Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Friendship has drifted

19 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 21:04

A friendship of mine - I was a (very young) godmother to her daughter, who's now 20-something and off on her own - has fizzled because of me doing all the contacting and now getting fed up of it. It's got to the point where I have stopped, because I think if it was reciprocal, she would keep in touch. Over the last few years it has been me that gets in touch, makes arrangements and I get zero back in real terms. We've historically bought rather generous presents at Christmas and birthdays, but I am thinking this Christmas I won't bother. We used to go to running club several times a week before she had her daughter, then I saw a lot of her after that, and we went to the gym together, and I have been invited for Christmas in the past.

I don't intend to stay in any friendship where I am doing all the running as it makes me feel that I am a nuisance and being tolerated rather than wanted as a friend. I have a really busy life with my job and outside activities plus a small business, and she doesn't work. She's also been extremely paranoid about covid and had a hysterical reaction, but the tardiness in contact started before that. I know she's lost touch with some even more longstanding friends than me, some years ago now.

I'm currently working out what to do. Not even bother with card and present and see if she says anything about it? Buy as normal, and prolong something that's fizzled? Contact her and say I am fed up of the one-sidedness?

Ideas please? Thanks.

OP posts:

LaBellaTrix · 09/12/2021 21:08

I'd just send a card, no presents, generous or otherwise. See if she responds. It sounds like you have outgrown each other, which happens with the best of friends at times.

spotcheck · 09/12/2021 21:09

If she's lost touch with several people, perhaps she is not ok?

Is there perhaps a middle ground between ' generous presents/ spending Christmas together' and ' not going to bother'.

Have you tried talking to her?

Perhaps if she is depressed/ overly anxious, you could cut her some slack rather than terminating her completely. I'm not saying you have to continue to do all the running around, but maybe just, don't cut her off?

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 21:13

@spotcheck

If she's lost touch with several people, perhaps she is not ok?

Is there perhaps a middle ground between ' generous presents/ spending Christmas together' and ' not going to bother'.

Have you tried talking to her?

She's been fine, she's just lost touch with them through not investing in the friendships, I think. She's not had any problems or illnesses. These are several years ago now.

No I haven't tried talking to her, I thought I would sound some people out for ideas first before I did.

I wouldn't have been spending Christmas with her this year as I'm going away with another friend. I've been for Christmas lunch two or three times in the past, when I've been by myself, but that is going back over six years now as I've often been away at Christmas. I said that just to illustrate the sort of friendship we had, not that it was expected this year.

I think she is anxious but not depressed. She was very active in a running club up to the pandemic kicking off.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 09/12/2021 21:39

I think she is anxious but not depressed

Anxiety is the flip side to depression.
If she hasn't 'invested' do you think it could be because she is anxious?
Sometimes people 'stop investing' in relationships because they don't feel very good about themselves

chaosrabbitland · 09/12/2021 21:45

personally i wouldnt do anything , im not clear on why or what it is you think you should do if you want to drop the friendship , just drop it , dont send a card , dont text , dont phone , , you said its fizzled and you have stopped so its really more or less dropped now anyway so me id consider it already done , with no furthur action required

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 21:46

@spotcheck

I think she is anxious but not depressed

I understand what you are saying, but I seriously don't think it is that. I have known her for over 20 years and she's never had anxiety or depression at all or felt negative about herself - the opposite in fact. The only anxiety she has ever shown is over covid. I think friendships drifted because she didn't keep in touch. She does see people she worked with, but they are the ones who instigate. I guess some people are just like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 21:47

@chaosrabbitland

I'm not sure if I want to drop it. What I don't want to do is waste time on a friendship where I'm not wanted or valued.

OP posts:

ZaZathecat · 09/12/2021 21:48

I would just send a card and leave the the next move to her. If it's not forthcoming, so be it.

BobbieT1999 · 09/12/2021 21:52

If you're such good friends I don't see why you wouldn't gently raise it with her?
Her response will tell you everything you need to know.
When my mh has been bad, I've been enormously grateful for the friends that took on the leg work of our day to day friendship until I was able to pick it up again myself. Don't forget how paralysing anxiety can be.

If she's defensive or indifferent then you know exactly where you stand and you let the friendship go without guilt.
If otherwise, then hang on in there.

UnsuitableHat · 09/12/2021 21:53

Well…I think it depends. Do you like her, enjoy her company? If she made as much effort with contact as you do would there be no problem with the friendship?
Not saying you should keep up a one sided friendship, but is it possible that the friendship has somehow settled into that pattern (you making the effort) and she may not have registered that this is a problem?
I’d suggest trying to talk to her if possible rather than just dropping the friendship or not sending a Xmas card.

