success stories please...

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi girls

Maybe I need to put this is step-parenting as well....

Perhaps its the time of year...or the fact that its all still so raw for me, and I'm running ahead of myself....but I'd love a little light at the end of the tunnel please.

Have any of you had a child by someone else a long time ago, and gone on to be married to someone else, have more children, and the whole thing has worked out fabulously?
By fabulous I mean:

• no bitterness regarding access with ex etc

• your child doesnt resent your new dp/dh

• your child doesnt feel 'different' from his siblings with your new dh

• your new dh doesnt treat your child any differently from the ones he has with you.

• your child hasn't 'favoured' your ex over you, even though you did all the hard work ( sorry, v.churlish I know!)

you child is wonderfully well balanced and not at all affected by his parental situation.

• the pain of the breakup is a mere distant memory to you now and you feel completely indifferent to the situation.

Make me happy

I am in this situation, have a teen from a previous relationship, am now remarried with a reception aged child and we struggle along quite well most of the time.
There are niggles, I wouldn't say that he resents my dh (his sd) but, we have had in the past, the usual, you are not my real father. As he's got older though that has gone away, and I think he realises now that his own father is just not that interested in him, although he does see him infrequently.
My ex and I have been divorced for 10 years and seperated for the best part of 12 and there is no bitterness about the relationship but I would be lying if I said that I feel indifferent about the cavaliar way he has treated ds.
Ds is reasonably well balanced though, suprisingly and although he and my now dh have the odd tussle, I think this is more to do with his hormones and dh's insecurities a bout no longer being the only man in the house.

I'm in a similar situation (recently split from H) so would like to hear success stories too...

But on a positive note - my parents separated and divorced when I was very young. They both went on to re-marry and have more children. So here's my two pence worth....

-I loved my step dad. And my (half) brothers and sisters were the best thing that ever happened to me (hated being an only child).

-I was never jealous or resentful. I have an amazing relationship with my brothers and sisters.

-I love my step dad for treating me like his own and always being there for me.

-My mum was an absolutely wonderful wonderful mum who went out of her way to let me see my dad (even when know at times, e.g. christmas, it killed her as she was alone). She always sent me off with a happy smile and bags of presents for my dad and his family. I admire her strength so much.

-I love my dad's family and finally do have a good relationship with my dad (resented him for leaving my mum for a while).
But I also acknowledge my dad's faults, and realise that it was my mum's strength and love for me that enabled me to have this relationship with him. I feel my dad should be greatful of how supportive my mum was in the face of what he did to her.

-I am so grateful for my mum putting me above everything else, that and I hope I can learn from it when it comes to ds's relationship with his dad.

• I must add that whilst I love spending time with my dad, my mum is my world. I hope she knows that. (Should tell her more often!)

-I am well balanced (mostly! ). Have a beautiful child, great career and fantastic friends. (Shame my H turned out to be an arse!)

As for the pain of the breakup. Well the pain of my own breakup is very raw. But when I talk to my mum over what happened to her, she says she'll never forget, but she has come to terms with it and it doesn't hurt anymore. Mum&step-dad, and Dad&step-mum all get on very well and even send each other birthday/christmas cards etc!

They go out of their way to make sure all of us children are treated the same and above all, we know we're loved.

Out of what could have been a very messed up life - there has blossomed a lovely, amazing, supportive and loving family. So it can work out well

Baffy what a lovely post - my personal experience as the child of divorced parents is less uplifting so won't share it but so nice to know it can turn out well...and look how well you have turned out...if my DD ends up like you I will be VERY proud and pleased...

thanks macd

Hi Pingu
I have quite a success story...

I divorced XH in 2001, we had a 2 year old DS. Just over a year later I met now DH, he had a DS exactly the same age as my DS1. We went on to get married and now we have DS2 together.

My XH and DH get on fabulously. They had never met before but now they chat and discuss the kids and we even go to DS1's school plays and sit altogether quite happily. There are no problems with access, XH has him one night a week and for tea/trips out whenever he wants, CSA aren't involved, we sort it out together. Christmas's can be a bit hard because we both want him but we have agreed that while he is still young he will stay with me Christmas day and his dad christmas evening and boxing day.

With regards DH's DS1, his mum is a little harder to get on with but now we just text her and DS1 is old enough to relay messages etc so no probs there either anymore. Every now and again she'll stop him coming to something (like my DS's parties, even our wedding), but we smile and grin and bear it and she soon gets over it!

The only problem we have is with DH's DM favouring DSS as she feels sorry for him as his parents aren't together. She is happy to look after him, have him for tea every week etc, but has only had my DS2 2 or 3 times in nearly 4 years. I try to ignore this now as my parents more than make up for it and he certainly isn't lacking any love!

Good luck, it just takes everyone to be big about it and remember to put the little ones first.

oh and after reading your OP again, a few more things......

I don't resent the break up at all. We get on much better now we're not together, I'm happier and in turn DS1 is happier. He loves his step-dad. I can't say he treats him exactly as if he's his own, he feels awkward telling him off and would never shout at him, but he tells me to if he catches him doing something! This is something I feel we need to work on.

I think my DS is affected as least as is possible. His teachers were amazed when I introduced my DH as his 'step-father' at parents evening, they said they can usually tell children whose parents have split but said that my son is confident, well-rounded and happy

Once again, I would just urge anyone in a similar situation to be big about it, just think of the children and bite your tongue when you need to!

Thankyou so much for the replies...baffy and emma- yours in particular were inspiring. I am only a few months into the split, so its all very new to me- and I'm afraid that exdp isn't being as concillatory as I might have hoped, despite being the perpetrator of the situation.

