Marriage communication - SAHP against my wishes

[VideoKilled]

I am struggling to communicate with my DH at the moment and finding it tough. Just wondered if anyone can relate or has any advice. Long story short I'm a SAHP to an 18month okd but didn't choose to be - was joking to return to work part time but business went under due to pandemic. Meanwhile husband works v long hours in high pressure corporate job. (Earns way more so has to be him that works). So I do everything to care for our toddler and look after the house until bedtime and then spend my evenings cleaning and doing chores to stay on top of everything. I'm feeling quite depressed as it's draining. My toddler is gorgeous but very demanding and it's a slog. I'm also lonely as I don't really know anyone I can offload to abs have no family of my own. DH used to always have my back.

Now resentment has crept in and it's tough. Ive felt resentment that he gets to go off and enjoy himself at Xmas parties, drinks with colleagues, even just meetings and train commutes meaning he gets time to scroll on his phone or read a book. I've felt resentment that I've come into his home office during the day to pick up laundry and seen that he's reading the news or on YouTube, in between meetings or waiting for a project to come in. I've felt resentment that I feel so shit and tired and lonely, busy and bored the whole time. No mums I see at soft play speak to each other and I just feel like I'm waiting for my LO to turn 5 and go to school, which I hate feeling.

My DH hates working from home and has found it hard so it's not always easy for him either. But I feel resentment when he gets our child up in the morning so I can have a shower and then leaves breakfast stuff all over the kitchen so my first job is to tidy up. I already tidied up before bed and it's a mess again.

I have said to DH I feel down / low and that I feel unsupported by him. His response is "well I feel down too". Like he tries to just trump my feelings to win an argument. I end up retreating more and more into myself. Last night he turned the light off without saying goodnight. There are days I feel like he detests me. I've told him this. He said he feels he has tried to support.

I don't know how much is me being unreasonable and clouded by feelings of being low.

I felt the same way when my LO was 18 months. I put her in a lovely nursery 3 mornings a week (we don't have a huge income but I needed to do it for my mental health so we cut back on other parts of our budget).

After a few months I got a part time job and I am in such a better place because of it.

I highly recommend getting a part time job, even if you only break even with nursery fees.... You will likely feel so much better. It's tough being with a toddler 24/7.

As for your husband, he may have a hard job but I guarantee your SAHP job is harder (in different ways). He needs to realise he's a parent now and can't keep going off for drinks and whatever activities whenever he wants. A frank conversation is a good start.

Good luck

Why on earth don’t you get a job? Put toddler in nursery 2/3 days a week or more, get a cleaner four hours a week and tell your husband he needs to do more.
The issue isn’t necessarily your husband (though he could do more), it’s the fact you are feeling like a domestic drudge with a demanding toddler.
It’s up to you to sort that out by getting a job or as above, telling your husband the toddler is going to nursery 2/3 days a week. Also, start going out with your friends. Arrange nights out.

I echo others. Get a job and childcare.

If you’re lonely can you join any clubs for your interests?

It's not as easy as "why on earth" don't I get a job. I have a trained profession and it's not easy to just "get a job".

I think childcare asap is a good idea though and am going to try and get something organised ASAP for the new year.

I’ve had this a bit OP.

Looking after a toddler is more than a full time job. Stop trying to do all of the housework as well, you don’t have time. If he messes up the kitchen, leave it like that and let him slowly become aware of it.

Do not collect laundry from his office! Have one laundry basket somewhere more neutral and collect from there. Or, he can do his own laundry. You do not have to do his laundry.

I’ve been reflecting on this a lot over the past few years, as I love looking after people, but my experience has been that the more you do for a man, the more he expects you to do, and the less respect he has for you. He comes to see it as ‘your job’. It isn’t. You’re a stay at home parent, not a stay at home parent and also cleaner and also chef and also everything else.

I feel the ‘get a job’ approach in this situation is sometimes a race to the bottom. So you were laid off, at some point during your maternity leave, it seems. If your DH brings in a good salary, there must have been some point at which you had a chat about when or whether you’d go back to work. If do, what changed? When did he check out? In the long term, of course it is best if you plan a return to work but until then there has to be a basic acceptance of personal limits in what you can do. And these limits are very important in forming the basis of a return to work strategy. Just like him, you will likely find it hard to work from home/not work from home but you will jointly have to put up with that. Start now in insisting on role sharing otherwise you will be compromising and doing yourself down before you even start looking for work. I say this as someone who returned to work after (several) babies at one-quarter of my pre-baby salary because I set the bar so low for my work capability, configuring in my parenting obligations (not ‘our’) and under-pitching myself. Where do you see yourself professionally, and how does the load get fairly shared?

