What makes a friend toxic?

[User17273637373]

Not really a relationship question, but wasn’t too sure where else to put this one!

If a friend made you nervous and you trod on eggshells around her so you didn’t upset her, would you say that it could be because she is a toxic person?

I can’t give too much away as I think she’s on here.

Yes, definitely. Difficult people cause uneasiness because of their reactivity to perfectly reasonable boundaries ie they kick off, sulk etc if you don't as they want. It's a form of control. Reasonable people negotiate and respects your rights to say no, disagree basically be you.

It might be her, it might be you. Can’t really tell from what you’ve said.

Either way, why are you friends?

What do you mean by treading on eggshells? Do you give in and do things she prefers as you've learned anything you'll suggest will be shot down? Are you afraid to air an opinion or make a suggestion?

I've felt for a while one of my friendships was becoming toxic. After recently been made sit outside a pub for drinks at night in the cold and ridiculed for been stiff from joint issues I've had enough.

Depends is she easily upset? Has she ever had a go at you? Or is it more how you feel?

I can’t give too much away as I think she’s on here

Well, you can’t really go into too much detail then (I’m like that generally about being recognised on here, whereas other people care less).

There’s no simply answer I think, though Daquoise gets close. If your friend makes you nervous/ eggshells that sounds actually unpleasant. We’re meant to be able to relax with our friends …

One measurement I read that is meant to be telling is how you feel after seeing them usually. If it’s depressed, angry, anxious - probably it’s not a good fit as a friendship at the very least.

My other personal cues are whether you feel you have to “defend” yourself, bat away their criticism that comes from not bothering to try to understand you, aggression and rudeness (!) and not seeming to care.

I can’t tell if it’s me really. Maybe I just need to toughen up! I’ve always been a bit timid, lacked in self esteem. Always sort of accepted that some people in life (not just her) make me feel a bit nervous. We’ve been friends for years, so just sort of accepted it.

She doesn’t ALWAYS make me nervous. It’s when things don’t go her way that she kicks off and will have a go. I’m starting to realise she’s just more hard work than any of my other friends.

It’s all come to a head recently for me as I’m her maid of honour. It’s been a bit of a nightmare as she’s demanded a hen party abroad (meant to be going in early March). I’m too nervous to tell her that we might not be able to go because of testing costs, people dropping out due to covid concerns. Nobody in the group wants to book flights or move ahead with the planning, which is understandable. I know she’ll expect me/everyone else to just fork out the 100’s extra for it all and throw a strop if not. It’s giving me crippling anxiety (I know that sounds extreme and ridiculous really!).

I’m just starting to see that maybe she’s not the person I thought she was and I should be able to speak to her about my concerns without her being nasty.

I’m getting nothing but anxiety out of this friendship. But because I do have low self esteem and anxiety, finding it hard to walk away - especially as maid of honour

You said when things don't go her way she kicks off, that's the way toddlers behave because they don't have the emotional maturity to handle their emotions better when stressed. Sounds like this person is the same. She hasn't found more mature ways to deal with disappointment and frustration. Also been getting away with the tantrums to control others around her.

Unfortunately if you feel unable to stand up to her this won't go away. Are you and the others in the group able to get together to discuss this with her? Calm discussion to point out all of your concerns and is she willing to find an alternative? You need the back up of the others if it's going to be a difficult conversation. Also decide what you are going to do if she does kick off ie get up and leave. Personally I would be thinking about whether you want this person in your life anymore. Life is so much calmer without the amateur dramatics. You don't deserve to be her emotional punchbag. Protect yourself.

I think someone who colours your memories and feelings about things in a negative way and who makes you feel rubbish about yourself. For me I realised a relationship wasn’t healthy for me when the person said their memory of me a few years earlier was that my children were always crying. It wasn’t true and many many people have expressed how happy our home was but it hurt. It hurt that she wanted me to feel the children were unusually tearful. . I suddenly realised she was always doing it one way or another. A rewriting of my life to frame it as sad/lonely/disorganised. It hurt enormously to stop but I couldn’t keep receiving it and be happy.