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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving right on top of Christmas

18 replies

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 18:46

There’s no abuse but I’m struggling very hard to stay here, I have dc.
I’m dreading Christmas and having to pretend to be happy when I feel nothing. I’m taking medication to basically treat my life, I don’t think I am actually depressed. I’m not eating and I’m self harming.
Do I just stay another four weeks? Can I really leave now? Could I make it ok for the dc even if I left?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 19:12

Anyone?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 19:13

Of course you can make it ok for the DC if you leave now. A happy mother is massively important and kids are smart. They'll see the difference.

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 19:17

It all feels so huge, sorting everything out feels massive.
I really just want to go to bed and not get back up.

It’s not really Dh’s fault, it isn’t anyone’s fault - but it would be me breaking up the family. So to that end does that mean he should keep the dc?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 19:25

It depends on your situation. It depends whether you both want the kids, whether you can co-parent effectively, who's best placed to provide wraparound care.

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 19:26

I’ve always done all the stuff for the dc but if he wanted 50/50 then he could have it.
Im around more but he’s rich so could easily pay for childcare.

OP posts:

nocnoc · 08/12/2021 20:00

The answer is yes. Christmas is just a thing right? There are millions of people in the world who don’t even celebrate it. In Tokyo they all eat KFC on Xmas day. What I’m saying is “ruining Xmas” needs to stop being a thing. Pretend psychologically that you’ve converted to Jehova for the day. Make it just another day and get on with your life. These nothing days are ruining and stopping people living their lives with huge emotional damage just for a date. It needs to stop. Get somewhere else to live, move out, be happy. You can do it. Oh and for what it’s worth I eat prawns on Xmas day. Turkey is disgusting. It never ruined my Xmas doing exactly as I pleased on 25 Dec. Do what you need. Come on you can do this

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 20:11

It is - but will my dc go back to school in the new year and everyone will talk about their Christmas and my dc will just find Christmas is tainted forever by the split of their parents.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 20:18

How old are your children? My parents split when we were 4, 7 and 9 around Christmas time and it's never tainted it for us.

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 20:25

They are 6 and 12.

OP posts:

Temple29 · 08/12/2021 20:45

If you’re suffering mentally and leaving would improve your mental health then you should leave. Christmas is only one day and presumably they will still get gifts etc and see you both over Christmas anyway? Do you have somewhere to go?

IknowwhatIneed · 08/12/2021 20:58

We’re planning to split after Christmas, it may be a “nothing day” but it means a lot to my kids and I don’t want to spoil the run up to the festive season for them. Things aren’t terrible and we can put on a united front for their sake - not always easy but rather that than be dealing with loss and change over Christmas.

To be honest actually making the decision itself made me feel much better and able to cope for a few weeks. It sounds like you still have stuff to work out eg who will physically leave, who’ll stay in the home, what happens financially - by the time you’ve thought about all that you’ll be at Christmas anyway.

RedBonnet · 09/12/2021 09:00

You sound like you need some time apart. Could you not go somewhere to stay for a week, just for a temporary break, with a friend maybe? It would give you breathing space to get you through Xmas. Honestly, xmas is for kids really, try and wait until after. You should tell your oh how you feel which might take the pressure off. You'll need a few weeks to sort out living arrangements anyway

Original poster

Sparkleboots · 09/12/2021 10:50

I’d have to take the children with me - I couldn’t leave them with him?
Well. I could. But wouldn’t it damage them to be abandoned for a few days by their mother?

OP posts:

Babyiskickingmyribs · 09/12/2021 16:21

Do they have school still? Try to keep their routine normal. So if you go away for a weekend you could take them with you. If you need a week and they have school leave them behind and say mum’s not very well so she’s going to grandma’s for a week so grandma can look after me. Make sure they know when you will be back and you will have to come back when you say you will. Long term having divorced parents will be less damaging than having a mum feeling this low and this desperate.

RedBonnet · 09/12/2021 17:11

@Sparkleboots

I’d have to take the children with me - I couldn’t leave them with him? Well. I could. But wouldn’t it damage them to be abandoned for a few days by their mother?

What do you think will happen if you separate? Assuming he will have them for weekends and hols, without you. ..

Icantremembermyusername · 09/12/2021 17:27

Does he know you feel this way? What do you hope life will look like if and when you break up? Would you and the kid need a new home?
I can't see how you could physically find new accommodation, move, etc before Christmas. Maybe resign yourself to putting on a brave face and getting your plans ready for the new year?

ftw163532 · 09/12/2021 17:33

@Sparkleboots

I’d have to take the children with me - I couldn’t leave them with him? Well. I could. But wouldn’t it damage them to be abandoned for a few days by their mother?

I think you're catastrophising somewhat.

Nobody's talking about abandoning your children. You'd tell them where you were going and then you'd come back.

They're not going to be damaged because mum went away for the weekend.

Nor are their lives going to be "tainted forever" because mum and dad separated.

Hardly anything lasts "forever" , talking like that is unhelpful.

Hont1986 · 09/12/2021 18:49

You do not sound in a good place mentally to take the kids if you leave. You need to sort out your depression first in order to be a good mother to them. How are they going to live with you if you are not eating, self-harming, and not wanting to get out of bed?

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