Recently-surfaced half-sibling - feeling pressured into relationship

[HeylandWhittle]

Sorry for long post. My two sisters and I (all in our sixties) have known for about 20 years that our dear mum, who died last year and to whom we were all very close, gave birth to a baby boy when unmarried in her late teens. He was subsequently adopted.

I never spoke to Mum about it, but my two sisters did, albeit briefly as Mum apparently was adamant she didn't want to pursue the topic. She never made any attempt to contact him, and he didn't attempt to contact her or any other family member during her lifetime. When Mum died, he did make contact (aged 68 at this point) via my younger sister. According to my sister's reports from her subsequent conversations/meetings with him, he had a very happy upbringing with his adoptive parents, has had a successful career from which he recently retired and has been in a stable relationship for many years.

So that's the background - the thing that is now making me very uncomfortable is that my sister and my niece who are both very enthusiastic about embracing him into the wider family fold (my other sister currently want nothing to do with him), are pressuring me to strike up a close relationship with him. "It's what Mum would have wanted" "You'd really like him" "We owe it to her" "He really wants to get to know his genetic half-siblings and their families" etc. I've got nothing against the guy, I've spoken to him on phone, we've exchanged polite emails, I've sent him some photos of Mum when she was younger as I thought he'd like to see them, and I'm happy enough to bump into him at some event like a wedding in the future should my sister or niece want to invite him..... but I feel no automatic connection to this person just because he is genetically related to me and have no desire for him to become a regular part of my life. I've made it clear to him that I bear him no ill-will, which I absolutely don't, but he and my sister and my niece keep trying to persuade me to meet up with him. I don't know at what point I become insistent and tell them to butt out? I just feel I'm being pressured into it. I'm not ruling out a future meeting, but if that's what I decide, I'd like the invitation to come from me on my own terms. I feel I've stated my case to those involved gently and without being unfriendly or judgemental in any way. Am I being totally unreasonable or do I just need to lay down the law and tell them stop hassling me??

YANBU.

DH’s family had a similar situation with 3 half siblings. It all become very complicated and, whilst one half sibling is nice enough, one is very bitter & a bit of a drinker. The other was NC with their own siblings.

One of DH siblings has point blank refused to meet any of them and said ‘I want nothing to do with them’. It’s been a few years now &, thankfully, we are down to just occasional emails & Christmas cards with one of them, the non drinker.

It’s really unfair of them to pressure you with the emotional blackmail of ‘you owe it to her’. Plus it can’t be what she would have wanted or she would have tried to contact him herself when she was alive and get you all together. I would be tempted to set them straight sooner rather than later tbh. If it drags on & on there is a risk of emotions running away with them and the possibility of falling out over it. Tell them now so they can put persuading you out of their mind.

It's off that your mum had no desire to meet him and refused to discuss the matter, but your sister seems to think it's what mum would have wanted? Clearly it isn't and I wonder if your sister has rose tinted specs on?

I have a long lost brother and sister and one wants contact the other doesn't. I'd say 'no thank you and please don't raise it again'. And then just refuse to discuss again.

It is none of their business if you don't want to, you don't have to.

@Calamitydrayne

It's off that your mum had no desire to meet him and refused to discuss the matter, but your sister seems to think it's what mum would have wanted? Clearly it isn't and I wonder if your sister has rose tinted specs on?

This. Of course you don't have to meet him op, he's a stranger to you. Tell your sister to back off.

do I just need to lay down the law and tell them stop hassling me?

Yes, absolutely.

It doesn't matter what their reasons are for wanting you to have a relationship with him - they don't get to manipulate you into being part of the big happy family fantasy they've promised him without your consent.

They have no right to guilt-trip you into having a relationship on their terms - they need to understand that you're a separate human being with your own wants, needs and desires, and not simply a prop in their lives.

They might want you to be a part of this wider happy family they're now trying to cultivate, but they way they're going about persuading you to be involved is shitty and manipulative.

I've been in exactly this situation. I initially went along with the 'ooh, we're all family' narrative (mostly driven by our shared parent) but have now over the course of several years just distanced myself by not responding or getting involved in anything half sibling related.

As there was a meet up very early on, I do still see them occasionally when they're visiting our parent, there isn't a big thing about meeting for the first time anymore, so I can be much more low-key about it than was possible at first.

They're a perfectly nice person, but we have very little in common, and I really don't see them, emotionally, as a sibling. I relate to this so much I feel no automatic connection to this person just because he is genetically related to me and have no desire for him to become a regular part of my life but people seem to think if I'm not jumping for joy I must be stabbing an effigy with a pin, there doesn't seem to be any concept of a disinterested middle ground.

