Still upset by this 8/12 months on, need to let it go.

[StationaryMagpie]

January 2020 i took the plunge to start a relationship with someone who'd expressed an interest in me, and waited for me til i was ready.

We never really defined it because i have an idiot stbExH who i didn't want knowing my private life, but we agreed it was exclusive, and we'd just see how things went.

Obviously Covid got in the way but we maintained contact over social media and walks in public over lockdown, then carried on best we could over the year.. deciding to add him into my family bubble over the summer and tier 2 crap as he lived alone.

Then lockdown 2 happened, and over that time he started to drift away from me, went quiet for a few weeks, then broke it off a couple of days before christmas stating he was struggling and wasnt in a headspace to be in a relationship.

When we were allowed to socialise again, we got together for coffee, and both admitted there were still feelings there, but he also said he had made good friends with someone else and could see it devloping into a future with her when they finally met face to face.. but that we had 'unfinished business' so we had one last hurrah to say goodbye, and i let him on his way to explore if there was something with this other woman and a maybe about us trying again if there wasn't. (march april time i think?)

He's now in a LTR with the other woman/living together with her, and she's lovely, and we're all still good friends.

However, she recently posted the 'year since we started talking' anniversary and a huge soppy thing about how she knew they had a future the moment they began talking.

No points for guessing that this was exactly the time he started withdrawing from me claiming he wasn't in the headspace for a relationship.

Now.. i'm not going to do anything, but i'm finding it hard to shake the hurt, and feeling like he lied to me back then.

I am still single, and i'm feeling burnt about trying again, as i take a long time to warm up to people (borderline asexual/demisexual) to want a relationship.. and we spent months of him putting in the ground work to build something with me because he wanted me and was happy to wait... then does this.

i dunno what i want from putting this here.. guess i just needed it out of my head.

He should hsve been honest off the bat for his reasons for withdrawing/backing out of the relationship.

Unfortunately his behaviour is very typical of her people act instead of being honest.

It can be very hard essentially rejecting someone, finishing with them when they apparently don't don't want to finish, telling them you're met someone you're more interested in/think you're more suited to, or things are more convenient with etc.. many people would rather say anything than those words. They go for things they think will be less hurtful. They feel for things that are a half way house to "dumping".

Of course it just ends up more hurtful and a bit embittering when the person finds out the real.rwsdkns they withdrew and (half) ended the relationship.

The other thing is, in addition to the intense discomfort many ppl feel ending a relationship with someone, there is often an element of bets hedging. And that sounds like it may have been a factor here too. They're not going to fully dump person a u til they see if it really does take off with person b. It sounds like he dud that too .. didn't tell you he's met someone until a bit later.
Again, kind of shitty but unfortunately not uncommon.

*then broke it off a couple of days before christmas stating he was struggling and wasnt in a headspace to be in a relationship.

When we were allowed to socialise again, we got together for coffee, and both admitted there were still feelings there, but he also said he had made good friends with someone else and could see it devloping into a future with her when they finally met face to face.. but that we had 'unfinished business' so we had one last hurrah to say goodbye, and i let him on his way to explore if there was something with this other woman and a maybe about us trying again if there wasn't*

Do you mean, when you met up, you has sex?

So he cheated on her then; if she thinks they were together from before Christmas?

Seems like he hasn't acted well to either of you and she's not necessarily got herself any prize.

no, it wasn't cheating, he'd told her about us and the fact we really needed the chance to bring things to an end properly before they could really explore their feelings for each other, and they'd never actually met, only talked over the internet.

it was hedging his bets to a point i guess though.

I actually find this kind of behaviour extremely devious. Spinning plates. Weighing up options. Keeping the other 2 people largely in the dark about his situation. She surely didn't know about you when they first started 'talking'

probably not, think some of our closest friends suspected, but they never asked, and we never said.

I can understand your hurt here, he wanted to keep you as an option which is just cruel. It seems as if you were waiting to see if he liked this girl and if not he would come back to you? Don't do that again! Believe me I've been a naive fool in the past too but never allow yourself to be a back up, you deserve to be the first choice not kept on the back burner in case it didn't work out with the other girl.

*However, she recently posted the 'year since we started talking' anniversary and a huge soppy thing about how she knew they had a future the moment they began talking.

No points for guessing that this was exactly the time he started withdrawing from me claiming he wasn't in the headspace for a relationship.*

I still imagine she doesn't know he chose to have sex with you when he met up with you, after they started "talking".