Compatibility

[VenusMantrap]

I want:
A soonish response after reading
A kiss in said response
Compliments - verbal and in texts

We’ve met. Twice. He’s (in person) said he’s really attracted to me and also that he’s had his confidence knocked through a latterly unhappy marriage, and is surprised that someone as attractive as me is interested in him.

But, he doesn’t reply after reading? Or tell me I looked nice? And he’s still checking tinder when we have our third date planned.

I’m new to OLD so is this normal?

Dump the fucker. He sounds like a stone cold loser.

He’s a lawyer. Maybe careful about what he puts in writing but also know the impact of what he does (and doesn’t) write down..

I need spontaneity, passion and so on or I feel unattractive.
Leaving me overnight for a reply to a 9pm text is pretty shit. Guys - what say you?

If it isn't giving you what you want, walk away.

However if it's only your third date why would you expect him to not be checking tinder?

I’m new to old so not sure. What’s etiquette??
If he’s met me twice and wants (and has arranged) a third date is checking tinder a bad sign?

@VenusMantrap

I’m new to old so not sure. What’s etiquette?? If he’s met me twice and wants (and has arranged) a third date is checking tinder a bad sign?

It's a sign that he doesn't know you well enough to stop looking. And vice versa.

It's a third date not your third anniversary, it's normal. If it was 300th then you'd have a point.

Relax and enjoy.

You've only had two dates and everything is going well. I'd say don't rush to judge. I won't always reply to a 9pm text if I'm tired or not in the mood to chat (or can't think of anything clever to say). On compliments, he has told you he finds you attractive, maybe he just doesn't want to gush.

Also my understanding of OLD is that you are both free to keep checking apps until you mutually decide to make it exclusive. Two dates in would be very early.

You want spontaneity and passion but you are dictating how he should communicate with you even down to the fact that he should include a kiss?

Leaving me overnight for a reply to a 9pm text is pretty shit

Is it? Do you know his schedule? He be tired or might not even be up.

I'm not very communicative after 9pm because I'm winding down for the day. I'd be mortified to think that someone would be so offended by not getting a reply to a text after 9pm. Certainly after two dates - if someone felt that intensely about my reply/ lack of after such a short time, it would scare me off!

You need to relax a bit. You've had two dates, you're not in a committed relationship yet. Slow down, take a breath and enjoy it.

@VenusMantrap

I’m new to old so not sure. What’s etiquette?? If he’s met me twice and wants (and has arranged) a third date is checking tinder a bad sign?

It's up to you to decide if it's a bad sign really.

It obviously means he's keeping his options open and possibly still chatting to other people.

But after two dates? Why is that an issue? You barely know one another yet. You can't just barge into someone's life and demand 100% commitment out of nowhere. Take it easy and get to know him.

This is very normal with OLD. You don’t stop dating and looking until you have the chat that you want to be exclusive. I don’t reply in the late evening as I want to switch off and down tools. You seem to have a list of what a man must do for you to keep you engaged. With all due respect you will crash and burn with any OLD experience if you start dictating these behaviours. We all have different communication styles so think it might be a good idea to understand this before you dismiss any good man that doesn’t match your standards.

If you expect instant replies and constant complaints you need to address your own insecurities before getting into a relationship with anyone. Period.

You come across as very needy. Red flags are waving.

Not everyone keeps their options open in OLD, men included. You want what you want. Dont second guess it or ask whether its OK. Its what you want so aim for that

I didn’t think I was needy but I take that point. I shall try to address my own red flag there.

He is great in person… I guess it would be a bad sign if he was lovebombing me.

I think at the start I might normally be attracted to that type of attention but in hindsight it’s just superficial and lust really.

No. Being needy is when someone institutes boundaries on what they can and can't give and someone keeps pushing them anyway. Being needy is not 'having needs/desires' and moving on from people that don't reasonably meet some of them.

OLD can be a minefield. I already see one issue with this bloke thats glaring. If I met someone that I was really interested in and couldn't believe they were into me. So much so I directly told them this. I would not be like 'hmm, its 9pm I'm a bit tired so ill reply tomorrow'. Its not whether he replies or not. Its the fact that he seems very keen in person and a bit whatever by text. Disconnect. Anyone on here who tells you they're not always on their phone so don't be so rash is very very often in a LTR or married.

Theres a dating thread on here, you'd probably find some useful insights on there

Thanks supercali, that makes a lot of sense.

My exH was a bit lukewarm towards me and it ate away at my self esteem over time. I think it’s quite natural to want to feel desired and I’m not even sure myself if that means I need validated and I’m needy - to me it’s just that I want to feel a mutual spark/attraction.

The point of my thread was to wonder out loud if this means we’re not compatible, he’s not that into me or that he’s being cautious after an unhappy marriage. I know there’s no magic answers out there, was looking for viewpoints.

I would say the list you have is just finding out how people behave on OLD and not necessarily checking compatibility as such in terms of character, personality, habits etc .. It's very early days and you'd need a few months at least to get to know him in order to better decide how compatible you both are. At this stage it's pretty normal to still be looking and/or going on dates with others. Please don't take it personally, it's not really a bad sign, it's just how things can be. Hopefully you have others to talk to as well. Personally I think he's being cautious.

@VenusMantrap

I want: A soonish response after reading A kiss in said response Compliments - verbal and in texts

We’ve met. Twice. He’s (in person) said he’s really attracted to me and also that he’s had his confidence knocked through a latterly unhappy marriage, and is surprised that someone as attractive as me is interested in him.

But, he doesn’t reply after reading? Or tell me I looked nice? And he’s still checking tinder when we have our third date planned.

I’m new to OLD so is this normal?

Hi OP, I've done quite a lot of OLD and the three points you list would put me off, to be honest. I don't like speedy replies, am not keen on fulsome compliments, go to bed at 9pm (I am up before 6am and wouldn't expect to text people then). And I see early kisses as ... someone being too keen.

It just shows that we're all different and that there's no right or wrong at all. I'd still be checking into the site after a few dates, and have been slightly alarmed when someone has told me after a couple of dates that they've hidden their profile. If it's going well in person, just relax and run with it.

The only time the 9pm text thing would annoys me would be, if I could see he was online .. say on WhatsApp or whatever and was just not replying to me! It takes too seconds to say, I'm just winding down for bed, will message tomorrow or something like that