Husbands family are horrible - help with how to deal with them

[Evianfash40]

Just that really, normally I don't have to see my husbands family often as we live overseas but my husband had a breakdown 7 weeks ago & returned home to be with his family. Since then I've also spent some time staying with DH & FIL, only managed 10 days as I found his family a nightmare, felt like it was me & them, very isolating experience. But maybe I'm being overly sensitive? My DH breakdown has out a strain on everyone so tempers are frayed.
I've found my FIL to be a bully, control freak. We had to take my husband to A&E a few weeks ago, only one person allowed in with him, my husband asks for me, but FIL refused to leave, was so rude to triage nurse, caused a scene, then tried to register as a patient, in the end my DH and I were moved to separate waiting area. I also arranged counselling sessions for my husband, but because my FIL hadn't arranged it he told my DH to cancel them because they were a waste of money, took him out for a drive deliberately so he'd miss his appointment. It's his way or the highway, not willing to listen to anyone else. He then sent me a message yesterday saying "who the f**k left his bathroom in a mess"......... I haven't been in his house for weeks.
We also have a family WhatsApp group for husbands family and I'd posted some alternative options for treatment for my DH in the country we live in (we've been in UK for 7 weeks and he's no better) and his brother just replied "over my dead body, no way is he going back, that's not an option'
I mean it just feels hostile. We also got married a year ago, but DH didn't want to tell his family because we had a very low key wedding just witnesses etc and he was worried about what they would think. Anyway he told them last week, and I've not heard anything from them. No we are so pleased for you, nada.
His mother in law has been ringing me every day crying asking me when I'm going back up to their home to see DH, I've been stopping at my mums for a week now, riddled with flu, as is my son and Ive tried to tell her I'm just not well and I need some support too, and she's just not getting it. My DH has all of his family there to support him, I have noone and have to look after a 1 year old. My DH can't function as a dad or husband, he's told me he's consumed by his own thoughts. Yesterday he rang me at 6am in a state, suicidal..... Its the same every morning. He can only think about himself right now, and I'm OK with that in the sense he's unwell and needs to get better but don't find it helpful having pressure from MIL to return to his home. The week I spent there, I flew over alone with toddler then had to get train to his house (noone offered to pick me up), the whole time I stopped noone helped look after my son, If I needed to use the bathroom or shower had to take my son with me, house not baby friendly so had to cook for DH and I whilst holding my son in a carrier because noone would watch him, noone offered to babysit so I could spend time with DH who was desperate for my support, was left to deal with suicidal husband crawling on hands and knees whilst looking after my sick toddler. Now we are both sick, he's on antibiotics but his family are just treating me like we don't matter. Noone offered to cook, help out, nothing. Not to mention its a 5 hour train journey up to see them again. And I will have to make my own way to the house.
Am I being unreasonable? When I'm there I just feel miserable, isolated, disempowered, like I don't count. Normally I'm a confident mum too but I feel like they make me question myself. My MIL & SIL will say things like he never cries with us just with you, (which I don't believe) or question what I'm feeding him or say "haven't you got him walking yet" to which I'll say he will walk when he's ready, then get a "you need to train him"...... It sounds petty but they chip away at me all the time. Always comment on my weight.
I know I need to go back up to support my husband at some point but no idea how to tackle the family. Wondered if I should book an airbnb. I really don't want to spend Christmas there, we were supposed to spend it in the country we live in. But I feel like you should spend Christmas with your DH. It's just he has a huge family and my parents are separated so will most likely spend it alone which I feel awful about, would rather be with my family. Not sure how I feel about DH right now with everything going on. I know it's not his fault it's just hard.

Getting an Airbnb sounds like it could be a good option. Would your mum be able to go with you to give you support? It also gives you a place to escape when needed. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds really tough.

I've replied on your other threads. This is clearly a dysfunctional family and one which to a large part probably created the problem with your DHs health. I seem to remember you saying that he often felt inadequate.
I think there isn't a half way house here. Either they relinquish control and let you, and your husband, take all the decisions which they then support wholeheartedly or you disengage and let them get on with his care. It's pretty obvious the first isn't going to happen because they are domineering and dismissive of you, so carry on with the second.
You know already, I hope, that their treatment of you when you are a guest trying to care for their son and grandson is just despicable. Do not expose yourself to more. Christmas is tricky but I think it wouldn't be a bad time to lay down a marker of not sacrificing yourself on their altar.
I really feel for you, it's an awful position to be in but I think you need to look after yourself and your child first here.

I 100 per cent agree with pog100. Sorry you're going through this op

@pog100

I've replied on your other threads. This is clearly a dysfunctional family and one which to a large part probably created the problem with your DHs health. I seem to remember you saying that he often felt inadequate. I think there isn't a half way house here. Either they relinquish control and let you, and your husband, take all the decisions which they then support wholeheartedly or you disengage and let them get on with his care. It's pretty obvious the first isn't going to happen because they are domineering and dismissive of you, so carry on with the second. You know already, I hope, that their treatment of you when you are a guest trying to care for their son and grandson is just despicable. Do not expose yourself to more. Christmas is tricky but I think it wouldn't be a bad time to lay down a marker of not sacrificing yourself on their altar. I really feel for you, it's an awful position to be in but I think you need to look after yourself and your child first here.

I agree with Pog100; you're first duty is to your child and yourself jointly! All the more so in this case, as you are the only parent capable of caring for your child. I'm heart-sorry for all 3 of ye; your husband, you and your child but your child must come first and you cannot risk either running yourself into the ground or being emotionally vampirised by his highly toxic family any more! People who grew up in emotionally healthy, functional families with "good enough" parents do not tend to develop mental illnesses, especially not illnesses as severe as your husband's. I do think you must keep well away from them and stay away, for both you and your child's sake. I would also seek support for yourself- even ringing the Samaritan's may help you as you are under enormous stress and just having a kind person to listen to you pour it all out might help, even if only a small bit? I wish you all the very best whatever you decide to do.