I’m so pi**ed at having to carry the responsibility of being abused.

[Iwannascream8]

Court is just breaking me. Why am I the one responsible for what happened to me and for fixing it all. Why am I the one having to suffer and now carry the responsibility for contact going forward.

He went on a course and is fixed so now all the responsibility going forward is on me. He wants an amicable relationship and I’m left with ptsd trying my hardest to heal.

I will support my daughter but I don’t want an amicable relationship with the person who almost destroyed me.

Why do I now have to carry that blame. It’s all his bloody fault, all the abuse and all the consequences are his fault!

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear your pain in the words you write. He went on a course but he's not better. He is managing to keep up a facade for this short time to fool the courts. He knows what he is doing. He's biding his time. He'll revert. The best thing you can do is continue on with your healing. You will develop and become a better person despite this experience. He is most likely incapable of changing because he doesn't see himself as the problem. Rule #1 of Misogyny - Women are always responsive for everything men do!
Read Lundy's 'Why Does He Do That?' and you'll recognise your abuser in those pages xx

You are not responsible for this man's actions OP. It's hard to heal from the pain he has put you and your child through. But it was his fault and his fault alone. Nobody made him abusive, he chose to be. He had a choice. The course is just to keep up an act. Men like this act like they are doing all the right things in public but you know the true him. And his behaviour isn't your fault. You carry a burden now but it doesn't belong on your shoulders - it is squarely on his. Can you go no contact with him? It may be the best thing in order to heal and move forward.

My DD is going through similar and trying to protect her DC - and herself. The Courts are a joke.
We're actually in Court again this Friday. I go with her for support every time and honestly, it's breaking me, re-traumatising every time because of what he's put my family through. Just seeing him there, all butter wouldn't melt.
It gives me such rage and nausea and despair....and I'm just the grandmother in this situation.
It's deeply, horribly unfair on you and you have my utmost sympathy. I wish you strength

I'm so sorry. The legal systems hates women and favours abusive men. I have no words that will help but it's absolutely his fault and you shouldn't be expected to be amicable at all.

Because they don't have a bloody clue how it feels to be terrified in their own homes, they believe abusers can be reformed or behave normally once they are away from a specific person.

Not true, they remain abusers all their lives, it is embedded in their nature.

I personally think if a man has been abusive he loses the right to be a father, why would any child benefit in knowing someone who has evil within them.

Do not let him near you, protect yourself no matter what the courts say.
Do not let him weedle his way back in through your child.

You know him, they don't.
You have my sympathy.

Thanks guys. I was in court yesterday on my own. I’ve got as far as I can go in the legal system and have chosen on many peoples advice to back down from fighting and have agreed to restart contact, supervised at first. Cafcass and the judge are happy he has been on the course they sent him on and has been enlightened.

At the end of the hearing yesterday the judge said I want to congratulate father on what he has done. I have done this job for many years and it’s unusual for a perpetrator of abuse to appear to have changed so radically….bollocks and she used the work “appear” she is fooling herself. I stuck to my guns and said I want no direct contact going forward but will do as I’m told via child contact. What a charade it was. They actually said mother I think you can trust him now…..never ever will I do that!!!!

They actually said mother I think you can trust him now…..never ever will I do that!!!!

What arrogance!! They know him better than you. I have heard horrendous stories about family Court and I predict that these children (when grown) will describe the abuse they had to endure as a result of court decisions.

Yes they actually said that and talked about him so positively as if everything they found him guilty of has just gone away now. I just replied that trust is something that is built over time with changed behaviour. In the meantime to keep contact positive for our daughter and to enable me to feel safe I want no contact with him.

Sounds horrendous and I can understand why you’re pissed off/ upset/ angry. It is unfair.

Anger is perfectly natural emotion and completely fair given the situation. But do try and make sure you are processing what has happened and that includes processing your anger so that you can eventually be happier. Are you doing any counselling to support you/ process this?

I have some really great support @sassbott. I have an amazing boyfriend who is keeping me very present and making it so that I can look forward. Although this happened to me and it’s bad I have a nice life now with someone so loving and calm to look forward to. I am learning to let go of what I can’t control. It’s hard as it goes against everything I feel in that I need to protect my child but I can only do so much.

His mum actually gave me some really great advice and that’s to remember the nice person I am and not to fight fire with fire and get caught up. I need to step down now and show my daughter why I left and that was to make sure she has 50% of an amazing life with a happy mum. I have been so caught up with worry and regret that I forget I can’t change that but I have given her the opportunity to at least have a half decent life by leaving him.

I understand you will never forget.

He must have been smirking to himself when he heard that, they really have no concience.
I hope you can move forward in the future and feel safe.

x