It sounds like he's fallen into the habit of thinking everything house and child related is you. He might work long hours, but if he's got time to surf the internet and go out on work jollies, then he's got enough time to give you a break. You are working full time too, in the home, and it's only fair that you both have equal leisure time. I would also be pulling him up on leaving the kitchen in a mess in the mornings each and every time. You are raising your child, not a domestic servant.

You should also have a proper conversation about the long term situation and going back to work. You are entitled to a career and to maintain your financial independence. Frankly, if he's not willing to support you then you're better off cutting your losses now. Make it crystal clear that when you go back to work you will be continuing with "equal leisure time", and that he will be expected to do his share of the parenting and housework.

I feel very much like you now, but I’m older. Please don’t waste your life waiting for it to get better, or for him to change. I did and I’m now looking at getting divorced in my 50’s with peri menopause to tackle too.
My advice to you is to get a job and see how the dynamics in your relationship change.
I also think you should get your ducks in a row in the background, in case you need it in the future.
I don’t think any will change, so it’s better if you have an income and little one is settled in nursery when you do go.

Personally I\d be looking for a job outside of what you did before. I couldn't always get work in my field so I did other things - drove a cab, did waitressing, home care. You could look into other areas while you are waiting to see if something comes up in your preferred field.

Don't just keep on being a SAHP if it doesn't suit you, you have options .

I’d be looking for a job to be honest; I’m not saying that it’s as easy as that but I’d be at least looking at ways back in so that you have something for you.
I completely get how you feel as I was similar towards the end of my first maternity leave and going back to work really helped as I didn’t then just feel like a mum and a wife.
Also I’ve made mum friends through the apps where mums who also want to make friends go on there so might be worth a try.

Your anger is understandable: you didn’t and don’t want to SAH. You’re doing so because your H - who became a parent too - is unwilling to make changes to his working life, but apparently happy with you completely losing your working life.

‘Earns way more so has to be him that works’. Strongly disagree. IMO YOU ‘have to’ consider your own personal and your DC’s interests in the event of a break up, for example

SAH - and even working PT - is a huge personal, financial risk for you personally, also with implications for your DC.

Financial independence and earning ability are a v high priority for me.

My DH really disappointed me by being unwilling to curtail his working hours much after DC. So it was a choice between me doing most of the weekday parenting or the DC being in childcare v long hours.

I worked PT when they were tiny, then ramped up to FT once youngest was in preschool. Had I not been able to work PT would have worked FT, reasonable FT hours, and got the best possible childcare. DH did morning drop offs and I got up v early in order to leave early for the DC.

Working PT, not working excess hours when went FT and doing more than my fair share of parenting and domestic work at home had a big negative impact on my career and earnings. BUT I have a good job and earn OK and would be OK should we divorce, DH was ill or whatever else.

Of course getting a job isn’t easy, and it’s likely you may need to seek a full time job, since PT opportunities usually go to ‘incumbents’.

Your current situation isn’t easy either. Nor are:
being financially dependent on a man whose behaviour suggests puts his interests above yours. Losing your earning ability in the labour market. Not building up pension. Etc etc

@VideoKilled

It's not as easy as "why on earth" don't I get a job. I have a trained profession and it's not easy to just "get a job".

I think childcare asap is a good idea though and am going to try and get something organised ASAP for the new year.

Your lazy husband isn't going to change, he evidently doesn't have much respect for you or give two hoots about your feelings as long as he's getting what he wants- to work without disruption to his career or have to do stuff around the house or with your child. I'd be getting a job to get some financial independence with a view to leaving him to it if he doesn't pull his finger out of his arse. There isn't a magic wand to make him be a decent partner and farther, if you're unhappy it needs to be you that makes a change.

• Both of you should read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Then play the card game that comes with it to redistribute responsibilities. If you are having trouble communicating this is a great visual way to show him things are currently unbalanced.

• arrange childcare for part of the week and in that time schedule time for yourself that doesn't include chores. Whatever you used to like to do that makes you feel like you.

• The Motherkind podcast has some great episodes on self care for parents that could help your well-being.

And yes as people have said, looking after an 18 month old FT leaves little time for much else and he needs to understand and appreciate that. Maybe he should try it on one of his days off and see how much he gets done.

