I've been with DH for 8 years, 2 LO (3 & 8). I feel pregnant when we lived in Scotland and tried to move down south to be with my friends and family because I felt trapped. His neighbours hated him for some reason and he had a string of red letters through the door which for me felt like red flags. He ended up convincing me that we should both move together so we did. I was pregnant and vulnerable.
My relationship has often felt unclear because after my first child I had PND, my mental health and I verbally abusive at that time and it has always been a hot topic when my husband is highlighting my flaws.
Early on he made it really awkward for me to have friends around, he felt too imposing and when they were gone he was rude about them so I just gave up. After the first few awful arguments which felt very wrong I'd tell friends for a frame of reference, staying with him seemed absurd so I just stopped socialising all together. During this time I tried to leave him again and was staying with my friend in Brighton, he admitted he had anger issues and promised to get help but didn't, Stupidly I went back.
When my son was 4 we moved up North because he didn't like city life.
We used to have very explosive arguments, now I just try and keep the peace. I remember when my youngest was 3 months old he started telling me that I needed to go back to work and that his mum thought I was lazy.
He began hoarding really badly, IT equipment everywhere, he expected me to do everything in the house and we would lose whole rooms at a time due to his excessive piles of crap. Our once lovely garden literally is packed full of boxes. Every time I tried to contest this he would tell me to sling my hook and pack my bags despite him keeping me on an allowance of £400 pm and refusing to disclose finances.
In 2020 during me calling him out on his behaviour he told my son he was leaving which was incredibly damaging, we had nothing and I knew he'd got us in trouble by not paying bills buy weirdly felt happy it was finally done. Except it wasn't, he was back the next day. At this point I joined the housing list in secret and contacted Women's Aid. I told him I wanted to separate but he convinced me to do couples counselling. He admitted his methods of control and promised to seek help for his coercive behaviour. He also promised that he would make it safe for me if I ever did want to leave and that we would have financial transparency....as you can probably guess that never happened. We had 3 couples counselling sessions before the therapist said she couldn't work with us because he had admitted his coercive behaviour.
That was last year, since then I sought therapy, unskilled and got a job, the wages are low but it makes me feel strong. He hated this at first and told me how much I was inconveniencing him due to childcare costs and that if I wanted to be an equal I'd need to match his wage. I know now despite my behaviour when I had PND, that he has issues and I believe they are deep rooted in maintaining his family unit no matter how flawed.
I recently bid on a social housing property right by my kids school, it's ideal but I'm still terrified I'm making a mistake. Logically speaking in a normal break up the wife would tell the husband it would be rough but he would provide the necessary funds to make it easy but I don't feel like that will happen and I feel weirdly guilty.
In many ways I feel like a fraud. He isn't beating me, he adores the kids and goes above and beyond for us for material things. The house is fine but there's no flooring and no white goods, while I know I can cover month to month expenses it will cost me at least £2k when I factor in moving vans, flooring and white goods.
I know this is the right thing to do but I feel scared of his reaction and I also feel bad. I have no idea how we will make this move and when to tell him, I know he will be heart broken. Has anyone been in this situation before?