Getting over a breach of trust

[TheStirrer]

Following on from the fairly recent thread about a man messaging a work colleague I have found myself thinking about my current situation a lot recently.
I have had a difficult couple of years with my dad passing of cancer in November last year, my daughter leaving home, a health scare and the menopause. On top of this I discovered my husband had spent a significant amount of time over last Christmas & well into the new year messaging a female work colleague. I found out as I felt things were just not quite right and noticed one night that he had numerous overnight notifications. There wasn’t anything untoward from him but he kept these conversations secret and she did come on to him which he rebuffed. She was apparently having a difficult time in her marriage & work and he wanted to support her. I have seen the messages and believe his version but felt stung by the odd occasions of intimacy (eg night x).
We have had a lot of discussions and arguments about this and he has cut all contact. He says he understands how hurt I am as I explained that I had felt unloved and unsupported by him for a long time and this had broken my trust. I feel he revelled in the attention and the excitement at a time when he should have been supporting me and I was at a low ebb. He says for him it was nothing - he loves me and wants to be with me and is really trying his hardest to be loving and supportive and I can see that but I just don’t feel the same about him anymore. I am so sad but don’t know how to get over this. It is such a small thing when I read about all the other awful things partners do on MN but I don’t know why this is impacting me so much. Is it just a case that time is a great healer?

It wasn’t nothing, that’s why he hid it from you. My counsellor always says “never under estimate the power of the male ego” and I think that’s what this was, an ego boost. Have you asked him how he would feel if you were secretly messaging a bloke who was coming on to you? Particularly if he was having a shitty time himself??
The fact that he rebuffed her is a positive, but it’s still a shitty thing for him to have done. Opposite sex friendships for me are fine, but hiding things isn’t. How is your relationship generally? For me, my relationship with DH is generally very good, so I’d be seriously pissed off about this and expect him to do some work with a therapist on WHY he thinks this acceptable but it probably wouldn’t end my marriage IF he put in the work to sort things out. I definitely wouldn’t rug sweep it……

Relationship reasonably good albeit that we have very much taken each other for granted as like most couples life has been busy with teenagers and work but even so I don’t think this should excuse his behaviour.
He acknowledges that he wouldn’t have been happy if I had done the same and he is trying to be a better partner. I must admit it does feel like he just expects me to get over it. He has apologised numerous times and asked how he can make it better but doesn’t see the point of going over and over it again as the facts won’t change and he can’t magic it away.
The trouble is it is impacting me not him and I just can’t seem to put it behind me. It has said he will go to counselling with me but I am not sure he really wants to…
Perhaps I need to go to counselling on my own? If so do I just go for relationship counselling?

You feelings are valid op, don’t let him tell you any different. He CHOSE to engage in this secret ego boost and he CHOSE to hide it because he knew it would hurt you. He DOES NOT now get to CHOOSE how you respond to it. He made his choices and they weren’t great (at best) That isn’t just your problem, it’s problem for both of you. Go to counselling alone by all means (because it does sound like you’ve been through the mill, even except for this) but I do think the both of you should go together. The right counsellor would hold his feet to the flames over this, (I know mine would) ensure he takes responsibility and help you work through it together. Good luck xxx