How do I do this?

[MissLola8]

I want to leave my bf. Been together for 8 years. As with most relationships, it started off great.

As it stands, we hardly ever have sex, never kiss, no affection etc. He spends most of the evening on his phone.

We live like mates. But he always tells me he loves me and couldn't bare to be without me. He's very needy.

How do I tell him I don't have feelings for him anymore? I feel so guilty. He's looking at holidays for next year, and I'm sat here thinking of how to end it.

He's my only relationship, I've never been through a break up before.

May sound weird, but when he cries, do I cuddle him? Do I leave that night?

I'm probably overthinking it, but not knowing what to say/do is causing me terrible anxiety, to the point I'm not sleeping, lost my appetite and feel crap.

Any advice?

Do you feel safe enough to give him this information ?

Do you feel he could become aggresive ?

Are you wanting to do this before Christmas?

@Onthedunes Yes, I feel safe. There's a chance he could become aggressive. I'm not really sure what to expect. I've felt like this for a while now.....I don't think I can wait until after Xmas. The guilt is starting to eat away at me and I'm struggling mentally because of it

He seems happy - so I feel guilty for feeling like this?

Wait until you have a plan in place to leave unless it's your place or if you need to sell? I would ask a family member or friend you might need to stay incase the break up doesn't go well. It's not easy but when you've got to point of not sleeping and eating well you have to get this over and done with asap.

@dumplings1 we rent and I'm the main tennant so he would have to go.

I've confided to a family member earlier - they can't understand why I don't just tell him I'm unhappy, especially as it's currently making me ill. They don't want to see me in this state.

Im a people pleaser and just can't help but put his feelings above my own

Does he really have no clue you are un happy.
Have you not discussed any of your feelings, because he will be upset that he was given no chance to repair any problems.
To discuss the partnership.

Maybe have a conversation first about your reservations about staying together first. Ease him into it, it seems brutal to tell him and leave the same evening.

Saying that if you think he may get aggresive, you need support and maybe someone to help you move out safely.

There is no easy way, do you have any children ?
Where are you thinking of going ? Is there another man? this is the first question he will ask you.

Ok scratch that.
Where can he go before Christmas.

@onthedunes we had a discussion back in June, where I've said I was unhappy about certain things. He was crying and said he would change. But nothing has. Infact, it's probably gotten worse.

He's quite emotional, but I've seen aggression in him at times. I could quite easily picture him launching something across the room.

It's my flat. No kids. No other man.

Just general unhappiness and my needs aren't being met anymore.

He would go back to his parents

You have to be cruel to be kind.

Just sit him down and tell him that you cannot continue the relationship as you’re not happy. There is no nice way to do it.

Good luck 💐

How long have you been livin

You need to tell him in the morning when you know that his parents are at home. Tell him that you spoke to him months ago and things have got even worse. Say that you don't want to spend Christmas together as there is no point whatsoever. Tell him he needs to pack up and go to his parents' house. Honestly you will feel like you are on holiday once you are rid of him.

It would be very different if you were making him homeless but you are not.

Why do I feel so guilty? Why am I putting hurting him above of hurting myself?

Why am I so concerned about his feelings, more than my own?

This keeps going around in my head

Maybe that is something you can work on afterwards.

In the meantime tell him to go to his parents' home.

Do you really think he would feel guilty in the same situation? If he told you six months ago that it wasn't working and you had become even worse?

@HollowTalk yes I agree. He wouldn't feel any guilt I'm sure.

I'm just a very sensitive person and even if I dislike someone, I hate to hurt them.

Maybe I just need to toughen up

I think it’s very normal to feel guilty when you finish a relationship. I had to do it once to a finance for very similar reasons you have said. I felt so very awful, but I knew it wasn’t fair on either of us to be in a relationship where I didn’t love him anymore.

If you’re worried he’ll become aggressive could you get the family member you have told to be waiting outside when you tell him?

@lizziesiddal yes, I have thought about that. I'm not too sure how he will react, so that is scareing me.

What were the words you used? That's what I'm really struggling with. I was going to say something along the lines of...."I feel very unhappy and I've felt my feelings slowly change towards you. I've tried to fight these feelings, but my body is struggling to cope as I feel I am not being true to myself or you?"

It might be easier if you end it in a non-blaming way. If you make it about what he is or isn’t doing, then it suggests that the power to change it may also be in his hands. But it isn’t. You no longer love him. That’s completely fine but it’s the key point. He could be the nicest, most attentive boyfriend in the world but if you’re no longer feeling it, you’re no longer feeling it.

And if you’re worried about your safety, make sure someone else is around when you tell him.

Its really difficult when you know you are the pleaser in the relationship. Him crying as well is really emotionally manipulative. His neediness of you isn't love and he has no regard for your wants or needs whatsoever.

You are not responsible for this mans happiness! Your body is literally screaming out to you that this is wrong, its eating you up inside.

Is there anyone you could have with you when you tell him to leave? From what you've said he could become tearful and then aggressive when the manipulative tears cease to work.

Please don't be apologetic to him, you don't owe him anything. "This relationship isn't working for me any more, you have to leave". Keep repeating this and don't get into anything emotional. Also if nobody can be there with you, you can text/phone him when he's out of the house to tell him then have his stuff packed ready for him to collect. Your personal safety is paramount, don't feel guilty about this.

Remember your needs matter! Being with him is making you ill! I promise once he's gone you will feel such relief.

For support after there are some great videos on YouTube to help address your people pleasing issues. Look up Dr Ramani and Lisa Romano, absolutely brilliant advice.

Im a people pleaser and just can't help but put his feelings above my own

That’s an excuse you keep telling yourself. You can help yourself and you can put your feelings first. You can work on yourself once you’re out of the relationship but stop telling yourself you’re a “people pleaser”, it’s entirely your choice to put yourself last - you have control over what you tell yourself and what you do. If you decide to stay, acknowledge that you’re making that choice and think about why that is.

If you decide to end things just tell him you don’t love him, the relationship is over and you want him to leave. You don’t need to comfort him or apologise - he’s an adult and can take care of himself. That may sound harsh, but it’s true, you could still be there in 20 years otherwise.