Unsure if this belongs here or in Feeling Depressed, but I could do with some opinions.

[10101]

All opinions, all perspectives - this is not an 'agree with me or else' post!

I have a lot of health problems, which means that dh has to do, well, everything really. He says he doesn't mind, and that when you love someone, you love them in sickness and in health, he says all the right things.

One of the things that really upsets me is that I cannot do the school run. I can go with him and wait in the car, but I cannot go into the school. Neither can I attend the plays etc. I am just this figure that sits in the car or isn't there at all.

I feel so bad about this. I feel like I am letting my kids down. I feel like I am judged and the school and other parents think all sorts of horrible things about me. I really find it hard to cope with.

So today, dh comes back to the car, and tells me how the teacher had reminded him about and event happening. Now I had remembered this morning, so dh knew about it. But he said to her that "Oh you'll be surprised, I (him) remembered!"

This upset me. I know it seems such a stupid thing, but I really want to be remembered in school and recognised as someone who DOES participate and IS interested. I want credit for being in my kids life and I want people to SEE, I want my kids to see. I want to be mentioned.

I know it sounds daft, I am finding it hard to articulate the feeling.

But when I tried to explain to dh, he laughed at me. When I tried again to explain WHY something so daft mattered to me, he dismissed me. When I got upset, he got angry. Called me petty and shallow. When I started to cry, he told me to grow up.

So I have been upset all day. I suppose I am disproportionatly upset but it hurts so much I feel like my stomach is on fire. I couldn't speak because I would cry if I did and he got angry because I wasn't talking.

So then he wanted to discuss it and he said that I wasn't making a request (to be mentioned, credited with being involved in my kids lives, there) I was demanding. He talked like I am always ordering him about and demanding things (help, support) from him.

So obviously he resents me and resents the life he is forced to lead because of me. And I can't stop crying and I know it must seem like a complete overreaction but I feel destroyed and I just want to go away, but I can't because I can't walk and I have no transport and I can't physically manage myself but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up because I am just a burden and he wants a life without me and he deserves one but i can't kill myself becuase I'm too scared and because he'd really hate me but I wish there was something that could happen to make me die that wouldnnt seem like my fault

please help me please tell me something to make me understand and to stop this because i cant carry on like this but i went to the doctor saying how bad i felt, before this, and he said that people who are really really bad come into his office and its like they are under a bloack cloud but he doesnt see that with me, and so i just left nobody understands how i feel or cares and i just want to go to sleep and never wake up but i have children to live for but i dont want to because all i am is a burden and stop them from being free.

i need someone to tell me what to do please

Hi there. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know it must be frustrating. Can you do other stuff with your kids? What kind of health problems do you have (if you don't mind me asking?)

Oh God my heart goes out to you. I don't have any wise words really but I wanted to acknowledge your post.

I am sure you must do things for your children that you are overlooking here, and for your husband, even if it is just being their listening post. Please see if you can wrte down some of the positive contributions you make to your family's life. It might make you feel less nagative about yourself.

On a practical level, and without meaning to pry into your condition, if you can get into the car to go to school, why can't you get out the other end and go and be a presence (even if only occasional) in the school?

I don't want to detail the health problems because I've talked about them as my usual name and I dont want to identify myself, but the upshot is i cant walk and need a lot of support and i have breathing problems and other things. I am also scared a lot of the time.

D - its the difference in distance. The car is just outside the house, the school building is down a long path and theres a big yard to cross and i can't make it.

Hi, I am sorry to hear that. Do you use a wheelchair? Are you scared because you do not like to be out in public?

I am waiting for a wheelchair. Yes. I am afraid of being out. I only feel safe at home, in the car, or very very few other places. I always feel like people are laughing at me.

Have you spoken to anyone about this, ie your doctor? I am sure that nobody is laughing at you? Why should they? Perhaps when your wheelchair arrives you can try and even just sit outside in it for a short while. People will understand that you are having difficulty - there is nothing to feel guilty or bad about.

I swallowed my pride, plucked up my courage and went to my gp and asked him to help me.

He said there was nothing wrong with me because i didn't come in the room as though there was a black cloud hanging over me.

I left.

I will be ok if i can stop crying. normally i can hide how i feel but today i cant stop crying and i know i am in the wrong but i cant make myself speak to my husband, who is really annoyed with me.

Im sorry for bleating on about it. Am shutting up now. Im going to get a coffee, change back to my normal name and go back to posting shit and pretending im happy. sorry, THAT is also bleating on. i just hope i dont wake up tomorrow and then i dont have to act for everyone else any more.

Awww 10101, you sound just like someone else I know who doesn't want to wake up in the mornings. This is a weak thing to say, but truly, my heart goes out to you.

Please consider what I wrote earlier. I do not believe you offer nothing to your husband (who normally sounds a very loving man) or your children. You do sound depressed (stupid GP) and your seeming lack of self-worth is a symptom of that. Any chance of seeing another GP?

You should go to another GP - they can be so dismissive sometimes, or you could try and find a support group closeby. This is something that you can get help for and nothing to be ashamed of! I hope you start to feel better soon.

For what it's worth I can totally understand the point you were trying to make to your dh. It may seem like such a small thing to him but it would have meant a lot if he'd just said "oh don't worry my dw is on the ball and reminded me". It must be hard when you feel their is little you can do you need to be acknowledged for what you DO do.

You need to see a different Dr, yours sounds useless. FWIW when I had horrendous PND everytime I saw the Dr i had a ridiculous upbeat attitude as soon as I walked into the surgery. BUT they still took me seriously.

Please try a new dr. And fgs this is the last place you need to pretend to be happy.

Thank you folks. kids about to arrive home now. I will come and read this through and look at all your advice when i am alone again. thank you again i am very grateful i was feeling quite hysterical now i am calm (numb) again. thank you. xx