I am attracted to a female friend but have no experience with women

[lalalalalafeelingroovy]

I've recently gotten closer to a woman I've known as part of a friendship group for the last few years. The closer we get, the more I feel like I like her as a lot more than friends. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual but my attraction to women freaked me out when I was a teenager and I met my ex-husband when I was pretty young, so I have absolutely no experience with women. And in fact I identified as straight for most of my life. It wasn't until after I was divorced and reassessing what I wanted in life that I realised I find women attractive. I never acted on it though, as I find the thought of online dating kind off-putting and the thought of seeking out sex with a woman, just so I could have sex with a woman, kind of disrespectful.

I decided it would be best all around to just take the time to just deal with my feelings and wait and see what might happen naturally. And now that I've potentially met someone, I'm completely second guessing that decision. I feel utterly embarrassed about my total lack of experience, especially as she's younger (not creepy younger). So on top of the usual mix of excitement and second guessing when you fancy someone, I have this stress. I haven't any clue that she has any interest in me outside of friendship. She is bisexual and has had LTRs with women but that obviously doesn't mean she thinks of me as anything else. At times our chat feels flirty but honestly, our whole group of mutual friends can be like that at times. She has been quite complimentary on how I look, but women just often are with each other. She said once before that I don't usually seem straight and I just panicked and laughed because I kind of wanted to say that I don't think I am but then felt that would sound so stupid.

When I first really, realised I was attracted to women, I was sad I hadn't figured it out sooner but mainly just happy I'd worked it out at a point where I was single and not too old for it to maybe come to something. But now I'm just kicking myself for being so stupid as a teenager and convincing myself that I was straight because I didn't want to be gay.

Do you ever meet up with her with just you two, or is it always in a group? Could you maybe just suggest that you meet for a drink one evening? Perhaps if you’re alone you might be able to talk more easily and see what her feelings might be? Even if you were able to admit to being bi it would be a big step forward for you!

How exciting! Enjoy the butterflies and flirting 😉

If you get to chat to her 1:1 why not ask her to tell you about when /how she started to realise she was attracted to women and use that as a starter to say that you think you have similar feelings. Or just tell her you're curious and ask her advice on how to explore dating without being disrespectful.

I would guess that perhaps she's already sounding you out with her comment about you not being completely straight.

If you're not ready to do either of those just yet but would like to chat /have some support you may want to look for the Like-minded Woman thread on here.

Enjoy! If you are attracted to women and lucky enough to find someone you click with be prepared to have a wonderful time!

Come out to her. You don't have to tell her you're attracted to her. Just get yourself on the same 'playing field' as her. If she's already made comments about your sexuality, she'll be comfortable talking to you about it, and if you're too nervous to ask her out, it gives her the opportunity to approach you instead. As a gay woman, it's difficult if you're attracted to a seemingly straight friend because the offence caused by asking her out is potentially more than it would be if you were a straight man. Open the road for her.

Things may change then in a way that makes it all a lot clearer for both of you.

As for a lack of experience, it doesn't matter if your next partner is a man or a woman. It will be a different relationship than any other you've had, so you will have had no previous experience with it. All new partners have to discover and explore each other at their own pace. It's not about knowing 'how to do it', it's about learning what feels good for you both.

And enjoy yourself!

Just reading the replies now as I hadn't realised I'd gotten any. I've known her for nearly two years but mainly as a friend of friends. Then obviously through lockdowns we didn't see each other as much as we otherwise might have. Though through group chats we realised we both had an interest in starting the same hobby and once classes resumed in the autumn we decided to sign up. So that's how we've come to start spending some one on one time together and started to get to know each other more.

That said, we won't be spending too much time together over the next few weeks as our class has finished up for the year and we're all being careful with Covid as we're all prioritising Christmas plans with our families. So our group has decided to cancel/minimise the plans we had over the next week or so. Hopefully we won't be too restricted over January and we'll get to talk properly more then.

