What is wrong with me

[Journeytoinnerpeace]

I left my husband 14 months ago, who was very narcissistic so as you can imagine I lost myself a long time ago and now I’m trying to build myself back up, and find happiness.

I recently thought it was time to get myself back out there so joined a dating site. I met a lovely man, we went on a handful of dates and we slept together on once occasion. All of this was lovely and he was really nice, we always got along and had a laugh and I was always very comfortable with him.
But I messaged him last week to say I’m ending it now before it gets any more serious because I’m not sure this is what I want.
He is an amazing dad to his kids, he has a very good job and has his shit together basically.
I just don’t know what’s up with me. I think he’s good looking but he’s not my usual type and I don’t think I’m as attracted to him as I would have liked to have felt about someone. Don’t get me wrong I’m no oil painting but I mean I think that’s what’s missing between us. Also on one of the “dates” he met me while I was out in town with my friends and he kept constantly pulling me towards him and kissing me ..constantly and i wasn’t keen on the constant kissing.
But anyway he wanted to keep in touch and messages me occasionally, thoughtful things really. Like he wanted to make sure I got home ok in the snow, and make sure I get home ok from my night out, watch my drinks etc.
I guess what I’m saying is I’m confused, he’s everything I would want in a man but I guess the “spark” isn’t there attraction wise. But is this enough to give up on such a lovely man?
What the hell do I want!?
I just feel so awful and so confused
TIA x

I don’t think anything is wrong with you - unfortunately you and this guy just aren’t the right fit for each other. It’s hard and disappointing when “on paper” it all seems good and what you’ve been looking for, but if that connection and chemistry isn’t there then there’s not a lot than can be done about it.

I would try to look at it as a positive experience. It shows that there are decent single men out there, who will be attracted to you - it’s just a bit of a numbers game until you find one that you click with. There’s a very good supportive online dating thread on here with other people going through the same thing that could be worth a look.

Good luck (and well done for getting shot of the narcissistic ex, it’s not easy I know - and can take a long time to recover from. Be kind to yourself )

You’re just not that into him!

Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s very natural! Keep dating and see you meet next🙂

Sounds ideal he was aittle bit over the top maybe.

But if you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it.
There's nothing wrong with you. You're allowed to want everything you want because its your life!

Just be sure you are constantly refreshing your knowledge on red flags of abusers going forwards as you date. They don't all display the same way so you have ro stay on the ball. It's pisdible that this behaviour from him on your night out with friends gave you the ick because it was possessiveness. Though he may just have been drunk tbf. But it sounds like it tweaked your instincts.

You've done good so far, you've had something that was OK while it lasted abd learned to walk away when it isn't for you anymore. Thats very healthy and bodes well for you in future.

I'd advise against staying friends with him though. That could get messy.

*sounds like he was
(Not 'ideal')

It's ok to date and not to want more. You've done the right thing. If you have to be 'friends', keep it at arm's length.

I guess the only thing maybe worth reflecting on is what you mean by “usual type” and what it is that would have attracted you.

If it’s simply he’s a lovely guy but there’s no chemistry - for example, you feel really at ease in his company and spark off each other - then that’s absolutely fine as PPs have said. I’ve been there myself - looks and “on paper” attributes are all well and good, but fundamentally I need someone I know I’m going to feel “gets” me (which is why I find OLD tricky!)

If, however, you notice what attracts you are “types” who are emotionally avoidant, narcissistic or in some way create a power imbalance, it might worth looking into whether what attracts you is getting mixed up with maybe some unresolved emotional baggage.

Lastly, given it’s only been 14 months since you separated, could it simply be a rebound relationship - and now things are settling maybe your psyche is saying “hang on, not sure I want all this commitment to another person again this soon!” No judgement on this - it’s very common and I’m typing as someone who experienced similar after my divorce.

So, you don't really find him physically attractive, and he's too full on for your preference with the physical, public affection, and you think there's something wrong with you for not wanting to be in a relationship with him.