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 21:56

@BobbieT1999

If you're such good friends I don't see why you wouldn't gently raise it with her? Her response will tell you everything you need to know. When my mh has been bad, I've been enormously grateful for the friends that took on the leg work of our day to day friendship until I was able to pick it up again myself. Don't forget how paralysing anxiety can be.

If she's defensive or indifferent then you know exactly where you stand and you let the friendship go without guilt.
If otherwise, then hang on in there.

I'm not sure we are such good friends any more Bobbie, that's the point. It's drifted and I'm one of those people who really values friends, and makes an effort with them, and most of them are reciprocal and equally balanced. This has been going on with this friend long before any covid anxiety though and she has admitted that she hasn't been as good a friend to me as she could have been. The last time we spoke was about her going to a wedding back in August, when I had been bereaved, and all she talked about were who was and wasn't wearing a mask.

OP posts:

Lilyargin · 09/12/2021 21:57

I could have written your post. My friendship of over 20 years has drifted for the very same reason. I talked to her about it and she made a bit of an effort for a bit...but then it reverted to me making all the effort. So I just stopped. The result is that we haven't spoken for 10 months.
I'm not even sad. I have much better friends who want to see me, and who make plans with me. I really couldn't be arsed explaining it again and looking needy.
Looking back, I realise she was always very self-involved. I sent a birthday card and present, but more so that I don't look churlish rather than because I wanted to treat her (and got some guff on a text about how she wants "to resolve things" and then nothing ) Don't think I'll send a Christmas card, but in your shoes I would as you haven't just had the birthday.
Life's too short to waste on these people!

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 22:00

@UnsuitableHat

Well…I think it depends. Do you like her, enjoy her company? If she made as much effort with contact as you do would there be no problem with the friendship? Not saying you should keep up a one sided friendship, but is it possible that the friendship has somehow settled into that pattern (you making the effort) and she may not have registered that this is a problem? I’d suggest trying to talk to her if possible rather than just dropping the friendship or not sending a Xmas card.

Yes, I do on the whole, I've always liked her and found her interesting. She can be a bit self-centred and materialistic if I had to search for any issues, but we all have quirks don't we? She probably thinks I have some too.

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 09/12/2021 22:03

I think she is one of those "out of sight, out of mind" people. So when you were there, involved in the running group with her, you had a more prominent role in her life. Now that you're not, you don't.

She doesn't DO friendships with depth, she never will. If you can live with that, fine. If you can't, relegate her to an acquaintance you would have a lovely chat with if you happened to be in the same place at the same time. No animosity, just no actual friendship.

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2021 22:08

That's a good point above. As well as her, there's another friend who also expects all the contact to be one way. I've backed off from her - she only seems to be able to maintain friendships with people on Facebook, has a fixation on Dan Walker and waits for everyone to stay in touch with her and never gives back. It's draining constantly worrying what you've done wrong, and knowing you haven't!

Life's too short, when you have friends that DO want to do things together. Sad, though.

OP posts:

SophieKat1982 · 09/12/2021 22:19

I wouldn’t value a long-standing friendship any less if I didn’t receive a Christmas card from the person so in your position, I wouldn’t send either a card or gift this year. Things like that are meaningless in true friendships and she knows where to find you. I might just send some good wishes by message nearer Christmas Day.

ValerieCupcake · 10/12/2021 09:42

@Lilyargin

I could have written your post. My friendship of over 20 years has drifted for the very same reason. I talked to her about it and she made a bit of an effort for a bit...but then it reverted to me making all the effort. So I just stopped. The result is that we haven't spoken for 10 months. I'm not even sad. I have much better friends who want to see me, and who make plans with me. I really couldn't be arsed explaining it again and looking needy. Looking back, I realise she was always very self-involved. I sent a birthday card and present, but more so that I don't look churlish rather than because I wanted to treat her (and got some guff on a text about how she wants "to resolve things" and then nothing

) Don't think I'll send a Christmas card, but in your shoes I would as you haven't just had the birthday. Life's too short to waste on these people!

I was going to say call her and ask, but then I read this. The outcome would probably be the same. I would leave it and then if she gets in touch, tell her why you haven't been.

SunflowerTed · 10/12/2021 12:08

I would just send a card and wait and see what happens. As you get older you become less tolerant and priorities become clearer . It’s time wasted running after people who aren’t worth it x

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/12/2021 14:43

Right, I decided to send her a text. I asked how she was, and as I hadn't heard from her since the summer, asked if everything was OK.

She replied that she's been busy booking a holiday to Gran Canaria and then gave me the story about the restrictions and covid tests etc, asked if I was OK and how my cats were.

So I just filled her in on what I've been doing and said that I hope we can keep in better contact in 2022. She's replied that yes I hope we can get back to normal.

So if she's going on holiday, she's getting over the covid panic. I think anyway!

OP posts:

Flip