Hostility

[CLG0707]

As a grandma, would you expect to discover via Facebook that one of your grandchildren has been in hospital.

Am I wrong to hope that my daughter should have called me directly rather than posting it online for the general public.

I have spent my whole life bending over backwards to give my children everything I could , but I am treated with disrespect & meanness & complete lack of respect , so much so that it breaks my heart

I would appreciate your thoughts.

It depends what your relationship is like, why the child has been in hospital and whether she needed anything from you while she was there.

If one of them had an asthma attack and was kept in overnight for observation but is fine, and the others were looked after by their other parent then no, there's no need for her to have told you.

Depends why the child was in hospital... but yes, I'd expect to know before Facebook...

Depends what it was for.

I wouldn’t expect it if I didn’t have a good relationship with their parent, which it sounds like you don’t - and only you know whether that’s justified and the reasons for it.

People who put that sort of stuff on Facebook are usually bizarre attention seekers. I always think things can’t be that serious if you’ve got time and energy to splash it on your socials.

I agree, if she’s got time to post that she’s got time to send a message, even the same message to multiple relevant people. But if she hadn’t put it on Facebook I don’t think she needed to tell you straight away.

Are you usually close? Having made sacrifices doesn’t mean you are.

How is that “hostility”?

I can’t stand Facebook personally, but one of my family members uses it to keep people updated in a similar way to your daughter, instead of sending loads of individual messages. She expects the Facebook users in the family to pass the message on to the non-users.

When my child had to go into hospital I did tell my mother, and almost wished I hadn’t, because she predictably made it all about her - how worried she was, how she wouldn’t be able to sleep etc etc. It was exhausting. My mother too would have claimed she “bent over backwards” for her children. Your daughter must have her reasons for sending a public message and not calling you. None of us on MN can know what they are.

People who say they've bent over backwards etc make me think that they expect a reward for raising kids. But this is faulty thinking. You love your kids no matter what, not because of what they bring you. It's as bad as those adult kids who are constantly muttering about their 'inheritance '

It may be that she was just feeling overwhelmed and didn’t want to have to do the rounds of calling people.
Immediately taking it personally and making it about you specifically probably isn’t helpful to your relationship with her.

Checking in at hospitals on social media is eurgh.

Your daughter hasn't "not notified" you. She's just attention seeking on Facebook. Without the attention seeking post, all she's done is gone to the hospital, and not informed you. Probably because it's not that serious.

Saw one a couple of days ago. A friend checking in to A&E "my poor little man". Cue the usuals, "sending hugs... You ok? PM me...". When I asked my cousin (who's close friends with her,) if little Fred was ok, turns out the kid had a cough, and she couldn't get a GP appointment.

If it was serious, you'd be focused on your child, not your Facebook status.

My kids have been to hospital a few times (accident prone) and i don't think I've ever notified my mother. I might have mentioned it aftewards but we don't see or chat to each other regularly.

She also tends to catastrophise and panic making it all about her, then I'd be worrying about her as well as child.

I have posted stuff on Facebook but only after I know it's all OK and child is treating their hospital trip like an adventure.

I think many people Facebook for attention & don't actually want 'real' relationships - they take too much effort.
I absolutely would expect & notify immediate family members of illnesses worthy of a&e. I like to offer support & it's nice to feel supported. All my family do this. No major calling middle of the night unless obviously urgent. But a text or WhatsApp is enough

The important question here is whether the child is OK, surely. You don't mention that. Might explain a few things.

@PerfectlyImperfectme a&e wasn’t mentioned. It could have been something routine.
@ParisPreMom Yep!

I have spent my whole life bending over backwards to give my children everything I could...

Sorry, but proclamations like this always throw up red flags for me. That's what you're supposed to do, and that shouldn't come with strings attached. I'd be interested to hear your child's side of things.

It could be they don't feel close to you (if you say seeming distant etc is a pattern with them.)

It could also be they didn't want to worry you, especially if it didn't turn out to be massively major.