Tired, sad, pregnant and regretful

[TheChristmasBlues]

My husband and I are expecting our 1st baby. We also have 2 children from his previous marriage that live with us. (They have contact with mum a few times a year).

We've been together for 6 years but baby has taken a while to come along - there have been a few miscarriages along the way.

I know my set up is non-standard but I love my family and I thought baby would be the perfect finish to our unit. Now I keep thinking that I am regretting it.

Husband has always been moody and has called me a lot of names over the years. His favourite thing to do is say "you're being a bitch" and then the next day, argue over the semantics and say he wasn't calling me a bitch, he was just describing the way I was behaving as "being" bitch like.

Eventually I give up and he "wins".

He never does this in front of the children - or, tbh, in front of anyone.

I have a shitty mum - the type that abandons, abuses, neglects etc. a true narcissist also. I spent my childhood as her scape goat whilst my brother, the golden child, received nothing but favourable treatment. I see my mother twice a year as I cannot tolerate her. I do not call or write to her in between. It is a close approximation of grey rocking. My brother has a 7 month old baby boy who is golden grandchild.

I'm secretly nervous that I'm bringing a new baby into this situation like a lamb to the slaughter. Been considering cutting my mum out of my life altogether because I worry that my mother will compare new baby to my nephew unfavourably - repeating the same patterns that I grew up with. I have thought it would be especially bad if baby is a boy. (We find out soon).

I mentioned these thoughts I've been having to my husband last night and he blew up.

I realise it was a shitty thing to say out loud. It's a shitty thing to think. I wouldn't regret my baby if it were a boy, just because it might add an extra complexity to the already fucked up relationship I have with my mum. I was just postulating and I thought my husband would get it or at least understand where these thoughts might be coming from.

Instead he called me "weird" and "fucked up". He also called me "crazy", "mental" and "damaged".

Of course, he didn't call me these things, he just said I was "being" them. There's always a difference.

He said it's weird that I'm already buying baby supplies at 18 weeks. He laboured this point for ages and ages like I'm some kind of mentalist.

Husband drinks every single night - at least 1 bottle of wine plus 3-4 measures of whisky. He definitely gets worse when he drinks.

I know everyone is going to say that I should never have married him and started a family. And I'm afraid I agree. But he wasn't always like this. When we met he was the kindest man I'd ever known. It was like he dropped right out of my dreams. Tall, dark, handsome, generous, thoughtful and attentive.

Now he's like a different person. And I just feel like my pregnancy is making it worse.

I am considering whether I should just leave. I don't see how either of us could be happy, if he truly thinks those things about me. Surely we'd both be better off alone.

I know he wouldn't want to lose touch with the baby, even though I'm fairly sure he doesn't love me anymore. He's a different animal with the children.
What happens if you split with a newborn? Would I need to let him have the newborn overnights? Is it better to wait until they're 2 or 3 before I leave? I really don't know how I could be apart from my baby.

Please don't all pile on and tell me what an idiot I am. I feel bad enough as it is that I ended up with this man.

I'm really going to miss my stepchildren too. I truly adore them. The whole situation is so fucked up.

Hey OP, sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant. Really, you don’t need anyones permission to leave. It sounds like you’ve made your mind up and this post is the first time you’re putting it into words?
Your husband sounds horrid, very unsupportive and he has a drinking problem.
How he speaks to you is unacceptable regardless of context
If it were me I’d definitely leave.
I have some experience of being a single mum whilst pregnant (from 18 weeks) and with a newborn (ExH had an affair) Yes it was extremely hard handing over my baby, I waited until DS was sleeping through the night.
I’d suggest (if you leave) you really think about your boundaries through the remainder of your pregnancy and at the birth. What involvement you want him to have or not have. You don’t have to make any decisions regarding access until baby arrives, I certainly wouldn’t suggest any plans to him in case you change your mind
to you OP, it’s not too bad being single with a baby. I found it easier than living with my ExH

Living with an alcoholic abuser, for that is what he is, is terrible both for you and for your new child. It's much more sensible to split now than any time after the birth. You sound deeply unhappy and with a partner, and mother, like that I don't blame you.
Do you have anyone supportive in your life you can talk to? It's easier when you've shared.