OP, a lot of things aren’t clear in your post. What is clear is you don’t like your life but don’t believe you have the ability to change it. That’s not a good situation and it will ruin your MH. It’s time to reflect on why you are in this situation and to take back control. Just blaming your husband or the world around you won’t do that for you. What is causing this and how can you change it.

Is it your husband and how is he stopping you work? His job shouldn’t on face value stop you working. Even if he does no housework or child care. The question to pose to him is he willing to fund the childcare you need as a family to let you work and be a happy family. Time to make you need for a job a red line.

Is it your field and profession? In which case it might be time to retrain but that will need his support. Or look for another field to work in.

Is it your own lack of motivation and if so what is behind that? Being out of work can impact on esteem and motivation.

At the moment you see no agency in your life and that is not good. But there are ways to get it back. First step is seeing this as a situation you can influence and control. Maybe not all of it from today. But incrementally you need to pull back control of your life and decisions.

I would suggest you refrain all of this using in terms of you. Not him and the world. That means saying I need a job. I need help in the house because I hate housework (so will he by the way). I need your support to help me achieve this. I am unhappy and my MH is suffering. I think our marriage and family will suffer if things don’t change for me.

What type of work does he do?

The reason I ask is because I work in an industry that is mostly male.

In the slack channel, they take turns bragging how little work they do and the higher up they are, the less they do. They are working from home and the hours they list as actually working ranges from 0 to about 30. The rest of the time is screwing around online, working out, cycling, pub, etc.

The fact that you caught him watching youtube and the news points to he isn't working as hard as he claims.

If you have a gopro or something like that, set it up in his home office to record his screen one day and you'll see for yourself(delete it after of course)

@RantyAunty

What type of work does he do?

The reason I ask is because I work in an industry that is mostly male.

In the slack channel, they take turns bragging how little work they do and the higher up they are, the less they do. They are working from home and the hours they list as actually working ranges from 0 to about 30. The rest of the time is screwing around online, working out, cycling, pub, etc.

The fact that you caught him watching youtube and the news points to he isn't working as hard as he claims.

If you have a gopro or something like that, set it up in his home office to record his screen one day and you'll see for yourself(delete it after of course)

Are you suggesting she spies on her husband? Is he allowed to check out if she takes time out from her day as well?

Is this something you would like to happen to you?

I don’t think that how much work he does in a day is relevant. If he was going to an office you wouldn’t know what he’s doing.
It’s everything else, how you feel and are treated, that’s relevant.
You don’t seem to like us saying to get a job, but it’s what saved my sanity when I was a SAHM.

Let’s assume OP’s H is working hard in his paid role, for all of the hours he works. But is unwilling to reduce his hours to do some parenting and the additional domestic work generated by DC from Monday to Friday. So he gets to be a parent and work as though he has no DC, thus (at least) maintaining his standing and earnings. Facilitated by OP, to her detriment.

If you want to go back to work, then go back to work. Your DH can't stop you doing that. I'm not sure from your Op (sorry if I've missed it) that he's tried stopping you.

It might not be easy to get in to the job you want, but you would hopefully feel better just trying. Maybe go for a compromise job that would get you back on the ladder.

Then look at distribution of household jobs based on you both getting the same amount of 'down time'.

I've been a SAHP and I've been in a stressful FT job. I personally found SAHP much preferable and much less stressful, but went back to work for practical reasons. But you absolutely have to have a fair distribution of work and downtime, in whichever scenario you end up in, to avoid resentment.

Think about why you are resenting your husband when none of this is his fault. He didn’t choose for you not to go back to work, but he has been willing to support you in being a sahm, even if neither of you wanted that.

This is a problem that you need to solve for yourself, because your husband stopping looking at the news or YouTube in between work projects isn’t going to do anything to make you feel less isolated and more enthusiastic about your life.

Thanks for all the replies which I'm reading. To answer a few questions - he works in a corporate city job. His earnings are high so in that respect we are fortunate.

He hasn't stopped me working and fully supports me wanting to. It's difficult my profession is work that I self-generate, and before pandemic I had lots of clients and networks which faded away due to covid and maternity combined. So I would need time abs capacity to build it all up again.

We do pay a cleaner but only 2hrs on a Friday and the house looks lovely for about 2 hours...

If he is a high earner then paying for some childcare without an immediate corresponding income isn’t unreasonable at all.

Pop your toddler into childcare 3 long mornings a week. Use the time to do some things for you and for rebuilding your work relationships. Do not use it for chores!

Once work starts to pick up and you see how your toddler is doing in childcare you can decide how much work / child balance works for you