I don’t think I can do this anymore…

[losingtheplotslowly]

I know the answer but why is it so hard….

So a few years ago I got closer to a friend of mine. Someone I have know for years but never thought of him as more as he was married. Anyway his marriage started breaking down and he confided in me loads and during that time we got closer and my feelings towards him changed very dramatically. Nothing ever happened and he never knew how I felt however after his marriage ended I told him how I felt. Nothing happened for at least 6 months and we carried on just the way we were very comfortably.

Friends.

Then it happened. We slept together. I was so blissfully happy albeit for 24 hours. Afterwards he did tell me that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship and that while he didn’t regret what had happened just wanted to remain friends. It was hard for me. Tough. Really really though as for me it ended in exactly the same way it always does. I’ve never been in a relationship and my delusional self really thought this would be it. I’d had therapy for a couple of years and lost lots of weight so was really in a good place until this happened.

This was early last year and since then I have unraveled and seem to be heading back to square one. He actually met someone last year and I found out through mutual friends. Worst time of my life as I felt humiliated and he had been lying to me all that time. I did got NC with him for months after I confronted him about it. Stupidly after months I got back in contact. That was my first mistake. But slowly we kind of got back to out good friends phase.

Thing is over the last year I have accepted that he is in another relationship (I haven’t met her yet) and seemed to have for better but days like this I feel horrendous. My feelings for him have lessened in that way as in I don’t think about him all the time. But it’s like a punch in the stomach. It just small stuff. They don’t live together but he tried and minimise his relationship and what they do and how much time they spend together (which according to him is not a lot) but I find out through various means that this isn’t always the case. He never brings her up much when we chat or meet and it’s always me who asks.

I don’t even know what I am asking here but I’ve had a punch in my gut this morning because of withheld information which my gut knew was happening and the thing is it’s not even a big deal. I guess I’m just so fucking emotionally exhausted of everything and so tired. I’m so lonely. I can’t even talk about this to anyone in my life as they think I have moved on and I get that look as if to say oh god as she still on this.

Sorry my thread is so long and there is so much more but I just needed to get this of my chest.

I don’t even know what I am asking :(

I'm bumping this thread for you.
Just want to say you can't be just friends with a man you are deeply in love with. He must know how you feel, in which case he is being very cruel. I don't see how this is going anywhere except to make you miserable. No good can come of it.
Personally I would completely end it - no contact at all, no cards, no looking at his social media, no asking people about him, no messages, nothing at all - ever. Cut him out of your life. Then you can get your life back.

He is minimising his relationship because he knows how you feel and he is kind enough to not want to rub your nose in it.

But you are torturing yourself regardless. This isn’t really a friendship, it is you hanging on in case he ever changes his mind. You will be doing yourself a huge favour by cutting him out of your life now.

@Ariann

I'm bumping this thread for you. Just want to say you can't be just friends with a man you are deeply in love with. He must know how you feel, in which case he is being very cruel. I don't see how this is going anywhere except to make you miserable. No good can come of it. Personally I would completely end it - no contact at all, no cards, no looking at his social media, no asking people about him, no messages, nothing at all - ever. Cut him out of your life. Then you can get your life back.

Absolutely this. Some things cannot be taken back and unfortunately what happened between you means that the friendship is over and you need to go no contact because the dynamic (him minimising his relationship knowing you hold a candle for him) is absolutely toxic. You must focus on cutting contact and moving on.

Oh my dearest

It hurts like hell doesn't it

It sounds like externally you're handling this really well.

But there's loads to mull over.

I'm not overly impressed with his behaviour...I suspect he didn't give your feelings much thought before sleeping with you, and when you'd been such a good friend that's sad.

What are you up to in the run up to Christmas?

Hi OP, no wonder you're exhausted. He's not playing fair but telling you half truths even if he may be doing it to spare your feelings? Even if you both hadn't crossed the line, your feelings would always have affected things. If you were in a relationship with someone else, things would different. Even if you'd had a relationship with him, doesn't mean it would've worked out. I'd seriously consider cutting ties with him. If its making you miserable, then what's the point? I know you said you didn't want to speak anyone in rl at the moment but please try. I'd rather a friend spoke to me rather than suffered in silence. Or maybe a helpline. Often people find love when they stop seeking it out. This is a temporary blip. It will get better. Please believe this. Sorry this is so long but when I read your msg, I really felt for you. Please confide in a friend. X

Oh dear OP, been there.
It doesn't sound like he is quite worthy of your love.
But I know it hurts.

I’ve never been in a relationship and my delusional self really thought this would be it

The first heartbreak is the worse. Definitely go no contact completely. It's the only way to heal. A half way house won't work.

How old are you?

Thank you all. Your words are all the nail on the head and sorry to be that person but I find it so difficult to break free from him as at the end of the day he is a great person and friend even though it clearly can be seen he is playing it cool and trying to keep everyone happy.

All your words hit home and deep down I know what to do but I have such deep confidence issues I can’t pull away.

@Ariann thank you for bumping. At least someone is listening.

@Aprilx he is minimising his relationship and I have asked him not to do this as it is what it is. From what I have heard from mural friends (who don’t know our history) I can see it’s a strange one but trying not to hang on to this even though deep down let’s face it we all live in Hope.

@Yummypumpkin it does hurt like hell. It’s torture. Especially as he is the only man I have every loved and known inside out.

@RhubarbCustardy you are so right. I need to reach out to someone in real life even though painful. Thank you for your kind words.

@Fireflygal I have a LOT of heartbreak but this is the worst. This is the only one I have stayed in contact with. And I am 45 years old. Sad but true.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Thank you.