Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can this work?

21 replies

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 08:18

After general feelings on can this work or not. Been dating a guy for 7 months or so. A little sporadic due to his child commitments which I haven't worried about too much until now as we did get the odd Saturday night to go out. His ex has now said he has to have their child every weekend, both days and all day/night. No negotiation. Week night dates are possible but only 1 night during the week due to work commitments. He is agreeing to his ex. I'm not questioning his parenting, he will absolutely do what is right for their child. I just don't know whether to continue the relationship and hope that in the future he gets more free time. For context we are both early 50's and the child is 6.

OP posts:

Salayes · 10/12/2021 08:34

Have you met his child? Why has he agreed to this arrangement? It seems odd that his ex would get no time with their child at the weekend and he would get no weekends free at all. Does she know about you and is it a recent split?

Original poster

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 09:10

@salayes no I haven't met his child. It has only been 7 months so it hasn't even been discussed. They have been separated going on for 5 years so the split isn't recent. It was her decision to break up. I asked if she knew about me but he doesn't think so. This has all stemmed from him dropping his child off an hour or so earlier a couple of weeks ago so we could go out for a function that we had tickets to. Up until now he has had his child every weekend anyway but not both days every weekend and not overnight.

I really like this guy but if it can't work I need to walk away. I'm not getting any younger, my child access arrangements are much more flexible so I do have free time to date.

OP posts:

Original poster

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 09:29

I think he has agreed because he feels that as long as he keeps his ex happy then that is better for their child. If she is happy then their child will be happy and not affected as much by their not being together. And he wants to see his child. I get that. I really do. It's just every weekend for both days seems impossible to continue to date.

OP posts:

nahnahna · 10/12/2021 09:36

You know what you're right, and it's best to walk away now. It's totally your choice who to date and you could find someone else who can fit in with your life more.

He is also well within his rights to agree to anything with his ex regarding his child, doesn't mean you have to like it and carry on dating him.

I would walk away from this

ValerieCupcake · 10/12/2021 09:47

I used to tie myself in knots to accommodate guys. I felt if I didn't, I was selfish. But in your shoes I would back off.

Palavah · 10/12/2021 09:54

I asked if she knew about me but he doesn't think so.
That response would annoy me. Who else does he think would tell her about you?

Anyway, he's free to say yes to every weekend (though it's a bizarre arrangement) and you're free to say that doesn't work for you (it wouldn't work for me) and move on.

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2021 10:07

It would be a huge no for me. Resentment will start to creep in when your time together is very limited. TBH I would never date a man with young children for this very reason now mine are all adults. Ties you down again and puts you way down the list of their priorities

Aprilx · 10/12/2021 10:09

I think it can work, but I don’t think that is the right question. The right question is do I want this.

I am also early 50s and I would give it proper thought but no I don’t think I would want to spend every weekend with a six year old or alternatively not see my boyfriend / partner at the weekend.

I think at this stage in my life, if I were to start again with someone, I would prefer a man with grown up children. 🙂

litterbird · 10/12/2021 10:21

You are being very sensible to question all of this. Yes, it does seem odd that all of a sudden he is now with his child every weekend now, brilliant for him and his daughter but may not be workable for a new relationship. Personally, being in my 50s I knew I didn't want to date anyone with young children as my daughter is now adult and living away. I think you need to find someone who is as flexible as you are with your arrangements. The relationship has a better chance to develop and grow.

HollowTalk · 10/12/2021 10:26

You've gone through the tough time with small children and you're now in your 50s - why would you want to do that again? Just when you are free, you find you're going to be hugely limited by this relationship. Even if you were introduced to her then you'd have to do kids' things all weekend and stay in in the evening.

Let him go. He sounds like a good dad - although he's the same age as you, he's at a completely different stage in his life due to having a child so late.

oviraptor21 · 10/12/2021 10:30

It sounds like you're not actually that bothered about him so on that basis I would end it.

Cas112 · 10/12/2021 11:00

@tweatypie

Maybe he agreed because he likes having his child and is happy to have her all weekend.

He is a parent foremost and ye maybe your right you do need to end it, you clearly need someone with less commitments.

Muddlebubble · 10/12/2021 11:07

My friend is 50, she met a man with a young child, i think he is also 6 years old. She went ahead and lives with him, unfortunately the childs mother died before they met, so her partner obviously has sole care. She is finding it so so hard as her children have grown up, she has to do school runs again and all that stuff that having a young child involves. I am late 30's and i must admit i couldn't go back to al that again as mine are so close to secondary school.
This kid is only 6 he has atleast 10 years of full on parenting to do, its not something i would want

Wookiewoo29 · 10/12/2021 11:09

My partner was the same. Had his two young kids every weekend and we would only see each other on some week nights. We had to prioritise our free time in the week to make it work. It was this way until we moved in together which then helped as it meant we had more time in the week together. He would use a day of annual leave once a month so we could have a date together away from kids.
Not going to lie, it is really hard when that's not your usual lifestyle. I never thought I would have children so I struggled with have two others that weren't mine. My life was single and carefree and suddenly I was classed as a "step parent" and it scared me a lot.
My honest advice is to only do it if you think it's worth it.

Original poster

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 12:20

Its so difficult isn't it? To the pp who said I'm obviously not bothered by him you are very wrong. I like him a lot. If I didn't I wouldn't be trying to find ways to make it work around this arrangement. I've been single and separated for almost 10 years now. I've dated in that time but he is the first person who I have dated and actually like enough to think it might have a future. Up until now that is.

OP posts:

Joy69 · 10/12/2021 12:21

I would call it a day. It's not so much the weekend arrangement, it's the fact that he still does what his ex wants. Ive just finished a 2 year relationship because of this. The kids are absolutely not the problem in these situations, the parents are. I think as time goes by your partners lack of back bone will be the issue. My ex was lovely too, but sometimes you have to put your needs first.

Anthurium · 10/12/2021 12:34

I had my child "late" (very recently) so am about to turn 40 next week.

"I just don't know whether to continue the relationship and hope that in the future he gets more free time". Well, as someone else has already pointed out he will most likely be involved in full time parenting for the next 10 years at least, and after that he's likely to have more free time. Are you willing to be patient?

It's tricky when you have children older than what's expected as there really is so little time to develop intimacy or to date properly.

Original poster

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 14:13

@joy69 I couldn't agree more. His ex is being unreasonable. There is no room for manoeuvre at all. But his reaction to do exactly as she says without even a slight fight, for want of a better word, is very telling. I don't expect him not to do as she has asked. He wants to see his child. However, some of the conditions attached to it, like sharing pick up and drop offs, could have been negotiated. He hasn't even tried to do that.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 10/12/2021 15:09

I the you are perfectly reasonable to end the relationship if it's not working for you. I'm afraid my suspicious mind does wonder if he's really broken up with her but I'll take your word for it. Personally, I think if he has the DC every weekend, that's just the way the world is sometimes. But the issue is NOT that he's unwilling to push back on having his children, the issue is that he's not willing to find a way to also accommodate a relationship with you. So therefore there's no point in continuing this relationship. Sorry.

AnaViaSalamanca · 10/12/2021 15:29

Are you even sure he is telling the truth? I find it quite odd amd my first thought would be he is relegating you with an iron clad excuse to open up his weekends for other stuff

Original poster

tweatypie · 10/12/2021 15:38

No, I do believe he is telling the truth. He doesn't have a reason to lie about it. I'm not making demands on his time, or trying to make him not see his child every weekend. I'm just trying to figure out if and how this could work.

OP posts:

Flip