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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grieving/ unsupportive husband

18 replies

taytayardagna · 10/12/2021 06:51

Hello,

So, almost 2 months ago, my dad was murdered by my brother, making him his own son. (October 27, 2021).

When I was born, I was unwanted by my biological mother and given up for adoption. Luckily my grandparents adopted and raised me (my dads, dad). My dad had mental illness, but never ever violent, always silly, and helping others. He tried to get custody of me, but due to his mental illness, was unable. But, he was always there, he loved his kids very much, including my brother. Me and my brother that murdered him were the closest to my dad. My dad always spoke about his kids. My dads birthday was on October 15th. He just turned 47. On October 27 I get the worse call of my life, that my father was murdered and the number one suspects were my brother and his girlfriend. I was lost for words, fell to the floor, my world came crashing down. And then to find out my dads injuries were sustained 24 or more hours before he was found. My dad was beaten to death by his own son, broken ribs, curbed face, etc. he died from internal bleeding ( a very slow and painful death). My brother was able to go to work, while his gf stayed at the apt and monitored my dads life being drained from him. She was updating my brother, such as "he's still breathing" "still breathing" "doesn't look too well anymore" "I think he stopped breathing". They could've saved him, and if he was saved my dad wouldn't of ever told who did what was done to him. He would've made up a storey about being jumped and not knowing who did it. My brother beat up my dad about a year ago, and when asked by my aunt why the fuck he didn't hit my brother back, my dad said "that's my son, I could never hit my own son". So my dad lost his life because he didn't want to hit his son back, if he did my dad would've kicked his ass, he was tough. He suffered 24, or more hours to try and live. Unfortunately he lost the battle, he couldn't go on anymore. The worse thing too, that is eating at me is that my aunt gave me my dads number 3 days prior to being murdered and said to call him, I have a 2 year old and got busy and said to myself "I will definitely call in a couple days" and I didn't get that chance. My dad died waiting for my fucking call and j hate myself for it. Needless to say, IM SUFFERING. And the point to this being posted is that; my husband is being so much more mean to me, I beg him, saying please I need someone. He calls me annoying and to shut the fuck up, all that. He barely is home, says I'm too annoying, and I continually tell him I'm hurting please I need someone. He's so cold about the whole thing. I had to seal my dads ashes in my urn today and didn't want to go through that alone and he ignored me and told me to fuck off and I'm annoying: of course i bawl my eyes out and he doesn't budge.... does he hate me!?

OP posts:
physicskate · 10/12/2021 07:00

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you.

Your husband is a terrible human being. I do hope you have support in RL. Are you grandparents still alive? Your aunt?

Teacupsandtoast · 10/12/2021 07:25

Your husband is a f*cking horrible person. Use your grief and use that powerful emotion to find the strength to leave him

Riverlee · 10/12/2021 07:27

Sorry for your loss.

Please contact Cruse for some help and support.

Cruse

taytayardagna · 10/12/2021 07:42

@physicskate

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you.

Your husband is a terrible human being. I do hope you have support in RL. Are you grandparents still alive? Your aunt?

Yes they're alive but almost 80, now terrified of them going. I'm only 26, 27 at the end of this month. Going to be my First birthday without a call from him :( My aunt is alive but she's the type to stay ghost while grieving ..I do still see her but not as much, used to be a couple times a week now 2 times a month or so.
OP posts:
taytayardagna · 10/12/2021 07:43

@Teacupsandtoast

Your husband is a f*cking horrible person. Use your grief and use that powerful emotion to find the strength to leave him
It's made me think a lot different of him, idk ...
OP posts:
taytayardagna · 10/12/2021 07:45

@physicskate

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you.

Your husband is a terrible human being. I do hope you have support in RL. Are you grandparents still alive? Your aunt?

Thank you 💕 this is totally not what I thought, because man if this happened to him, I'd be kissing his feet trying my best to uplift him. In my case I'm crying to him asking for someone and he goes to sleep because "I'm annoying" idk how to feel, like it makes me think of some times I've cried to him and think maybe it is annoying. Idk how I'm supposed to feel... :(
OP posts:
taytayardagna · 10/12/2021 07:47

@Riverlee

Sorry for your loss.

Please contact Cruse for some help and support.

