deserve so much more x

Ramblers is a good recommendation, parkrun is too (you don't even have to run - volunteering is just as social if not more so).
My Mum's husband left her (met someone else and just - went - ) after decades of marriage. She met someone new at a hobby group and they lived happily ever after.
60s is not too old, particularly these days.

I did it at 54, so a bit younger. Six years later I still wake up every day and celebrate being divorced. I got my allies (a solicitor and a second dog) and just plugged away, my object being to get the decree absolute within one year. I didn’t tell my friends until it was over. I did tell my DC, who were supportive though uninvolved. I didn’t sleep with another man for more than a year after the absolute but my god, I have great sex now!!

Now, my life is happy. I live it for myself, but there is room for my dogs, my DC, my work, my friends and my lover. There is so much room now my headspace is not cluttered with unhappiness and dismay!

Find your inner warrior and get on with it. Good luck!

Thanks for all the comments and advice it’s really useful

My friend left her H when she was 60. He said she wouldn't manage, so she did. She lived another 35 years. She had a fab social life & won awards for her volunteering. She was an inspiration.

You can also chat to Cab about all the practical issues.

Might be worth posting this on Gransnet as well.. There are quite a few women on there who left their husbands at around the same age as you.Some of them had very little financially but they all said they were much happier from having left.

yes it will make you sad and depressed to leave but thats short term and it will get better. if you stay you will be sad and depressed for ever. moving on from a long term relationship is a bereavement. you are mourning the loss of what you had at the beginning, what it could have been like etc. there is nothing wrong with mourning. there is something very wrong with wasting the few precious years you have of health and happiness by staying where you are.

OP,

Stop wasting time.
Get back to the solicitor whom I assume is a good one with as much information as possible.

Consider a forensic accountant if you think there is ANY possibility that he will hide money.

Get the house valued quietly.
Any payslips, pensions, deeds, get copies of, names of banks, investment houses.

Start looking at a small studio to move to initially.

Start making all your plans.
Collect together anything of really value.

Start a bit of a clean out so you have a clear idea of what you want to being with you.

Planning will make the move smoother.
The element of surprise is to your advantage.

Keep posting.