Bad Memory used as an Excuse or Gaslighting?

[Smithy92]

Hi,

Background is pretty simple, I never had astounding memory for some conversations (not through being rude, just generally struggled my whole life). I then went through depression recently (still fighting it) and my memory has unfortunately become worse.

In my relationship, if we disagree on something that has happened or had been said, my partner uses my bad memory as an excuse as to why I "probably didn't say it" and as backup for why she is right that I didn't tell her. I hold my hands up and have vocalised this too, my memory is not the best, but there are situations where I know I am right. I then end up trying to explain, I would just like it for her to hold her hands up at times and think, perhaps I wasn't listening, perhaps I didn't concentrate, perhaps I didn't take it in, instead of saying I did not tell her and I have bad memory therefore she's right. I end up arguing it out of principal which obviously causes conflict, and as soon as I raise my voice slightly so I can have my say, the door is closed (literally) and I'm left to ponder my thoughts.

Is this Gaslighting or am I just being overly sensitive? It's not a regular thing, but I will argue my point if I know I am right.

Thanks!

Is there a pattern to this? If it is always the same sort of thing you could make a note on your phone next time you tell partner something. At least you'll know if you mentioned it or not.

@whisperGold that's a good idea I may do that actually. Definitely a pattern, and then when I try to explain how it frustrates me how she treats the whole situation I get a door slammed in my face and told to leave her alone (second time in one day). Now that I know is not me being soft.

Wait so are you saying shes denying you said something you have a memory of, or you've forgotten something she's saying she said?

Sounds like she is taking advantage of your poor memory and using it to undermine you where it’s convenient for her to do so – and to justify dismissing what you have to say.

I don’t think that’s very fair or respectful, and this would undermine my trust in her. It’s bad faith, and if she’s doing it in a cynical way (ie on purpose just to get the upper hand in an argument, rather than because her recollection really differs) then yes, it’s gaslighting.

That ^^ was meant to say if it’s bad faith

Even if she genuinly thought you'd forgotten something, slamming doors and not hearing you out is not on.

She may well be using your bad memory as a 'reason' when it isn't. That could be conscious or sub-conscious.

Are you able to have a chat, when you're both relaxed and happy, and explain that you're concerned that she jumps to blaming your memory when that isn't always the case. That maybe she too has memory issues, and we can all be guilty of not listening properly sometimes. That it isn't fair to always jump to the conclusion that you are at fault, and then to deal with that by storming off and slamming doors.

Other than this issue, are you otherwise happy? Does it feel like a mutually respectful and loving relationship?

@sparklfairy she's saying she doesn't remember something I've said (I've not had the discussion with anyone else so I'm not mistaking it for conversations elsewhere).

@TheRigatonini okay I'm glad I'm not overthinking things. It's definitely used as a way to get an upper hand and kill the conversation. Which is the problem I am more frustrated by, as forgetting something happens all the time. But using memory to try to disregard my point is annoying to say the least.

So it is gaslighting then - because she is trying to say you're remembering a conversation that never happened, and weaponising your memory against you? Rather than the more logical explanation, that she's forgotten or wasn't listening?

Apologies if I've got this wrong, I'm not sure if its a bit unclear or I'm just having one of those days

@layladomino the way I would probably describe things (and this is blunt), I don't know many others that would accept the things that are said and the way things are said (with excuses being that's just me, don't try to change me). But fortunately I'm grateful I'm one of the most laid back people I know. I pick my fights carefully and give a lot of room for her "normal behaviour" but will pick her up on it when it crosses a line like this week.

When she's calm I can and will try to talk to her but it will be a similar thing where she gets angry easily and will go back to points she knows she can use against me like that. I'm hopeful that bit by bit I'm making her realise how unreasonable she is and how the hotheadedness is not acceptable at times.

@Sparklfairy basically yes. To the point I've had to check back on our dog camera to highlight parts of the conversation it managed to record (which surprisingly aren't memorable too despite being recorded, but that still isn't enough to suggest she didn't listen to the whole conversation).