Am I over sensitive?

[TheNorthWindIsTossingTheLeaves]

Husband and I have lots of unresolved issues because anytime I try to bring them up he won't engage, he listens for a bit then gets overwhelmed and shuts down. Nothing gets resolved and he says it's my fault because I never forgive, but he never shows that he's listened or expresses any empathy for me when he's done something hurtful, and similar things just keep happening.

I overheard him telling our son, who was finding something hard, "That's OK, everyone has trouble with something, like Mum's no good at driving". I have always had low confidence around driving but I drive regularly and have never had an accident. He is quite happy to let me drive the kids around, including long distances, and drive whenever he wants to drink.

I said later that I thought it was unfair to give me bad press in front of the children where it wasn't warranted. He agreed that he shouldn't have said it but couldn't understand why I was upset. I asked him, don't you think I'm a good driver? and he said no, he didn't think I was a good driver, he thinks I am a below average driver with poor situational awareness who reacts later than he would to other cars on the road.

I'm hurt because he could have answered more kindly, he knows driving is something I have low confidence about. He says it's my fault because I dragged an insult out of him.

He is shutting you down. You aren’t allowed to have a discussion and he turns the blame on you.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Resentment is setting in.

If he truely you were that bad a driver then he really is a an idiot to let you drive the kids. Surely you’re a danger?

He is trying to undermine your confidence. It’s about control.

I was reading an article about what makes people likeable and I asked him if he thought I was likeable and he said not really. Then he was surprised I was upset.

Why are you with him? He doesn’t seem to like you much, he's also got no respect for you.

I hope your ducks are in a row for if you ever need it 💐

Does he like anything about you? Why is he with you, if he really thinks so little of you? Unless you are actually a lovely person but he doesn't want you to realise it....

next time he wants a lift say no as your such a bad driver

He seems to enjoy putting you down, so why do you ask such specific "do you think I'm..." questions?

You know hes going to be horrible and apparently gets a kick out of it, the only person who feels worse is you.

He's not going to suddenly change and start showering you with praise. Even something you're really good at, if you asked him, "Do you think I'm good at x?" He would absolutely say no and grab the opportunity to put you down again with glee.

This is abuse. You need to leave him.

He thinks it's ok to put you down. He needs to be shown that it isn't.

Does he like anything about you? Why is he with you, if he really thinks so little of you?
That's a bit extreme isn't it? He said he didn't like her driving! Yes in a ridiculously blunt way but hardly a tell all sign of his hate for OP!!!

He sounds really really horrible! The last one you said about being unlikable is terrible. Who would say that to anyone never mind their partner?

You have one life. It's time to decide whether you want to spend it with him.

Well he's a shithead, isn't he?

Look at articles about being married to a narcassist. Sound very similar to my stbxh.

Then get out. This will only get worse, not better.

@stayathomer

Does he like anything about you? Why is he with you, if he really thinks so little of you? That's a bit extreme isn't it? He said he didn't like her driving! Yes in a ridiculously blunt way but hardly a tell all sign of his hate for OP!!!

He told OP she isn't likeable. I'd say that's pretty tell-all about what he thinks of her.

Op, I'm quite sure you're not 'overreacting' , but I'm also struggling to see why you keep loading his 'insult' gun yourself ?

There's no nice way to say this, but he's a nasty shit who seems to enjoy hurting you deliberately.

However you need to stop asking him for validation, because he's using it to hurt you !

Stop asking him to say you're 'good' or 'not good' or 'likeable' or 'not likeable' etc !

He's a shit husband/partner.

You need to change either your husband or your communication with him, so that you stop actually encouraging his crappy behaviour.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. He wants absolute over you all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. What they are seeing here is you being abused by their dad.

I asked him, don't you think I'm a good driver? and he said no, he didn't think I was a good driver, he thinks I am a below average driver with poor situational awareness who reacts later than he would to other cars on the road.