As for a lack of experience, it doesn't matter if your next partner is a man or a woman. It will be a different relationship than any other you've had, so you will have had no previous experience with it. All new partners have to discover and explore each other at their own pace. It's not about knowing 'how to do it', it's about learning what feels good for you both.

A lot of what I've read online is that a lot of women tend to avoid women like me because nobody really wants to feel like 'an experiment.' Which I fully understand. It must be bad enough when younger and everyone is in their experimental sex phase. As an older adult, I can see why people actively avoid taking a risk on getting hurt like that. I know I've certainly learned to be protective of my emotional health and respect that other people have learned ways to protect theirs.

If she is a decent person, and you like and care for each other, she will understand you have been married a long time but have had feelings for women before so certainly not ‘experimenting’ with women just to see if you like them. It’s clearly not about women - it’s about her. If she doesn’t see that (and she likes you) and that’s the only thing holding her back then I don’t suppose she’s the one for you x

@lalalalalafeelingroovy.

Here's hoping that you can meet in the new year and that it gets to be good, whatever happens. Keep us posted!

I would imagine it isn't uncommon for people to realise later in life that they are attracted to the same sex. And (again I'm guessing here) it should be easier to know what she would appreciate and like if you're a woman yourself..

Just message her and ask her out for a drink! go from there! You will know at end of the night whether to keep it friends or whether you felt like you wanted to turn the relationship from platonic to romantic

Hmmm. So you know when you have a crush on someone but you won't be seeing them for ages and one night you watch Carol (as it's Christmas, obvs) and end up reading through the last few months of whatsapp conversations? Trying to work out if the flirtyness is real, imagined or jokey and just how unevenly it is that you initiate the conversations? Technically it's actually a first for me, as that kind of messaging technology didn't exist last time I was interested in someone but I get the concept.

So anyway, I did that a few nights ago and I can't shake the feeling that I've not only given her the impression that I am not interested in women. But also I think I may have told her she's too young for me. I can not believe that I am soooo utterly inept at this. It feels like I was a different person but I used to be really good at flirting in the past.

I feel like this is something I just need to chill out about. I'm also reminding myself that it's literally 20 years since I've had a crush on someone. So apart from the fact that this is the first time I've actively acknowledged a crush on a woman, it's actually the first crush I've had in nearly half my whole life. For a long time I thought that part of my life was finished and I have some hang ups about my older body that I never had 20 years ago. I'd probably be a bit all over the place if it was a crush on a guy too. It's also the first time that I've ever developed a crush on someone I've known first and who is part of a group of friends. So I've never, ever had to navigate the thought of changing a group dynamic by expressing my interest.

And Covid is also making it difficult. Odds are our hobby classes won't be back as planned in January. We had talked about maybe taking a trip together at the start of next year, which could potentially be a great opportunity to see if there is any thing there. That's likely to be put off now. So, it's just all a bit messy and I'm going to give myself a break and hopefully learn to calm down a bit and get less shit at actually expressing myself.

I think that you said you gave her the impression that she was too young for you, which would have implied to her that in theory you were interested in women or at least her and now you regret it. Also that you didn't like women anyway. I can see him that would be annoying.
It's a shame that you won't have the chance to meet soon.

I do know what you mean about having a crush on a woman and never doing anything about it.

Have you had any contact @lalalalalafeelingroovy

I'm updating this, largely because I have googled similar threads to this all over the internet but rarely found out how any of these crushes went. Which was a bit frustrating. Although this is mostly a non-update kind of update.

Obviously things with Covid haven't turned out as grim as it looked like they would just after Christmas. So we have seen lots of each other, usually about 3 times a week, sometimes in a group but quite often just the two of us. At this point, my instinct is just to let things roll and see how things go over time. I am enjoying developing our friendship and seeing what happens from there.

@lalalalalafeelingroovy how did this turn out for you? (Tidying up my 'threads I'm on' list!😆)