Help, I'm possibly being Wendied.

[Wbeezer]

Has anyone successfully prevented a new member of a long established friendship group from changing the group dynamic in a direction that leads to them being marginalised? I feel at risk of being edged out here as im struggling to accept the changes but don't want to be seen as awkward and needy. Im unlikely to be able to recreate this group of 20 years+ standing as Im basically an introvert who was adopted by a group who are a mix of more socially confident types (but nice with it). The potential newer person is a bit more "in your face" and she actually makes me feel uncomfortable.

Maybe try and have more to do with your fave people in the group one-on-one? I.e message, meet up when possible etc? That way your friendships with them hopefully will be less at risk if anything changes with the group as a whole.

I tried and failed. In my experience it’s the start of the end. Sorry. Once these types are included the one they are trying to edge out is fucked. Excuse my language. The only thing you can try (although I tried this and it didn’t work for me) is to start booking one to one things. Make individual friendships with the ones you like in the group. Also, do not be provoked. I was eventually provoked after months of being excluded and then one day excluded publically on Facebook I blew up in hurt and upset and that was it. Totally dumped. My advice would be to withdraw completely from social media right now. Just say you’re having a media break (so you don’t see anything that can hurt you). Invite one on one. Do not mention the other person at all. Don’t respond to any messages that person sends. If you become aware of being excluded from something the response is “hope you had a lovely time” then go punch a pillow. Sweetness and light at all times. Now start building other friendships. Join a book group. Other groups. Start filling your time. Evening class. Bumble for friendships. You now need to be proactive rather than reactive.

I would take a deep breath and move on. Any TRUE friends will want to spend time with you regardless either 1:1 or within a smaller splinter group. If they don't want to still keep in touch with you, they are NOT your true friends and you're better off without them.

Time is a precious commodity. Once gone, it can never be regained. Spend it wisely. You are far better off maybe trying to cultivate friendships with other people or making new ones.

You can detonate the nuclear option and individually with each of your friends, starting with the closest one tell them precisely what is going on and ask for their support. In person or on the phone works best. In my experience this is the only way - get it out in the open, rip off the band aid of silence and let everyone know.

I would NOT be giving up on a solid group of friends that had lasted decades, so now it is time to fight to the death.

Call out the person causing the problems, directly and in person as soon as you can, and tell her you don't appreciate what she is doing (your friends having your back will make all the difference, but you can still do this without)

Now is not the time for niceties. You have nothing to lose. If the wendying is still successful even after the above action, these are not your friends and the group is not worth saving. It might be that one or two will remain good friends outside of the group, let them come to you.

You can do this op Get angry don't lie down and let this happen.

Hang on, I'm not sure you're being Wendied!

No one is leaving you out, are they? It's just that you don't like the new person in the group, and want to find some way to force them out?

Because it seems like your friendship group is a kind one who welcomes in new members. They accepted you into their group. They are now accepting someone else into their group. You don't have to like everyone in the group equally, just stay kind, and continue spending time with your friends and enjoy everyone's company. You don't have to attend every event, just go to the ones you think you will enjoy.

Don't be unkind, and do things like pointedly leave the new person out or be hostile to them or try to form exclusive splinter groups, as it is this kind of unkind behaviour that will get you dropped.

Just stay friendly and rejoice in the fact that your friendship group has grown. More people to love!

I assumed she was deliberately leaving op out, and pushing her out - but yes agree, be welcoming if not!!

Agree with others, see friends on a 1 -2-1 basis. You might have to make the effort to arrange these meet ups, many introverts are reluctant to do the inviting, so make an effort over the next few weeks to try to see each of them. And also agree dont presume the group adding someone else will lead to you being removed from it, even if they move to doing things you don't enjoy, that's not the same as not including you.

Your friends like someone you don’t. That’s okay. Don’t turn it into an issue, there’s often people you get on with more than others in a group of friends.

I'll put my big girl pants on and get on with it, may even invite another friend who will probably feel left out if she finds out "wendy" got invited but is far too polite to ever manouvre her way in (Wendy guilted one of our crew into inviting her).
Wendy has been invited to bigger events like parties for years (as have others, we have lots if other friends) just not our regular coffee meet ups that started with toddlers in tow years before we met her.

Is this woman actually doing something to you or to drive you out, or do you just not like her?

Placemark. Sadly this is my forté

@Wbeezer

I'll put my big girl pants on and get on with it, may even invite another friend who will probably feel left out if she finds out "wendy" got invited but is far too polite to ever manouvre her way in (Wendy guilted one of our crew into inviting her). Wendy has been invited to bigger events like parties for years (as have others, we have lots if other friends) just not our regular coffee meet ups that started with toddlers in tow years before we met her.

You don't need to "pull on your big girl pants". You just need to not be spiteful to or try to freeze out someone who your friends like and have invited along to a coffee meet up.

You're not coming across very well here.

If you get dropped by your group, I'd guarantee it'll be because of your behaviour, not the so called "Wendy's" (who doesn't seem to have done anything wrong whatsoever.)

She's part of the bigger friendship group, who has been invited by friends to join them for a coffee. Just because you have taken a seemingly unjustified dislike to her, that doesn't make her a Wendy!

Can't help without a clearer understanding of what's going on

Yes you need to give us a clearer narrative @Wbeezer. You’ve kind of jumped ahead to you being wendied. Friendship groups are allowed to evolve. What has happened that makes you think your own group would chose this woman over you, assuming that she is indeed manouvering to make that happen.