I'm hurt because he could have answered more kindly, he knows driving is something I have low confidence about. He says it's my fault because I dragged an insult out of him.

Ok so I get you being upset about him saying what he did to your child but this reads like you're more upset that he gave an honest response when you questioned him?

All the other issues about the poor communication aside, you did ask for his opinion here. He doesn't need to answer more kindly.

@TheNorthWindIsTossingTheLeaves

I was reading an article about what makes people likeable and I asked him if he thought I was likeable and he said not really. Then he was surprised I was upset.

This is your husband saying this?

Oh my god.

Walk right out of his unlikeable door.

@GoodnightGrandma

I hope your ducks are in a row for if you ever need it 💐

Why do so many people always jump to the 'leave him' option.

OP - you sound like hard work. I am sorry.
I don’t know more than you said in the post, but based on the info there - your H hasn’t done anything wrong.

It is OK to admit to children that adults can find something hard. It is actually good to do that - so they know to not give up when they find something hard.
You admit yourself you have low confidence with driving - so you find it hard. But you still drive, etc., etc.

Instead of taking it as some personal attack - you should have joined in and told your child how despite its being hard (scary, etc) for you - you still do it and do OK.
Your child would have learned something there.

But instead, you made it into yet another ‘issue’ that your H needs to apologise for.
If all the other ‘unresolved issues’ are of similar level - then I feel sorry for the two of you.

You - because you seem overly sensitive and insecure; and your H - because is is walking on eggshells. And can’t do anything right.
Unless you two resolve it - this won’t end well. No one can live in constant state or constantly being accused of being wrong.

@MMmomDD

OP - you sound like hard work. I am sorry. I don’t know more than you said in the post, but based on the info there - your H hasn’t done anything wrong.

It is OK to admit to children that adults can find something hard. It is actually good to do that - so they know to not give up when they find something hard.
You admit yourself you have low confidence with driving - so you find it hard. But you still drive, etc., etc.

Instead of taking it as some personal attack - you should have joined in and told your child how despite its being hard (scary, etc) for you - you still do it and do OK.
Your child would have learned something there.

But instead, you made it into yet another ‘issue’ that your H needs to apologise for.
If all the other ‘unresolved issues’ are of similar level - then I feel sorry for the two of you.

You - because you seem overly sensitive and insecure; and your H - because is is walking on eggshells. And can’t do anything right.
Unless you two resolve it - this won’t end well. No one can live in constant state or constantly being accused of being wrong.

Agree 100%.

He told OP she isn't likeable. I'd say that's pretty tell-all about what he thinks of her.
Sorry, I hadn't seen that although to be fair we'd need context on that too to be fair, if it was about people who were loveable/likeable and people you need to get to know etc and there was a full conversation around it then that is a thing. Are people here not in relationships? Do they never have actual conversations with their partners? On the basis of these two posts it's a huge jump to say he's controlling leave him etc. Maybe he is but I just dont think based on the information that's the natural progression

He doesn’t sound very kind or supportive from those examples; is this how he usually is?

Who told you that you are oversensitive? Your husband?

If you dont like what and how he is saying things, thats normal, and getting upset is normal. What is not normal is to make feel your wife low, not listen to her, avoid conversation and saying that she not likable (WTF is wrong with him?!).

If you got a driving license means that you are good enough to drive, all other comes with experience. And I bet your low confidence is also because of him. As no matter how good you are, if someone will be saying all the time that you are bad at this, you wont get any confidence ever. And also why he is comparing your driving to his? To show that he, brilliant driver is with you, horrible one, and you have to be happy that he chose you.

It all looks like abuse and gaslighting, where he makes you feel bad on purpose and if you will be saying that you dont like it, he will be saying that its your fault, you made him do that, that you are too sensetive, overreacting, etc. And in all situations it will be you, who is wrong, and with time you will start to doubt your own feelings and assessment of situations.

So if its all the time like this, I would consider changing the husband, as it wont lead you to anyting good.