You have my sympathy OP, it sucks when people won't just let you develop a relationship (or not!) at your own pace without constant harassing to do things how they think you should.

Obviously you shouldn't be pressured into a relationship with this man, that is completely up to you.
But I your reaction and certainly that of your other sister who is adamant she wants nothing to do with him is the complete opposite to how I would feel.
I just wondered if you could explain a bit more about the way you feel. Please don't think I am being goady, I am genuinely interested.

I don't think YABU but my temptation here is to unpick it a lot. In what way is your sister pressuring you? You say you feel pressured but in what aspect does this take place? Are you expected to meet regularly? spend Christmas with him?

Or do you feel pressured because the situation is overwhelming?

I think the pace you are developing your relationship with him sounds perfect (telephone, old photos) and you just need good boundaries with your sister:

e.g. say "that's great you're meeting up with him, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time, I'll make my own arrangements to contact him if I decide to."

And repeat.

You post to me reads like a problem with your younger sister and saying no to her rather than being about the situation per se. But it's hard to tell without specific examples.

Whilst it is your choice whether you have relationship with this brother, people are wrong to say your mother did not have any interest in him.
Noone knows how she felt, but It is extremely difficult for birth mothers to search for their adopted children. It is the adopted people who can search more easily. Most older women were both told not to talk about it and also found it very difficult to talk as it brought up bad memories. The majority, however, would be very happy for their adopted child to contact them.

I've been in a similar situation - a long-lost sister.

However, I instantly felt a connection to her. I asked her if she was my sister before she told me when we got to know each other. It's like I just knew and felt a warmth, which was lovely and we meet up and speak and I very much consider her like my other sisters.

I know this isn't the case for everyone. But, if a long lost sibling, aunt, uncle, child (think child would be very different though) turned up at my door or was brave enough to approach me, I would at least try. I would see it as another opportunity for a good relationship. I'm also aware that a lot of people in the situation my sister found herself in have problems with rejection, and I wouldn't have rejected her further, after her building up the courage to speak to me after so many years of knowing of me.

In saying all this, if you don't feel that connection, and don't want to pursue it, you don't have to. You don't owe him anything so yanbu - but if I was in your shoes, I would give it a go because I guess only good can come of it, especially if he is nice enough

I had the same situation 20 years ago, my (now deceased) father had a child at 17 with a woman (also now deceased) and I had a half brother and children.
He had an absolutely awful life and really made the best of it and I've managed to help his children.
Our relationship has enriched ours and his lives - I wouldn't write it off.

I should imagine it's difficult for OP to even start to consider how she actually feels herself with all the external pressure coming from her wider family.

IME, when you're putting so much energy into resisting being forced into relationships before you feel ready (or in ways that your don't feel comfortable with), it's almost impossible to actually consider how you feel in yourself about the actual relationship being interfered with.

I would tell them that you need some space to process it all, OP, and that they are preventing you from doing that by forcing the issue and making it all about what they think you should think.

I feel you are perfectly within your rights to not want to get involved with this half brother.

Your sister should mind her own business. If she wants to embrace him then fine but she certainly shouldn't push her feelings onto others.

And what balderdash about it being what your mother would have wanted! She obviously didn't otherwise she would have spoken about him more and tried to contact him!

Do not be bullied!

In that sort of situation it works much better if everyone is very respectful of everyone else’s feelings and viewpoints, and proceeds slowly. I guess it’s harder when there’s the perceived pressure of “it would have been Mum’s dying wish” or whatever.

I wrote about DH finding out he had some younger half siblings recently. ( he was the result of a holiday romance and his birth father didn't know about him.) He was brought up by his mother alone and has a great life, family and retired from a successful career.
When he wrote to his half sister, she kindly wrote back rather than leave him wondering, but made it clear that she didn't want to take it any further.
DH was philosophical about it, as he wasn't sure that he wanted a sibling relationship, after years of being an only child, but what he really wanted most and didn't get, was some info about what his father was like, and maybe a photo.

YANBU at all.

And I say that as someone who is adopted!

Don't be bullied or coerced into something you don't want to do.

Remind your sisters that your mum wouldn't have wanted you to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed and ask them to respect that.

YANBU.

" "It's what Mum would have wanted" "You'd really like him" "We owe it to her" "He really wants to get to know his genetic half-siblings and their families" "

Well clearly it's NOT what Mum would have wanted! If she "apparently was adamant she didn't want to pursue the topic" I really, really fail to see how your sister can twist that into what she has.

