The signs seem so obvious?

[Katnesss]

Hi.
I’m 31, been married for 9 years to DH.
We have two kids, youngest severely disabled.

Over the course of months, it’s become so apparent to me my husband gives not one iota about me. He doesn’t help around the house, that’s my job, as I’m the SAHM (also carer that is often up all night with youngest). All my hobbies I ‘have to do/enjoy in the daytime’ when his at work.

This year I had a mental breakdown, very depressed, along with being dx with an autoimmune disease the fatigue and pain, along with crippling depression and ideation has been almost too hard to bare.
He doesn’t care. He just says I moan all the time. That ‘something is always wrong with me.’

He gets irritated with me bc youngest has attachment issues with him, it pushes me out strains him and I get the flack.
This evening he smacked me in the eye accidentally, and I said aren’t you going to apologise? Or ask if I’m okay.. he just said why should I? It was an accident.
It’s just so cold, I honestly feel if I collapsed right now he’d do nothing and think I’m being dramatic or faking.

I’m not happy really, his my companion and we’d never separate as it just isn’t an option with youngest and her care needs. I just need an opinion on whether this is me being dramatic as he’d say or im right to be concerned.

He sounds very cold.

How long has it felt like this?

OP - I am sorry. It sounds like a very hard life.
I think both of you are exhausted and stressed. And both feel stuck and see no reprieve. And no hope of anything changing in the future.

So - I am guessing - you are both are focused on survival and day to day tasks. So the relationship suffers. Neither of you are being or feeling loving towards each other.
It isn’t surprising given what you as a family have to deal with.

Is there any support you are getting from anyone? You can’t be the sole carer, and have to do everything else around the house and for your other child. You will break. You sound close breaking already.
And I know you are looking at your H, so he can make it better somehow. But it seems that he isn’t feeling able.
It’s hard to tell without knowing much about your situation - whether he is able but unwilling to do something to make it easier for you; or if he just can’t change anything.

So I want to send you some hugs and hope that maybe there is something that can make your life a little easier.
And that you and your H can find a way to be a better team.

But if he's not supporting your care or your youngest why do you need him?

He hit you in the face and refused to apologise.

It wasn't an accident

How many times have you hit someone in the face accidentally and not felt genuinely shit?

OP did he genuinely hit you in the face by accident?
I have a severely disabled son so I know how difficult it can be. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting any support or any time for yourself which is so important when you’re a full time carer for your child.
Do you have any family members who may be able to help with your DD? I know it’s not always possible.
Is she at school or nursery?

Thank you.
It’s felt like it for quite a while now, easily a year plus. It is hard work, and the support we have is non existent. Our families don’t help us, we both have distant families see, she does attend special school which is great - it means I catch up on sleep when she’s at school.

He can be very tit for tat, I took my eldest to a Christmas market yesterday, I felt she needed a treat seen as she is often overlooked with care needs etc. He was in a mood when we got home because how dare I expect him to watch youngest, how dare I ‘do what I want to do’ it’s just very childish and he does this every time I do go out which that was the second time this year btw, time before he let youngest trash the house and left it for me to sort when I returned.

I’ve sincerely felt like separating and it is something we’ve discusssed but he won’t leave the (adapted) home and seen as he has a job and I don’t well.. what can I do? It’s just a nightmare honestly. As for hitting me, it was a genuine accident while trying to stop youngest from something but it was the reaction - he didn’t give a $h!t. Honestly I feel so low today. I don’t have the headspace for his childishness or cold shoulder

You would get financial help if you separated and I’m not saying it would be easy but he doesn’t sound a nice person at all.
You don’t need this on top of everything else you have on your plate.
Surely he wouldn’t see your child out of the adapted home they need? Could you speak to the local council or citizens advice?

I just need an opinion on whether this is me being dramatic

You know the answer to this. There's part of you inside that's being waaaay more dramatic than what you show to him, isn't there? There's a part of you that's having an absolutely whopper tantrum, screaming, stamping her feet, yelling swearwords right into his face, uncontrollably rageful, isn't there? Can you hear her?

With your updates it does sound like there is a deeper issue between you and your H.
Whether or not it’s down to the stress of having a disabled child doesn’t even matter.

If I were you - I‘d try to understand what my options were. Can you see a solicitor?
It is likely that in the case of divorce, where a child needs special care and adapted living - that you might be able to keep the house, but it does depend a lot on the other circumstances.
I’d explore what the operations were, so you know and can decide.
If there are options that are workable - I’d present your H with them.
Very often, people don’t realise they need to change or don’t bother UNTIL they are backed into a corner. If he is faced with losing his house and family - it might give him a kick.
Or he may decide to take a way out.

My guess is that if you divorce - he’ll bail out of doing much/any childcare for your youngest. I think he is struggling with accepting the situation with her and his way of dealing with it is removing himself from it all.

So - whatever you are planning for the future - it probably should include yourself, not him.