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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stuck and miserable - need some advice

22 replies

Jalj · 08/12/2021 13:43

I'm wanting some advice please as I feel I am losing my marbles!

I've been in a relationship with my OH for almost 11 years, and we have 3 children together (8, 7 and 4), although we are not married. Whilst I was pregnant with our eldest child we went through a very bad patch of arguing - my OH started raising issues about my perceived past. I had never pretended to him that I was a virgin when we met, but at the same time, my past is not bad or promiscuous by any stretch of the imagination. We had around a year of arguing, which got very vicious at times - lots of slut shaming, name calling, drinking and angry behaviour by him. I'm not going to pretend that I was innocent - I'm sure I did nothing to help arguments sometimes because I'm not good at dealing with conflict.

By some miracle we got through it, and we put our issues in a box and focused on raising our son. It was more important to us that he had both parents, than any nonsense which went on between us. However, during the course of this I gave up my career to stay at home with our son (and subsequent children), the house which I owned was sold (not really by my choice but forced as I had no income and my OH wouldn't sustain the mortgage whilst we looked to rent it out, as he wanted it to be gone), and I lost friends through my relationship with him. Still, we made happy the best we could.

But despite putting everything to one side I have been feeling unhappy recently. My OH started remote working about a year ago and him being in the house constantly was becoming stifling - I was constantly at his beck and call and felt I was starting to lose some of my control over my day. And then came within me some feelings of resentment and anger over the issues we had years ago and the things which I gave up to maintain our relationship.

Against this backdrop my OH started to become obsessed with Covid, and in particular appeared to be going down the Covid conspiracy rabbit hole - he was getting worked up over every news item (and still is very obsessed with the whole vaccination situation now). We were not in agreement but I didn't have the time to bring any facts to the table (not government information but independent facts) to counter his views, and we would just argue. He would easily call me stupid for believing mainstream narrative rather than his views.

One day it erupted, and I told him I didn't love him any more and wanted to leave with the kids. I'm not proud of that moment, as it was said in front of the kids and they ended up being witness to my outburst (something which has been rubbed in to me time and again since). And, despite everything I do love him, but I had had enough.

Since then things have gone downhill even more. Firstly, as an immediate reaction my OH went on various dating sites and began talking to other women. I had backed myself into a corner and acted like I didn't care, and so he even met one for a date although assures me it was just a park walk and a coffee (and I do believe him). After that we agreed we would try to make things work.

However, then one day he went through my facebook account - and I mean everything. Every message I had ever sent, from the day the account was created until now. Off the back of that he started accusing me again of having slept with people that I hadn't slept with, suggesting that my facebook demonstrated that before I met him I was a 'party girl' who clearly must have slept around and that I deceived him into thinking I was something I wasn't to get him into our relationship. He says that I am just using him as a simp provider as I had hit 30 and was desperate to settle down (oh yes....he has been watching lots of redpill, MGTOW stuff as well recently).

We have now had months of arguing and me trying to prove myself which have been like a repeat of our earlier arguments. Lots of slut shaming going on again - although he says I'm shamed by my own facebook and not him. He started drinking again and when he did he would be verbally nasty and easily reduce me to tears. I sent myself a few emails documenting his behaviour over 3-4 nights and he found them and said that I had slanted him as an abuser by not putting in the context for any of our arguments (although not disputing his actual behaviour).

Since then 'to restore trust' he has access to my laptop, my email address and passwords to everything and my phone. I have to ask to use my electronics and even then he asks me why. He hides my phone so I have to ask him to get it if I want to use it. He says that its my fault as he has lost trust in me and I am a snake in the grass - and the reasonable side of me can see how his trust might be dented as he thinks I'm preparing emails slanting him as an abuser (which I am not - I wrote my emails for my own sanity as I always end up doubting my recollection of events later on)

And so, here I am at the library, completely not knowing what to think. I have told him I want to leave but morally I don't know if I can do it to the kids - they will suffer because I want a life away from him? I don't know what I'm looking for really other than for some advice as to whether I'm going nutty or whether I really have created my own bed which I now need to grow up and lie in. Any thoughts, good or bad, would be appreciated.

There is so much more going on, but I tried to keep to the basics

OP posts:

IknowwhatIneed · 08/12/2021 13:49

Your kids will suffer more while you continue to live in what is a clearly abusive relationship - don’t use the idea of putting them first as a reason to stay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2021 13:54

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to remain with this man. You've given more than enough power and control here to him already, I am assuming these children have his surname too?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you not want to teach them that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

Why would your children suffer if they had a life away from him?. They will suffer more if you and he stay together. What does he do for them anyway, such people like this man really only care about their own self.

He is an abusive individual who is not above trying to gaslight you either (trying to make you believe that your own perception of reality is wrong when it is not). For those reasons you should be planning your exit from this dysfunctional and perhaps also a codependent relationship with due care and attention. Such men do not like letting go of their chosen target that easily. Where are your family and friends here; how supportive of you are they?. Would you be willing and able to contact Womens Aid too?.

goody2shooz · 08/12/2021 13:56

Would you be happy if your daughter was in a relationship like yours? I’m sure you would be horrified. This man is abusive without a doubt and it cannot be good for your poor children growing up and absorbing this toxic relationship. If you can leave I’m sure you and the children will all be much happier.

goody2shooz · 08/12/2021 13:58

Oh, and btw - please stop trying to defend your past. Grey rock him. Nothing you say will make him change his mind, he does this because he enjoys it.

