Please help. Abusive relationship. So confused

[Loopylou6]

Why do I just want a hug from my dickhead husband, he's an abusive twatty person who chooses alcohol over me and the ( grown up children ) he now has a good job with good pay and he enjoys it, but he still feels the need to go on benders. He's only just past couple of weeks been allowed home after a month because he had a DVPO put on him.
He's been pissed again all through the day for the past few days, couldn't get himself off the floor last night, I videoed it and showed him this morning, but he denied he'd even been drinking. He's pissed again today and has been in bed since 3 30 pm. However, he says I'm a lazy bitch because I don't work and he provides every thing for me. He told me earlier that he 'married the wrong bitch' . Why does it hurt so bad? Yes we've been together since kids (25 years) I just want a hug from him? I think I'm crazy

Because your self esteem and confidence is zero.

Because you are a fixer or empathic and he’s a narc?

The list could go on - for me it was parental
Abuse by narcissistic parents that ruined my self esteem
At the age is 50
I have self esteem
And counselling and it’s working

The only action you can take is start loving yourself and get out and get yourself counselling and the life you need and deserve

He's deffo done a number on me. I feel like I've been manipulated and moulded to accept his behaviour

I'm glad you're finding yourself again x

What IAAP wrote here. You are also codependent in this relationship along with being his enabler.

Did you see a similar dysfunctional dynamic as a child?. How did you and he come to be together?.

He will never give you what you need and even now you have a choice re this man. The ball is very much in your court because he won’t change. He is an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, not you. He won’t change, you can only change how you react to him.

You have indeed been manipulated and or otherwise primed into accepting this from him. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and if for instance your home life at that time happened to be not great it would have given him a further “ in “ to target you. Make no mistake here, you were targeted by him.

My exh preferred drink to a family. One day I reported him for drink driving and filed for divorce..
He used to piss in my wardrobe and smash up our stuff. Ds 30 still has therapy now and again.. Left when ds was 7...not soon enough..

@attilathemeerkat. No never, my parents are amazing and love each other very much. We met through a friend aged 14.
You say enabler, I can see that as I'm currently sat here worrying that he's had no tea, and it makes him ill if he doesn't eat. But he'll blame me for 'not feeding him'
How can he go from being really happy, enjoying his job to suddenly staying off and plying himself with wine from early morning?

Because he can.

You have a choice re this man. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your days?. Your adult children must have gone through a hell of a lot, what is your relationship like with them now?.

Gosh santa, that's truly awful. I've lost my 17 year old dd because she lost respect for me putting up with it :(
Attila, seeing your words helps me not to feel as much of a freak. He's all I've ever known, I went from my parents arms, straight to his

My exh used to make me ring his work most Mondays as he was too ill to go to work. Not sure how he kept his job so long. Even when he lost his licence for 2 years they kept him on.
Glad when it was all over.

I'm very close with my 22 year old ds who lives with us, he hates his dad and won't speak to him. My dd 17 won't speak to me at all

All you’ve ever known with him is alcoholism and abuse at his hands.

Do not lose your relationship with your other adult children because of your abusive drunkard.

You could in all likelihood lose your relationship with your son if he like his sister, sees you as putting their dad before them and your own self.

One day and sooner rather than later he will leave home and he may not want to see you either. What then for you?.

I'm trying to get into a refuge, but it's just so scary, when he's nice, it's great, but I'm always worried he's gonna binge again. I feel like a fool

He's already looking for somewhere because his hatred if his dad. And I've allowed this to happen haven't I:(

When he is nice, he is really showing you the nice part if the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

You need to get off the merry go around here. Who is helping you get into a refuge?. Are you in contact with Women’s Aid and or your local domestic violence support services?

I've had a family intervention worker helping me and I've spoken to women's aid this afternoon. Unfortunately there's no space today, but I've been told to ring back after 11am tomorrow

Plus I have all the paper work from the DVPO

Why should you leave with your children?

They still need somewhere to live even at 17&22.

Boot your husband out.

You and your kids don't need him.

Hi OP sorry to hear this.

Do you actually need to go to a refuge? Not saying you shouldn’t by any means but are there friends or family (who you should reach out to, if you feel able)?

You’ve got to think of your children, even if they aren’t very young, which I’m sure you know. Is there somewhere you can go together?

Get legal advice?
Do you have access to funds?

Hi guys.
No I don't have anywhere else. My parents are amazing and eager to help, but I couldn't stay there long, it's not fair to them.
There's a couple of grand in the bank, although it's his compo money.
I think i can get 30 min of free legal advice

OP,

Your children have been terribly damaged by your choices, which you now realise.

You need to get this awful man out of the home and try and rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

Things must be very bad for her to refuse to speak to you.

Can you get him out?
Can the house be sold?

You need to take some money for legal advice and move on this.

Your children deserve better than this.