I'd be having stern words with my sister next time she raised the matter with me. (And at least two of those stern words would be 'piss off'.)

I understand that you can’t force the relationship. When siblings don’t grow up together - there isn’t an automatic connection.
But I do wonder why you and your sister don’t want to even meet him.
And I do agree with the sister that thinks your mom would have liked you to at least meet.
She had to make a difficult decision back in the day. And for her - staying away was rooted in pain and guilt. Meeting him would have been deeply upsetting to her.
But you don’t have those reasons. And I am sure your mother didn’t want him to be in the situation of being rejected twice - first by her, then by his only other blood relations.

As i said - close relationships can’t be forced. But you are in control of what sort of relationship you may potentially have.
Shunning him is a cruel, in my opinion

I don't think your being unreasonable and I respect your decision to have minimal contact. That must always be your choice and to be honest from the outset is the kindest thing to do. You shouldn't be pressurised or influenced in your decision.
Having been the child put in to care whilst my two older and one younger siblings were kept I contacted all of them in my 30's and genuinely hoped that we might have been able to forge some form of a relationship. They have been tepid and inconsistent to say the least and I wish perhaps they had been more honest and transparent from the beginning as you have.

I think you're being harsh. Poor guy. He IS your brother (half), I'd feel upset if I were him.

Why don't you want to get to know him? He could be lovely.

Not quite the same, but I discovered a half-cousin a few years ago (though she's pretty much a generation older than me) and I'm so glad to have met her. What have you got to lose?

I was contacted on Facebook a few years ago by a distant 4th cousin once removed. Turns out they were the illegitimate child of a relative of mine. This opened a can of worms and was in the end upsetting for my Mum who learned information about her great grandparents that she would have wished not to know.. I never responded to them and truthfully wish they had never found me nor got in touch. I was naive to mention it to my Mum, not having truly understood what it meant.. Shared genetics does not equate to family..

This guy is in his late 60s and has his own family and life, it's not like he really needs the relationship with OP, as long as she is not unfriendly if she does meet him at a party or if he emailed a question or whatever he will probably be fine with that. I think it's fine to treat him like a distant cousin.

I discovered a half-cousin a few years ago (though she's pretty much a generation older than me) and I'm so glad to have met her

That sounds great. But if you had been pressured into the relationship with her by other family members, do you think you would have been as enthusiastic about getting to know her?

A relationship formed under duress is likely to foster resentment as opposed to fulfilment.

I think you're being harsh. Poor guy. He IS your brother (half), I'd feel upset if I were him.

Why don't you want to get to know him? He could be lovely.

Why is it on OP to make this man feel better? She is a person too - why is OP under any obligation to behave in the way he (or others) want because he wants a relationship with her?

There's no other circumstance in which a stranger wanting a relationship with you should override your own ability to decline such a relationship - why should OP be guilted into a relationship she doesn't want just because one of her relatives had another baby before she was born?

OP has no obligation to do or be anything to this person, and has every right to set her own boundaries.

the thing that is now making me very uncomfortable is that my sister and my niece who are both very enthusiastic about embracing him into the wider family fold (my other sister currently want nothing to do with him), are pressuring me to strike up a close relationship with him....... I've got nothing against the guy, I've spoken to him on phone, we've exchanged polite emails, I've sent him some photos of Mum when she was younger as I thought he'd like to see them, and I'm happy enough to bump into him at some event like a wedding in the future should my sister or niece want to invite him..... but I feel no automatic connection to this person just because he is genetically related to me and have no desire for him to become a regular part of my life. I've made it clear to him that I bear him no ill-will, which I absolutely don't, but he and my sister and my niece keep trying to persuade me to meet up with him.......I'm not ruling out a future meeting, but if that's what I decide, I'd like the invitation to come from me on my own terms

You've expressed yourself very well in your OP, could you adapt the bits above ^ into an email to your sister (and niece) to perhaps help them understand? I know you say you've explained but this would make it you feel pressured and want some control. You could also add that you do not believe it is what your mother would have wanted but even if it is, it is not what you want and it is your decision to make based on what is best for you. If they try guilt tripping you again just be firm and say "I've been clear how I feel and your insistence on ignoring my wishes is hurtful and disrespectful" then refuse to discuss it any more.

I've had a similar experience. From a young age you and your sisters formed a bond. You and your half brother never got a chance to have that bond so it's non existent and you never formed a sibling relationship. I understand you don't feel close to this man but if you wished to pursue a relationship with him that bond could form over time?