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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you give things another go?

16 replies

anmap · 09/12/2021 11:26

My partner of a year split up with me two months ago. I was absolutely devastated, and had a really awful month. I've tried moving on and seeing other people but really can't.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and my ex approached me to say that he feels the same. He is really sorry for ending things, and realises it was a massive mistake. He wants us to get back together again.

We've spoken deeply together about the issues we had, and discussed it with our therapist.

I really still like him, and could see a long term future with this man. But part of me is worried that I am just setting myself up for another awful break up with him if he changes his mind again.

Do you believe in giving second chances to someone who broke your heart?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/12/2021 11:27

Depends so much on his reasons etc

IgneousRock · 09/12/2021 11:27

I would probably give him one more chance. No more after this though!

JengaCupboard · 09/12/2021 11:33

I am typically a bit cynical... but I'd say no.

You don'y give detail as to why you separated (not that you need to) but you say you've discussed it with 'our therapist' which suggests you'd been having issues before.

If you were only a maximum of 12 months in and already required outside intervention it doesn't sound like the best situation to risk your wasted time (and your heart!!) over.

I firmly believe relationships require work, but it should never be that difficult...

Heepers · 09/12/2021 11:34

I would 100% give things another go.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2021 11:35

Did he have eyes on someone else but that didn't work out / he realised the grass isn't greener?

I wouldn't give someone a second chance to hurt me, no.

Original poster

anmap · 09/12/2021 12:34

I asked him if it was that he'd realised that the grass isn't greener and he responded that wasn't why we split. Although he did say that he'd realised that one of his single party animal friends who was pushing for him to split up with me, is actually deeply lonely and sad. And that the partying and 'fun' lifestyle isn't all that.

OP posts:

MissAmbrosia · 09/12/2021 12:36

You've gone out with him for a year and need a therapist? I honestly wouldn't bother.

Etinoxaurus · 09/12/2021 12:37

How old are you?
Do you want children?
What did you split up in the first place?
Was any part of you relieved?
And most importantly what was the relationship like? Are you compatible? Any red flags first time around? Because whatever happens now you’ve shown him he has the upper hand. Which is ok if he’s fundamentally a good egg, you’re young and you’re compatible.

Original poster

anmap · 09/12/2021 12:37

I go to a therapist anyway (line of work is hugely stressful) so get it for free. I brought him along to a session so that we could talk it through. Where I'm from (California), therapy is a lot more normalised than in the UK.

OP posts:

DSGR · 09/12/2021 12:38

yes but this would be the last chance

Newuser82 · 09/12/2021 12:39

This happened to me after about a year of seeing someone. He broke up with me then we got back together, got married a few years later and now have two children! Good luck with whatever you decide x

LittleBeee · 09/12/2021 12:58

I wouldn't, OP. Probably a few years ago I might have when I was less jaded, but if someone is so indecisive they don't know if they want to be with me or not, then they're not for me! I'd be forever wondering if they'd do it again and would rather be alone than go through ever-increasing heartbreak again. Sounds like he doesn't know his own mind.

So what were the actual reasons for the initial split? May I ask what sort of ages you both are? Him saying he made a 'massive mistake' is quite the turnaround. And what made him realise it was suddenly a mistake to split up and want to get back together?

Do you live in the US now? The reason I ask is because this sounds remarkably similar to something a 'friend' of mine is going through - dates/timings, the 'massive mistake' and all. The 'friend' is the male in your story. If you happen to be in the UK and it somehow did turn out to be him (I realise the chances of this are crazy low!), my advice is run and don't look back!!

Bouledeneige · 09/12/2021 13:12

This happened to me and I took him back. Because I loved him and he loved me. We agreed that we needed to spend more time together and be more committed - and he really worked hard to prove his sincerity to me.

We married and had two children and we're together for 29 years. We did get divorced in the end but I can't say that's linked to the earlier break up.

HaggisBurger · 09/12/2021 13:29

Prior to this break up, can you hand on heart say he was fully meeting your needs? If yes - then give it another go. You can get back to where you were (with work) but it won’t be “better” than it was.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2021 15:33

He split with you because his friend was egging him on to?

That is more reason to say no imo.

madisonbridges · 09/12/2021 15:41

If I was dating someone and felt we needed therapy, no matter how normal in your country, and was still worried because I didn't really rust them, I'd be moving on to another relationship rather than trying to hold the present one together with an inadequate bit of sticking plaster.

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