I am so sorry OP.
I agree that it would be better to split up now. He would not be allowed to have the baby overnight while still small and breastfeeding I don’t think ? Someone more knowledgeable will be able to advise you on this.
He is manipulative and abusive and men like this only get worse when their partners have a baby.

I would separate from him asap rather than when your child is born.

It is likely that your own dysfunctional childhood with your narcissistic mother has played a huge part in you being with this man at all. I would not see her at all going forward.

Do contact Womens Aid asap and plan your exit from this with due care and attention. I would also suggest you seek legal advice with regards to divorce proceedings.

What a miserable situation for you. What support do you have? Friends or any other relatives who could help you?

I wouldn’t let him have the baby overnight at all I he’s drinking at that level. He simply wouldn’t be able to meet their needs.

Please confide in your midwife, there should be someone with responsibility for domestic abuse and they can be really helpful. Obviously also Women’s Aid and you might well have local initiatives. Sadly abuse escalating in pregnancy is a common pattern.

Oh shit, OP - just his drinking alone is an absolute disaster.

If I were you love, I would marshal my resources and go it alone.
He absolutely will get worse and worse.
I would also bet that he will do absolutely nothing to help you with the new baby. If he drinks every night, he will be incapable of helping anyway.
I would go it alone and get divorced. Get help.

Dont end up lumbered with an abusive, gaslighting alcoholic as glorified nanny-housekeeper for his kids.

Get out and have your baby away from this shitshow. It will only get much, much worse once the baby is here otherwise. I absolutely, 100% guarantee it.

Personally I’d be making moves to leave sooner rather than later. That way by the time your baby arrives you can be set up on your own, and it won’t be a big upheaval with a baby.
It’s unfortunately more likely to get worse rather than better with your partner- a lot of men feel free to up their abusive behaviour when their partner is pregnant.

Don’t engage with his bullshit of arguing around the fact that he regularly calls you a bitch.

Follow the wise advise here

Get out
Seek help

He is truly awful

So sorry xx

That’s sounds like alcoholic drinking, how often does he not drink for a day?
In any case his behaviour is abusive and you’ll be better off getting away before your baby is born.

Pregnancies and upcoming changes to family are stressful for all. And in addition to that you are most likely hormonal.

If these arguments are recent - there may be a chance that it’s the stress of it all that is getting to him and to you.
In general - unless there is abuse - I’d not be making big life changing decisions when you are this vulnerable.
Pregnancy, birth, first year with a baby are hard enough. Why make it harder for yourself.

Other than some verbal arguments - is there any other situations where he makes you uncomfortable?

As to the actual thoughts you were having about this baby - I am going to say that it’s worrying a bit. And I hope it’s the hormones.
But if I were you - I’d mention it to your midwife. You may be at a higher risk for PND given your history and the thoughts you are having now.

So - I can see why he’d have a strong reaction to what you said.
He expressed it poorly and in a very unhelpful way. But I do hope he is there for you when he’ll need to be.

People misunderstand MH and don’t immediately jump to help, especially men around pregnancy. For me with my PND - it took me falling apart for my family to realise there is an actual issue, and not just hormones

So sorry you’re having a rough time OP. Have you thought about reaching out to a therapist to talk things out?

In regards to splitting up, no, he would not get the newborn overnight. The best he’ll get until the baby is at least 1 is access. That could mean you drop the baby off with him for an afternoon or two each week or he comes over and you supervise the access. It can all be done through a separation agreement which is pretty straightforward.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Do yourself and your child the biggest favour,,leave your dh and go no contact with your mother.