A lie is a lie a Secret is a Secret!! They Matter regardless of how old surely??

[Oakleaf40]

I really need some advice.. As this is driving me mad and I need to put this debate to bed!!

My Husband and I separated 18mths ago. after a 20 year marriage . It was a horrible separation, He did so many things to make the separation as hard as it could be and I was at a point of a nervous breakdown. 6 mths off work lost over 2 stone in weight, my hair began to fall out in small patches..It was bad..

Whistle we were separating he started a new relationship with this woman who was at first a FRIEND.. Very quickly.. While telling me nothing was going on and dont be silly blah blah..

He told me so many lies and I believed them all...and found out about all of them in the end..

He has also told his new partner so many lies ..BUT... She has no idea of what he did and what he carried on doing behind her back. all the secrets he has kept from her asked/begged people to keep them from her including me!!

I am so glad I am out of the situation and am finally re building my life little by little...its was hard..

After picking up my sons we got chatting about various things as you do on long car journeys...My Eldest son dropped into conversation that his father thinks that what happened and what he did and all the lies has had told don't really matter now as they happened over a year ago!!!
Needless to say my son (19) had got pretty upset with him and asked to leave his fathers house early ..

I was pretty shocked as a lie is a lie a secret is a secret regardless of how old and they hurt people..
How can someone think this is ok? Am I wrong to be shocked??

Of course you're right but people make up all kinds of excuses to justify their shitty behaviour and present them as law or fact.

Lies and secrets dont have an expiry date where they magically change status.

He's completely self-centred. That's how he can think it.
Of course you're not wrong to be shocked.

I’m not sure. Lies are lies and secrets are secrets, but if you’re referring to how he called his new partner only a friend while you were separated, I don’t see how it’s any of your business anyway and he might have seen her as a friend to start with and then got closer after time. So if you think that scenario = lies and secret, then I am questioning your definition of lie/secret to be a bit too broad in my opinion.

That said, yes lies and secrets are still just that no matter how long ago it happened. But they don’t have same level of importance the more time that passes. At some point, you have to let go and move on for your own sanity. So it’s not that they don’t matter, but they do gradually matter less over time.

@EmpressCixi

I’m not sure. Lies are lies and secrets are secrets, but if you’re referring to how he called his new partner only a friend while you were separated, I don’t see how it’s any of your business anyway and he might have seen her as a friend to start with and then got closer after time. So if you think that scenario = lies and secret, then I am questioning your definition of lie/secret to be a bit too broad in my opinion.

That said, yes lies and secrets are still just that no matter how long ago it happened. But they don’t have same level of importance the more time that passes. At some point, you have to let go and move on for your own sanity. So it’s not that they don’t matter, but they do gradually matter less over time.

The Friend was present while we were married..

That said, yes lies and secrets are still just that no matter how long ago it happened. But they don’t have same level of importance the more time that passes.

Would you forgive your partner if he had lied to you and kept it secret from you? I believe the longer you keep a lie the worse of a person you are...

I think you are being very simplistic @Oakleaf40 .
Of course you are not a worse person in direct proportion to how long you've kept a lie! It depends on the lie.
How do you know she wasn't more than a friend? I don't get that from your OP. Maybe my bad reading.

Regardless, in the grand scheme of things, as far as you are concerned, and your kids, he has been a twat. This move on and don't let bitterness or anger make you a worse person. You are worth more than that. NEVER forget your worth!

Well if they don't matter, then he won't mined you spilling them all then now, will he?!

*mind

It's easier for him to tell his child "it was a year ago so it doesn't matter" than to acknowledge his shitty behaviour and apologise for it.

It sounds like your son has critical thinking abilities (not just blindly going "ok dad"), emotional intelligence, and a good relationship with you where he trusts you to talk about painful things. You've done a good job there. Concentrate on that, and let your ex carry on with his bullshit - I doubt he'll fool your lad again.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I think you are being very simplistic *@Oakleaf40* . Of course you are not a worse person in direct proportion to how long you've kept a lie! It depends on the lie. How do you know she wasn't more than a friend? I don't get that from your OP. Maybe my bad reading.

Regardless, in the grand scheme of things, as far as you are concerned, and your kids, he has been a twat. This move on and don't let bitterness or anger make you a worse person. You are worth more than that. NEVER forget your worth!

Oh she was prescent for over a year but they were just friends.. the classic line.. With regards to the lies, hes told.. well all I can say was if it was me, I would be utterly devastated because of them.. truly.. hes mad her believe I am just a crazy ex and she has stood up for him and she has made herself look pretty stupid infron of all whi know.. I actually feel quite sad for her.

My sons wnt stand for the constant lies and cant understand why? So do not want to be around them both because of it. Xx