You need to look at what's happening inside you, here. You don't want a relationship with him, so you've ended it. There's nothing wrong there. The problem (and the reason you've sustained a relationship with a narcissist) is that when you want or don't want something, you judge that. And the reason you do that is because something in you thinks there's a right and a wrong about what you should be feeling. You don't put your feelings first. You put the judgment about your feeling first; to the extent that you think there's something wrong with you for not feeling how you should feel.

So, here's a question. What authority is there, above your feelings, to decide whether they are right or wrong. What is it that's supposed to tell you how to feel, how to behave, which feelings to respect, which to disregard. Where is that authority coming from, that would stop you from leaving a narcissist, because he was a good bloke 80% of the time? What set of rules is telling you that you must have something wrong with you, if you don't want to continue a relationship with this man with whom you feel something is 'missing', and who smothers you in public?

The foundations ...wow there is something to think about there. You are so right.

Thankyou everyone for your responses.
I guess I just felt bad, maybe a little shallow, that he had all of these things I would love in a man and I was leaving it behind because maybe I wasn’t as physically attracted to him as I would have liked and the “feeling” was missing.
Maybe I wonder if it’s realistic to find someone who has all of the things he does have a spark too. Or is this too much to ask,,,am I being unrealistic.
I don’t know the world of dating is a scary place haha.

Thanks everyone x

If you find it you find it if you don't you don't. But theres no reason to date someone you dont fancy. Let alone one who doesn't feel quite right.

Some people struggle with being single but ironically, that's something that needs to be worked on whilst single. Otherwise it leads to potentially ending up in wrong or even toxic relationships.

OP, that concept changed my life. Our feelings are the rules.

It's weird that we do this thing with relationships. If you look at the same process, with, say, food... you wouldn't judge yourself for not liking raspberries, for example. You wouldn't sit there worrying, thinking, 'well, I like sweet things, and I like dark red, and I like fruit, usually... everyone else seems to really like them... what the hell is wrong with me, that I can't make myself enjoy raspberries?'

When you're not into something, you're just not, and you can't force yourself to be, even if millions of people tell you that you ought to be. If you try to make yourself be into something that you're not really into, you're disrespecting messages from the very heart of you. Your deepest, truest self. And when that pattern is your norm, you let all sorts of things over ride your feelings. I bet that when you were in the relationship with the narcissist, you felt loads of unpleasant feelings, but over -rode them with ideas like 'Oh it's just because he's stressed' and 'He's not like this most of the time' and 'I'm just being over sensitive/dramatic'

Your feelings are the boss. You won't always be able to explain them (just like you might not be able to explain exactly why you don't like raspberries) and you shouldn't ever have to. You have to respect them, and do it in a way that's respectful to other people. If you'd done that, you would have walked away from your narcissist very soon after he started treating you badly, with a peaceful, calm 'This isn't working for me any more, so I'm afraid I need to break up with you. Goodbye.'

Right now you've done exactly the right thing. Your instincts are there, and you've been able to follow them through, and that's great. Drop the self criticism: your feelings are allowed. You have respected them, and that's a source of pride, not a stick to beat yourself with. There are millions of men out there. Keep ditching them until you find one that has you beaming all over your face. Maybe your standards are sky high: good! Maybe you are very sensitive: great! You don't need a guy who looks right on paper, which seems to be what you think you should be looking for. You want a guy who makes you feel amazing, loved, respected, someone you can open up to and say 'I'm not keen on all this public kissing, you know...', and who you know will take it on board.

I left my narcissist H 6 weeks ago although I'm no where near ready to think about dating yet.

I think I can understand how you feel...he is something that your ex wasn't so you feel kind of annoyed with yourself as on paper, this guy is who you wanted to meet?

When I'm ready to go back into the dating world, when I've healed from emotional and controlling abuse, I know the kind of man I would be looking for, like you mentioned, someone who has their shit together! Which is something I haven't seen in a man in a long time.

Don't beat yourself up, he isn't right for you but there are positives to take from this. Don't be too hard on yourself x

The foundations...I just want to say thankyou so much.
You have made so much sense and I think you’ve finally made it click in my brain!
You are so right, I get it now ❤️

Kelseypops- I hope you are ok, it takes along time to heal from the shit they put you through, I think I still have some healing to do 14 months down the line.
But we will be fine and we will find out happily ever after one day ❤️