She doesn’t seem to meet my understanding of a Wendy - i thought a Wendy ghosts people ?

Ill try to explain better. I prob should have done an AIBU to be upset post instead as Wendying doesn't quite fit
Hypothetically Imagine bringing your fun but a bit loud and tactless friend from work along without warning to a reunion with your old pals from school or uni without giving them much notice, because the work friend was moaning that they felt left out. Imagine you then couldnt talk about the old days or your children because the work friend doesn't have kids...
I know im overreacting a bit, i was disappointed that a much anticipated evening ended up with everyone talking about their jobs... It wasnt as much fun as usual.
Ill get over it, nights out have been so rare i over invested in it.
Wendy is invited to bigger events and can be good fun but she drinks more than the rest of us and can be a bit mean when shes drunk and is particularly mean about the wife of another friend (not to her face) who is lovely but a bit quirky. I would have preferred to invite both of them or none to be fair.
Shes not really pushing me out more changing the dynamic so that I dont feel comfortable (she kept trying to get me to have more wine).
It actually took me by surprise how upset i felt by her turning up, i blame being out of practise at negotiating the social scene due to lockdown.
Anyway, ill just get on with it and if she is invited again ill stick on a smile and try to be less sensitive.

@nocnoc

I tried and failed. In my experience it’s the start of the end. Sorry. Once these types are included the one they are trying to edge out is fucked. Excuse my language. The only thing you can try (although I tried this and it didn’t work for me) is to start booking one to one things. Make individual friendships with the ones you like in the group. Also, do not be provoked. I was eventually provoked after months of being excluded and then one day excluded publically on Facebook I blew up in hurt and upset and that was it. Totally dumped. My advice would be to withdraw completely from social media right now. Just say you’re having a media break (so you don’t see anything that can hurt you). Invite one on one. Do not mention the other person at all. Don’t respond to any messages that person sends. If you become aware of being excluded from something the response is “hope you had a lovely time” then go punch a pillow. Sweetness and light at all times. Now start building other friendships. Join a book group. Other groups. Start filling your time. Evening class. Bumble for friendships. You now need to be proactive rather than reactive.

Same. A woman who was an absolute vacuum, only switched on her niceness for people above her who could validate her, and was sort of benevolently distant to people she deemed beneath her, gave me the cold shoulder at work. Nobody noticed She was so la la la tinkly laugh to everybody else, that nobody noticed that the only things she ever said to me were to correct me or to act shocked as though I'd said something offensive or risky or rude (which I never had).

I blew up one day too.

What I should have done was tackled it early on and said with a couple of witnesses ''Regina, I feel like you're so friendly to everybody and so cold to me, is that your intention?'' and the likelihood is that they are cowards and they back down and say ''oh gosh no'' and then you have to take them at their word and smile calmly and say ''so glad to hear it''. Apparently it puts them on notice that you're less conflict averse than they'd had you pegged for.

If by any chance they say '''yeh, it is my intention'' you say ''well, you're not obliged to let people know that you don't like them! you could keep that to yourself!''.

Luckily the woman who manipulated the social dynamic around us so that I was excluded left and everything improved instantly. There is a really inclusive mindset at work now. Whenever anybody new starts it's just uncomplicated welcome.

You aren't being Wendied!

I think they do it because they sense two things in you. They sense that you're perhaps a little wary around them, still assessing, that you don't buy their mask. And they also think you're open, warm, able to be vulnerable, able connect with other people.

You're not high status enough to be worth cultivating as your friendship won't validate her. You're just a low status person who she has no use for but you're a threat because people seem to like you and warm to you and trust you.

Fucking annoys the bejayzus out of wendy that does.

I know where you’re coming from OP. I think when you’re an introvert it takes a long time to feel comfortable in a group initially, then because you feel comfortable, you come out of your shell and feel you can be yourself. But if someone comes into the group who you feel you can’t be yourself around, it can unsettle you and make you retreat back into your shell. It sounds like you’re not actually being wendied, but are upset that the dynamic of the group has changed and you no longer feel in your comfort zone.

I am in a social sports group. I was one of the original ones that set it up. New people come and go. Often in a big fanfare and then puff they are gone. I don't like some of the newer ones but they have as much right to be there as me.

@livelovebehappy - I think you've summed it up well. OP, the new woman isn't wendying you, but she has changed the dynamic and you don't like it.

Hi OP, can understand why you felt a bit put out that the evening didn’t match your expectations, and it’s fair enough that you enjoy a catch up and reminiscing, etc.

But this woman didn’t do anything wrong and you’re actually at risk of being the unfriendly, clique-y one.

It’s good you’re aware that it’s out of your comfort zone, as you can make a decision now to not react in a knee-jerk defensive manner but try to do something that takes a bit more effort - which is to be friendly, and, in the case of eg plying you with more wine, to develop being assertive and saying ‘no thanks’ graciously rather than feeling threatened or annoyed by this.

I would definitely avoid trying to push this woman out or encouraging people to exclude her as you are then the one being bitchy and exclusive (which is not nice!) and actually could become a self-fulfilling prophecy as this creates division and split allegiances in a group,

You don’t have to love her, but I would try and look for ways to connect with her rather than ways to push her out. I’m sure there will be other occasions when you have catch ups with the others and have a chance to talk about your shared history.