Limerence

[absolutecasseroledownthere]

I've been struggling with an attraction to my colleague for months now and it's driving me mad. I honestly do feel like I've gone a bit mad..

Anyway, around May / June there was a brilliant thread about it on here. Someone posted a link to an article about how men deal with limerence in a totally different way and it really helped me at the time.

Does anyone remember this? Or could post the link again? I'd be so grateful. I've searched for the thread but reckon it must've been deleted.

Struggling a bit today and anything that helps would be great...

Don't know the thread you're after but this is interesting.

livingwithlimerence.com/why-limerence-is-not-just-a-crush/

Thanks for that link. Some very insightful articles on that website that absolutely hit the nail on the head

I’ve read of studies somewhere that suggest limerance - and many obsessions in general - stem from situations where something’s perceived to be in reach but not quite attainable. Slot machines and digital marketing actually deliberately incorporate this principle.

Slot machines for example are engineered to pay out sometimes, but only to suggest it’s feasible you could hit the jackpot yourself. The effect on the brain is to keep going and keep going because you it knows it’s obtainable but not getting the result it wants only causes it to want it even more. It’s a delicate balance though - too much evidence it can’t happen and you give up. Make it happen, though, and your brain is sated. The limerance slowly wears off.

So no surprise limerance is usually found in people who believe they’ve found someone who they believe is perfect for them, who is friendly but won’t agree to go on a date - so close yet so far! Unrequited love. And also in “taboo” situations - someone who might make it known they find you attractive but you’re in a committed relationship. In both cases it’s the hurdles to you getting together that actually drive the madness on.

That’s also why you see greater limerance in toxic relationships and infidelity - if you’re both single and emotionally healthy things tend to swiftly move on to a relationship in a normal fashion. There’s no maddening will we/won’t we to bring things to a greater emotional pitch.

@TossaCointoYerWitcha

Good post, but what does it say about me and my one time experience of online bingo, that I found so boring I closed the account down before I spent all of the money ?

Haha you’ve obviously got a will of iron @Onthedunes 😁

I remember the thread you mean OP but it got deleted because it was started by a troll (I think). Unfortunately I don't think I saw the article though. Do you remember anything about the general gist of it?

@TossaCointoYerWitcha this absolutely sums it up:

And also in “taboo” situations - someone who might make it known they find you attractive but you’re in a committed relationship. In both cases it’s the hurdles to you getting together that actually drive the madness on.

It's like that was written about my situation! It's ridiculous. I was perfectly happy then LO (limerent object!!) made it clear he was interested. Neither of us are available so a total none starter but now I can't switch it off. And god, I wish I could. And now he blows hot and cold with me and I just wish I didn't care. But I do. And think about it (and him) all the bloody time.

The article was about how men deal with crushes or fancying people differently from women. One thing I recall is that they just fancy someone, then can compartmentalise and 'put it away' mentally and get on with life.

I think you were a little disenguenuous op about your opening question.

You want to know the difference between male and female limerance because you want to know if his blowing hot and cold is a sign that he actually really likes you but shows it differently because men are hardwired to deal with limerance differently.

You have mentionitis, you must have been dithering how to present this question without appearing as someone obsessed liking someone who wasn't quite as obsessed.

Close it down with him, it won't go anywhere.

Get back to reality op, it's safer.

@Onthedunes yep, you're absolutely right!!! Reality is a much better and safer place to be. I definitely want to go back to that safe place where I didn't think about this man in this way at all. Or drive myself crazy about why he's behaving the way he does.

I need to understand what the hell I'm doing. And how I can shut it down. Because it's horrible. That article struck a chord with me months ago & I'd love to read it again

You are on a dopamine rush.

Just end the contact with him that leads to private conversations.
Keep it professional.

You really don't know him, there are so many women who are decieved by male flatterers, they are not all as genuine as you think.

This man could destroy your reputation and your marriage.
It's not worth it.

What if you were to be told he's done it a million times before and he's using you, would you still be pining for him ?

All I can say about limerance is that it felt really vile and I never want to experience it again! I was obsessed and made a fool out of myself by allowing him to treat me badly and ignore my boundaries, when I look back I feel ashamed of myself.

I will say if he's blowing hot and cold then it wont help your limerance at all, it feeds it. I will also say he doesn't feel the same way you do as if he did he wouldn't act that way. My limerance has mostly gone now but it took months and even now I still get a horrible, butterflies feeling when I think about him

No advice about getting past this but thank you for posting this as I am in a similar situation with someone from my past. I have been feeling like I'm losing my mind. Hadn't heard about limerence before but reading up on this it explains so much.