How bad is a lack of experience in your thirties? Is it a deal breaker?

[piggiebanks]

I'm turning 30 in 2022 and I feel like I'm the only person not married, never mind the only person who is still to learn how to kiss and how to have sex.

It's just never happened. I was always the straightlaced one in my group of friends and I thought if I just kept doing my hobbies and going out socially, I'd meet someone I would feel relaxed with and who would be ok with taking things a bit more slowly.

I got really worried when I was 25, and really tried dating online, and while I didn't meet anyone, dating seemed a lot easier than I thought and I was feeling slightly more confident.

But now I'm turning 30 and I feel so unsophisticated, and so juvenile. I had a date at the weekend and I just felt so so worried that he would try and kiss me and I would make a fool of myself.

Only a few friends know. They say I'll know when I meet the right person, and I just need to get drunk/ relax. I'm just so worried about it all. It feels like the most enormous millstone around my neck and I don't know how, if ever, I'll get over it :(

I can imagine, I had a close friend in the same situation. (He eventually found a partner and seems to be doing fine.)

I don’t think the thing in itself is a cause for concern but I do wonder why you’ve never found ANYONE you want to kiss let alone have sex with. Do you think you’re asexual, or just shy?

You sound lovely, I’m sure it will happen, you don’t need to tell the other person straight away and I’m sure the first bits will happen naturally. Just keep your mind/heart open and keep dating, you might meet a few frogs but fingers crossed x

First of all, it's not just you. There are lots of people in the same position.

But your friends are right. The secret about all this is that it's actually pretty easy to do so you don't really need to worry or make a big deal of it. Also, it's not actually that obvious how much experience someone has become there are so many factors, like chemistry, familiarity, the situation etc.

If you want this to happen, it will but don't spoil your own fun by worrying unnecessarily.

Honestly try not to worry. I’ve kissed and had sex with a range of people who had all definitely done it before. Everyone is just massively, vastly different (and some who were quite ‘experienced’ were awful!) and I’m not convinced anyone would be able to tell unless you told them.

Good point Verbena, one of the worst shags of my life was with the most, er, seasoned man.

I have found men attractive and wanted to kiss them but I've always been too shy. I feel myself shrinking away and getting closed off and I hate myself for doing it, because if I only could get up the courage it would be done!

Maybe someone you don't know well might help to just overcome that?

Bless your heart, that sounds tricky to deal with in the moment. As I’m the least shy person around I am not best placed to offer advice but I think I’d go for more dating, go for a few drinks with an attractive person and just stand and look in their eyes at the end of the evening. Most men will kiss you at that point! Get it out the way ☺️

It’s not as unusual as you think, OP. And you would be fine! It doesn’t take long to get into it - a few seconds I’d say!

Really, you don’t need to worry.

This might sound a bit awful but when I was 24 or so I had a friend in your position who was 31. In my defence I was young and a bit unsympathetic, but what I suggested to her was that it was indeed easiest just to get it out of the way with a friend. So I got her drunk and we had sex. I am bi, she’s straight really but she thanked me for it, she’s now married with two kids. I do think just getting a bit smashed and getting it over with is a good option at your age. Sorry that’s probably terrible advice.

Just to add, we were both drunk and she agreed to this admittedly not great plan

just stand and look in their eyes at the end of the evening

Oh, that is doable! When you put it like that it seems much easier

Thank you.

But mostly, don't beat yourself up. This should be fun, not a reason to feel ashamed.

I was in a similar situation in my early twenties minus the kissing part as I had kissed a fair few people, I don’t think the suggestion of getting drunk and getting it over and done with is that bad tbh. It’s what I did and it made me realise I’m a lesbian!