Justcallmebebes · 08/12/2021 14:00

This is horribly abusive and controlling in every way and it also sounds extremely volatile. Your kids will suffer far more in the long run if you continue in this relationship the way it is now.

Was the money you made from the sale of your property ringfenced or does he hold all the cards financially too?

Arrivederla · 08/12/2021 14:06

This sounds absolutely awful - I really feel for you. As everyone else has said your children will be much happier if you leave this really toxic relationship.

Whatabambam · 08/12/2021 17:36

This is not a relationship. This is domestic abuse. You need to think of yourself in these terms so that you can see the reality of the situation. Your children are suffering every single day that they witness this abuse. Please seek help and share your situation with trusted friends and family who can help you. What you are seeing is the most common type of behaviour at this point; he is escalating his control over you as you have shown signs that you are considering leaving him.

Iflyaway · 08/12/2021 18:03

I have to ask to use my electronics and even then he asks me why. He hides my phone so I have to ask him to get it if I want to use it.

Fuck that! Why are you giving your autonomy away?!

I wouldn't be putting up with that from nobody, never mind the person who is supposed to love you. He sounds deranged....

You need to get out not only for yourself but for your kids too. No way for them to grow up in such toxicity.

Sending you lots of strength to deal with this.

Iflyaway · 08/12/2021 18:07

Oh, and I am a single mother because I was also in a toxic and abusive relationship. My son is a well-rounded individual. Dread to think how he would otherwise have turned out if I'd stayed with his dad.

Anon0707 · 08/12/2021 18:24

Coercive control. It will only get worse.
I hope you’re ok

Animood · 08/12/2021 19:00

So let me get this right. This guy slut shakes you, hacks your private accounts, drinks and argues, reads MGTOW and red pill stuff and us an anti-vaxxer

Your kids will be absorbing all of this - the poor relationship model and his frankly mental ideas.

Leave him and never look back.

shedreamer · 08/12/2021 19:16

Please please please get yourself and your children out of this situation. He has been skilled at chipping away at your self-confidence over the years and gaslighting you. Not only that but he is clearly controlling you. Please go on IDAS website or Women's aid and have a look at their information about emotional abuse and coercive control. I think there is a good checklist and your situation certainly would tick many of those boxes. Please seek some confidential advice from either organisation (do so in a safe place away from him).

I feel awful for what you are going through. If you stay, it's almost certain to get worse. It doesn't matter who you slept with/dated etc before you met him. this is not his business to comment on. He probably gets you to a point where you doubt your own recollection and sanity, tying you in knots emotionally. This is classic controlling and abusive behaviour.
I just want you to talk it through with someone objective and informed and seriously consider your options here and your future. There will be people who can support and help you if you decide to leave him. I think your gut instinct is already telling you this is not a healthy way to be treated within what should be a loving and mutually supportive relationship. Relationships should not limit your life in this way.
You are clearly unhappy with him and that on it's own is enough and you have the right to leave him and put your self-esteem back together
Do not put up with this a moment longer!

goody2shooz · 08/12/2021 20:53

If he monitors your phone and laptop/tablet usesge, there is always the safe space room at branches of Boots - ask for Ani I think it’s it’s called, for victims of domestic abuse.

Katy59 · 08/12/2021 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Palavah · 08/12/2021 23:32

@katy59 suggest you start your own thread otherwise your question will get lost.

Weatherwax13 · 08/12/2021 23:33

He is completely abusive. In your place I'd be making plans to leave. This is horrible

Katy59 · 08/12/2021 23:46

Sorry I thought I had I didn’t mean to post on someone else’s post! I don’t think I can delete it

Pascal80 · 09/12/2021 00:28

He's never going to make you happy. Time to end this relationship.

TedMullins · 09/12/2021 00:51

He’s horribly abusive and your kids will not thank you for staying with this vile man.

smoko · 09/12/2021 03:04

I feel sorry for you. This is no way to live. Your kids deserve a happy mother who is free from this toxicity.

All the best with escaping this loser.

Original poster

Jalj · 09/12/2021 13:49

Thank you everyone for your comments. I know deep down that I am not in a good situation, or one which I want my children to be brought up in, but my OH has a way of convincing me that it would be selfish of me to put my feelings before the kids - and I also know that a smear campaign will follow if I were to leave, and attempts would be made to turn my children against me. The situation is made more difficult by the fact that he is very good with the children - I would say that in their early years he was not particularly involved - I dealt with all of their day to day needs, and took them out places etc....but in the last year or so as they have gotten older he has become a lot more involved and does have an excellent bond with them.....this would be a much easier decision if he was a completely sh**ty father. I will look into getting some more local advice, face to face. Thank you

OP posts:

goody2shooz · 09/12/2021 16:43

So are you saying all his bad and abusive treatment of you goes on when the dc aren’t there? This delightful dad who has a great bond with the children yet treats you like dirt on his shoe? Don’t let fear be the reason you stay, it’s a reason to leave. Parental alienation is another weapon in his arsenal? Perhaps it’s time to speak to a solicitor who specialises in dv, or Women’s Aid. They will be able to advise and help. You wouldn’t want your children in a marriage like this when they’re older, but they’re learning all about it now…..

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