Cruse

Thank you, does this work in Canada?
OP posts:
Turniptracker · 10/12/2021 07:53

This is absolutely awful to read from start to finish, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. You need to get some professional support four your grief as you clearly are not able to get any at home. As for your husband, he is an abusive piece of shit and you need to get shot of him it of your life forever he is disgusting

Iwilloneday · 10/12/2021 08:02

I was shocked to read this! Heartbreaking for you and I feel great sadness that you are going through this alone with no support from the one person who should be there for you.
Get rid of him asap. At best he's a piece of shit and at worst he's a narcissist who will only make your life worse and worse. You deserve so much better. Wishing you courage and strength and sending love hugs and a big hand hold

FabulousMrFifty · 10/12/2021 08:09

Sorry for your loss, that sounds horrendous, I lost my father to cancer a few years back, and watched him die in front of me, it’s tough.
You husband is not a bad person, buthe doesn’t know how to deal the emotional issues you are going through, so he is pushing you away rather then face up to supporting you ( quiet a few of my relations have died from cancer over the years), so I’ve gotten used to it now.
Once you have got over the grief of losing your father ( been 3 years for me now, ), find a new husband
Good luck

tewhyesohen · 10/12/2021 08:09

@Turniptracker

This is absolutely awful to read from start to finish, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. You need to get some professional support four your grief as you clearly are not able to get any at home. As for your husband, he is an abusive piece of shit and you need to get shot of him it of your life forever he is disgusting
Thank you , I know I do but I don't even have time for that because I'm home 24/7, don't get me wrong I love her to death but at times like this it's hard. But he works like 15 hours a day, and nothing less since this happened, sometimes more hours... so I'm literally home all the time with her and she doesn't nap, hates being away from me. Ugh
tewhyesohen · 10/12/2021 08:11

@Iwilloneday

I was shocked to read this! Heartbreaking for you and I feel great sadness that you are going through this alone with no support from the one person who should be there for you. Get rid of him asap. At best he's a piece of shit and at worst he's a narcissist who will only make your life worse and worse. You deserve so much better. Wishing you courage and strength and sending love hugs and a big hand hold
Yeah, I thought it was just me going crazy, but seriously, hasn't felt bad for me at any time I asked for him to be there for me. He even once said "stop acting like you care about your dads death" ...... :( like what?
tewhyesohen · 10/12/2021 08:12

@Iwilloneday

I was shocked to read this! Heartbreaking for you and I feel great sadness that you are going through this alone with no support from the one person who should be there for you. Get rid of him asap. At best he's a piece of shit and at worst he's a narcissist who will only make your life worse and worse. You deserve so much better. Wishing you courage and strength and sending love hugs and a big hand hold
And thank you 💕
tewhyesohen · 10/12/2021 08:15

@FabulousMrFifty

Sorry for your loss, that sounds horrendous, I lost my father to cancer a few years back, and watched him die in front of me, it’s tough. You husband is not a bad person, buthe doesn’t know how to deal the emotional issues you are going through, so he is pushing you away rather then face up to supporting you ( quiet a few of my relations have died from cancer over the years), so I’ve gotten used to it now. Once you have got over the grief of losing your father ( been 3 years for me now, ), find a new husband Good luck
Yeah I don't think he wants to worry about it because he will always mention his stress that he's going through, but his issues are always the more worse situation. Like sorry this time you can't compare anything you've been through to what I'm going through right now
ikeepseeingit · 10/12/2021 08:26

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is not worth being around, if he can’t look after you in a time like this then what’s the point of spending your life with him? You don’t have to do anything right now, but in the future it’s worth reconsidering this marriage.

If it helps, write a letter to your dad and tell him all the things you need to say. You can send it off, burn it, bury it, or keep it in a drawer, whichever way you feel best about it.

I can only imagine how traumatic this was for you. Are you in therapy or counselling at all OP? This is a crisis point in your life with multiple layers of relationships that have been lost in a short space of time. I think you could do with a consistent source of advice and a listening ear. Your feelings of grief and anger are very understandable, I’m sure this is painful right to your core. Don’t let your husband make you think your emotions are anything but completely valid. You do not need to cope right now, you do not need to put on a brave face, this is awful for you and he should understand that. Much love OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.

nocnoc · 10/12/2021 09:02

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need support. Get a therapist to see weekly so it’s somebody to talk to. Call support lines. In the UK we have the Samaritans. Call organisations like this. Get as much support as you can. You also need to leave and block your husband. He’s disgusting and abusive. You can’t see it because you’ve had a bad childhood full of mental illness in adults so being badly treated is your normal. It is NOT normal for a husband to use the word fuck at his wife. That one thing is enough reason to divorce. You’ve then got all the other things he does. Join support groups. Get yourself a lot of support. You say you’d kiss his feet if this happened to him. Why? Can you see that isn’t a normal reaction? People don’t usually talk like that. It’s not normal to have those kinds of feelings or have that kind of reaction. Get help with your emotions from a psychiatrist/therapist. I have weekly therapy and it helps establish what is normal and regulate your behaviour and your reactions so you can then work out if others are mistreating you.

Riverlee · 10/12/2021 16:43

@taytayardagna

I guess you could call them from Canada. It’s a bereavement charity that has support lines.

midlifecrash · 11/12/2021 01:17

I’m so sorry. This is appalling. You have no marriage. Your husband only thinks about him self.

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