Chronically lonely and not sure how to change it

[Invisiblewoman1]

Arghhhh

I will try and make this short.

I am divorced, we were together 14 years from 21, he was my only relationship. I live alone. We tried ivf and it failed. I miss him and think I made a mistake to leave and I miss the companionship of marriage. I moved to live near Family but this means I have very few friends nearby. So many peiple I know have kids and In relationships. Spending time with them hurts. They ultimately cannot help talking about their families which highlights how lonely I am.
I joined a book group but too nervous to go.
I joined bumble friends but no spark with Anyone.
Online dating is a mess - met one guy I’d like to date out of maybe 50. He is using me as a therapist to talk about how he’s not over his ex - so I’ve just deleted his number.
I’m desperate to be a mother. And until I do I want to have some fun with people who don’t have to meet after bedtime routine, talk about their children constantly or just ask me to babysit/puppy sit whenever they call.

I am also working from home so thinking about changing jobs as I need some interaction!!!

What can I do??

Firstly, believe things can change, because they can - you have to take action, and also make sure you have enough support to do that.

A few questions/thoughts -
If you have friends in another part of the country, would it make sense to move back there, so you have at least a skeleton social life to build on?

Changing jobs also sounds like a good idea - so make that a project right now.

You want a partner but it sounds like you also need some friends, this takes time, so what are you interested in? - you are more likely to stick to activities that you enjoy and slowly make friends.

Why are you too shy to go to a book group?! that wouldn't usually be seen as an intimidating space..

I am sorry to say it, but you have to keep going on the dating - is there another site you can try? Would moving back near your friends but you in an area with a bigger pool of people?

All of this change is tough of course, and it sounds like there is some shyness or confidence you should work on - it might be worth thinking of someone like a life coach to get you going - in which case look up people with good reviews and talk to at least 3 to see where you click. Most work online so they can be based anywhere.

I'm sorry you're in this position Op.

Do you mind me asking a couple of questions about IVF?
Was the problem on your or his side? If it was male infertility, would you be prepared to explore IVF alone with a sperm donor?
If the issue was on your side, have you considered donor eggs? Apologies, if this is something that you've already decided isn't for you.

I'm a single mother by choice and I did IVF (I was successful) so understand where you're coming from.

Do you really miss him or do you miss having some kind, or any kind of relationship? Or just being in a state where you're not under dating pressure?

Thanks. A life coach might be a good idea. I have considered using a donor and trying ivf alone. I might get myself in the position to do it next year.
I think job would be a good change as gets me out the house.
I really should go to the book club. I also thought about learning a language at the adult college.
I miss him and I miss being in a relationship. He’s like family to me still and when we meet up it just reminds me of the good bits. But easy to focus on them and forget the bad bits

Some good things to do where you meet people are:
a walking group- they often go out on whole day walks and there are always a good number of people who go by themselves and get chatting
a sports club like badminton or tennis
I volunteer at a local cultural place and we often have music nights or exhibitions or local guided walks or a local photography group- lots of people come along alone of all ages from 18-about 70. I have got to know lots of local people that I would never have met and made two good friends who share the same sort of interests as me. Most communities have local events.
What about community groups- near us a group of people go out and do things to look after the beaches and the wildlife- does that kind of thing interest you?
Go to your book club - you won't be nervous after the first meeting. You might find it isn't the group for you but there'll be others.