Take this weekend for example. His family (who live miles away) came to see the baby and bring xmas presents. I let them have the baby (who is teeny btw, only 6months) overnigt for 2 nights and also invited them round to my house. I put on mince pies, xmas music and sent them away with a bag of pressies 'from the baby' for all of them.
Despite this, he still talks to me like crap, keeps every line of communication on a 'need to know basis only', and has insisted that all of the presents that his family brought for her, are to remain at his house, to be opened by him, even though she lives with me.

I guess you can only have a relationship like the ones you're talking about, if both parties are willing. Wish I could work out why the hell he isn't a bit more humble about the situation he has put us in.

Hmm if he is the perpertrator then my guess is his guilt makes him try and reflect it onto you - we have been there done that...things are improving somewhat with H - my answe is it takes time and I would say years rather than months ...I am desperately hoping that H and I will one day have a good relationship for our DC as parents but also be kind to each other

Time is a great healer, my ex may not bother much with ds but his parents are wonderful. And relations were frosty to say the least for a while after.
I should add that I am on speaking terms with ex, although I prefer his dw as she at least tries to make an effort with ds. Of course now that ds is a teen, I don't really see much of him as ds makes his own arrangements with him.

And I agree, no matter how much of a dickhead the ex is being, do not badmouth him in front of the dcs. However bad the temptation. And you probably will be tempted, my tongue is shredded to pieces.

Pingu - it has taken a while to get here, believe me. Things are bound to be quite hard at first. It was better for me because me and XH split up for no bad reason, we just fell out of love in a husband/wife way. We had been together since the age of 16 and grew up and grew apart. We had DS1 7 years later but there was nothing left between us. It was a mutual agreement that we split.

I have seen the other side of it from what DH and his XP were like with each other. For the first couple of years they truly hated each other, every comment was snide, but now they are just civil when they have to be and just communicate through text the rest of the time. Sadly, she still thinks that my DH has no 'rights' over seeing his son, even though he is the best father ever. Luckily it is very rare that she stops us seeing him now, I think she has given up because we never gave in to her nasty ways and always were polite to her even when she was being horrid.

Bare with it, give it time, you will be fine

thankyou

I suppose they willget better- its just that he seems to 'need' a reason to hate me at the moment. There was a 3rd party- and I'm bitter about that also. I wonder how the hell she has closed her eyes and ears to the fact that he walked out on a newborn baby (although he is making a rather zealous attempt to be a good dad since the split, which is in order to impress the ow imo). She has a young child herself and is a v.intelligent woman. Im just surrised she is ok with it.

Do you think that people who get together under dubious circumstances can ever truly work out? been torturing myself with this alot...

Baffy - your mother sounds like an inspiration. I don't think I would be able to be so strong and charitable towards an ex who leaves even if I hope I would be.
I am a divorce lawyer and it is rare for people to deal with things as maturely as your mother - what a star - and look how it has benefitted you.

Pingu - no I don't think people who get together under dubious circumstances ever stay together.

I have lots of friends who have cheated to get with the person they wanted to be with, lots of hearts broken, children dragged from home to home...none of them have worked out over more than 5 years........

I think once you've been the OW, you can never really trust that person as you know what they are capable of and are constantly checking up on them. It drives you apart eventually.

Don't tortue yourself I did it did me no good and probably prolonged the nightmare (I was determined she would not win and did myself a lot of harm in the long run)....hold your head up high and know that YOU are better without him , how could she ever trust him (and it is likely he will do the same to her)...and know that you ARE better without him either alone or with someone new ....

thanks layla

and pingu - I tend to agree with Emma - people who get together under these circumstances have a relationship which is fundamentally built on lies. There is no strong foundation to start with. They begin with the lies and then try to build up trust. Which, imo, very rarely leads to long term happiness.

My dad left my mum and had a child with his OW. He gave everything up for that OW. They lasted less than a year. He then walked away from me and his other child. Due to the lies and deceit he couldn't be with either woman.

My dad then met my step mum, and they began a relationship in the right way, both as single people, and based on love and trust. They had 2 children. They've now been together 18 years.

So I really don't think it will last. Although I bet they would never let you know just how difficult it is for them!

I completely understand why you torture yourself with it, I do the same too.

Just hoping time heals as much as people say it does. And I think it will.

In answer to the OP - yes, mine is a success story but it certainly didn't happen overnight and has caused a lot of heart ache. I have 2 children (DS1 and DD) with ex-DH, who I split with when they were 7 and 5. They're now 20 and 18, and I have DS2 and 3 with new-DH. New-DH and ex-Dh go to the football together most weekends (with DS2), ex-Dh is one of my closest friends and comes round for a glass of wine or so most weeks. We speak most days. He will be the younger boys' guardian should anything happen to us.

We had shared custody of the older kids from the start, which was hard but worth it. DD was very jealous of DS2 at first (she was 9 when he arrived), and certainly resented new-DP for the first few years, and there have been lots of tears and tantrums along the way, but it has all come good. I wouldn't call any of the kids wonderfully well-balanced but then again - is anyone? I'm certainly not! Good luck - hang in there.

Thankyou all for your replies. They've helped alot.

xxx

Here, (wave hand enthusiastically in air)

DH has taken on Ds1 and DS1 and we have DS2 between us. Absolutely no problems at all. They all love him. (More than they love me sometimes, I can be an ogre). BUT I have had no contact/support from their father at all, no maintenance ( seperated before the CSA was up and running properly). So no playing of dad of against step-dad.