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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mentally unwell daughter, how to cope

25 replies

Alleui · 09/12/2021 17:00

My 35 year old daughter is suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, diagnosed. She’s horrible to me most of the time, recently gone through an awful divorce and has temporarily moved back with us. I’m being called a bitch if I say the wrong thing and she will spiral into a frenzy if she thinks we are talking about her. She seems paranoid .

I’m doing what I can to help her, cooking and helping her look for somewhere new and chatting with her . But if I spend an hour talking to her dad in another room she will say I don’t care and I’ve left her alone. Often says she wants to die and we don’t care about her.

I always seem to be saying the wrong thing… I asked if she wanted to watch tv with us which was a drama where someone is divorced and the theme is centred on that. She of course went mad saying I was trying to hurt her by suggesting these things, in hindsight it was a silly drama to have suggested.

Anyone got any tips on how to cope?

OP posts:
TowandaForever · 09/12/2021 17:02

You don't sound like you are doing anything wrong.

Your daughter sounds over sensitive and very demanding.

You can support her but not fix her op.

Original poster
Alleui · 09/12/2021 17:03

She is extremely sensitive and possibly paranoid. I assumed that was part of the anxiety though

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 17:04

I'm so sorry that your family's going through this. Flowers

What sort of help is she currently receiving? Is she on medication?

Original poster
Alleui · 09/12/2021 17:07

@Cameleongirl yes anti depressants

I’m finding the paranoid questioning hardest. She thinks I’ve talked about her divorce or about her. Some days better than others

OP posts:
JanetandJohn500 · 09/12/2021 17:42

Paranoia to this extent can be an early warning sign of a psychotic episode. Can you get her to go back to her GP or seek support from community mental health?

Funnylittlefloozie · 09/12/2021 17:46

Does she smoke weed? I'm sorry she is ill, but maybe its time she starts looking for somewhere else to live, 8f being with is exacerbating her paranoia.

Cyberworrier · 09/12/2021 17:59

Is she open to the idea of talking therapy? Is that something you could support her in accessing, setting up and paying for privately? It sounds very stressful and difficult for you. I would let the GP know your concerns confidentially.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 18:04

I agree with going back to the GP and seeking community mental health support. If she won’t go to the doctor’s, go yourself and explain how hard it is to cope with her behavior so you can get some advice on what’s available.

You and your DH had be a right to feel comfortable in your own home and not be spoken to like that. I know you lover her, but at 35, she has to take responsibility for herself.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 18:05

*love

Original poster
Alleui · 09/12/2021 18:05

@JanetandJohn500 that has worried me. The paranoia has got worse , can’t do anything without being questioned

@Cyberworrier if I went to the gp confidentiality she would go mad if she found out . She does therapy

@Funnylittlefloozie no she doesn’t .

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 09/12/2021 18:24

You don't have to go to the GP, you can speak to them in confidence when you're worried about a loved ones safety. I have had to do this.
I booked a telephone appointment and made it very clear I was speaking in confidence but needed their help. They were able to arrange support for my loved one without my involvement becoming known.
When someone is seriously unwell, they are concerned for that persons safety and the safety of those around them.

Cyberworrier · 09/12/2021 18:25

By the way my loved one would have been very upset and angry if they knew I'd been in touch with the GP- but honestly we were at rock bottom anyhow and I am so relieved another relative persuaded me to do it.

Viviennemary · 09/12/2021 18:27

I would show her the door. No excuse for the rudeness or ingratitude. You need to take care of your own mental health too.

Pinkgold1 · 09/12/2021 18:29

She needs a psychiatrist. Pills alone won’t help. How long has she been on antidepressants?

Babyvenusplant · 09/12/2021 18:32

@Viviennemary

I would show her the door. No excuse for the rudeness or ingratitude. You need to take care of your own mental health too.
That's really bad advice
Student133 · 09/12/2021 18:32

Hi Op, I had similar problems in the past, and yes I did have paranoid thoughts, I just didn't voice them. Sounds really crap, but was a symptom in my case at least.

bluejelly · 09/12/2021 18:36

Work out what your boundaries are and look after yourself, first and foremost. You can't help her if you are not looking after yourself. I wouldn't tolerate rudeness/unreasonable behaviour either. She is clearly ill and needs medical help but that doesn't mean you should be a punching bag for her. So sorry you are going through this Thanks

jackiebenimble · 09/12/2021 18:49

I got divorced it made me physically ill, was very stressful, and did give me depressing anxiety, insomnia and weightloss.
All whilst holding down a job, parenting two kids, and keeping a home together. I was never a bitch to my mother. Who was incredibly supportive.

Your daughter is obviously going through something huge and is not well. But you need some very firm boundaries at what you will accept. She is a grown up. Firm boundaries will also help her in the long run.

Her divorce is her divorce and shouldn't have a toxic effect on everyone around her. She needs to get help. And it needs to be from someone external to you.

dane8 · 09/12/2021 19:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

nocnoc · 09/12/2021 19:20

She needs to see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist rather than just a counsellor. It sounds like she might need clinical intervention

Elieza · 09/12/2021 19:48

Would she make a gp appointment herself if you asked her to!

It sounds like she really needs medication / a change of medication as it’s not working.

Ask her and if she refuses tell her that you’re worried about her and you’ll attend the appointment with her if it helps?

Set your boundaries regarding her behaviour though. Nobody’s mental health should impact negatively on any one’s else’s. I know it does but it shouldn’t.

Malibu19880 · 10/12/2021 00:21

I don’t want to worry you further OP but the paranoia really is a big warning sign, especially if she continues to deteriorate. She really needs further intervention as soon as possible.

It’s so difficult when someone we love is suffering but you are doing what you can by loving her and supporting her through this difficult time. She is lucky to have you.
Have you tried asking her what she needs from you?

Original poster
Alleui · 10/12/2021 09:21

@Malibu19880 a warning sign for what?

Thank you yes I have and she just says she needs to be told the truth. I don’t lie to her but it is hard being questioned a lot.

OP posts:
triballeader · 10/12/2021 11:10

Alleui,
My eldest son has severe generalised anxiety disorder and bi-polar. In his case paranoid thinking and ideas tend to be an indicator that his anxiety is bad----VERY bad. I have an agreement with him that his eCPN knows about as part of his care plan. If he becomes paranoid it is a warning he is about to become very unwell [needs crisis intervention/possible home treatment].

I call his CMHT and flag what he is being like. They then call him and do a phone assessment with him. If they feel he is very unwell they organise a face to face. His GP is also in the loop and I have his permission, again which his GP knows about, to let his GP know he is not at all well. Admittidly his eCPN put this together with him as part of his care plan when he was more stable.

You can call her GP and flag your concern that she may be becomming more unwell but do not know enough about it and ask if they could do a well-being check.

You can also contact MIND. www.mind.org.uk
My son recommends MIND as they have been increadibly supportive and provide him with floating support so he can manage his mental health as best he can. MIND have stepped up over covid to do their best to try and catch those at risk of falling through the gaps. They provide free online booklets with info of 'how friends and family can help' they can also signpost and even flag with mental health services if they have anyone contact them concerned that someone has become very unwell. They are also there for those who care for those living with shaky mental health.

Malibu19880 · 12/12/2021 09:59

[quote Alleui]@Malibu19880 a warning sign for what?

Thank you yes I have and she just says she needs to be told the truth. I don’t lie to her but it is hard being questioned a lot.[/quote]
There are several different things…as someone has previously mentioned it’s a warning sign for psychosis which is why she really needs to be evaluated by a MH professional

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