Sick of being invisible

[inviwoman21]

Repost for traffic.

I have started to notice more and more, that i'm invisible to the opposite sex. Nobody ever fancies me.

I'm in my early 30s, but everyone tells me I look younger. So I don't think its that I look old?

I'm slim, fairly happy with my body. I think my face must let me down. It is very 'average'. But I had lots more attention about 10 years ago, and since then i've done things to improve myself, such as have my teeth fixed and a nose job and if anything i've become MORE invisible.

I am usually attracted to guys older than me. So I have wondered if that is the problem. That the men I am drawn too don't look at me because I look 'young'.

I make an effort to dress well and do my hair and makeup always, I hold a confident air around people and come across happy and yet I still am never pursued. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in loads of attention, just from the ones i'm drawn to for once.

It just feels a bit of a sad situation as there isn't much I can do about it.

Not sure what i'm wanting from this post, maybe a bit of reassurance? Positive stories about people who were the same way?

It was the same for me when I was younger - No one seemed to notice me or approach me - I had very low self esteem
I later learnt having spoken to guys who were in my circle of friends that they felt intimidated by me and 'out of their league' - ironic when I felt so unattractive. Looking back at photos of myself when I was younger I just wish I could have seen what they saw
Stay true to yourself - these men may feel you are out of their league too

Maybe they think you're already in a relationship?

Where are you expecting the attention to come from? Many people are (quite rightly) wary of flirting with their work colleagues; and whilst single women posting on MN are always told to join groups and hobbies to meet men, the reality is that the majority of people go to groups and hobbies because they’re interested in the group or hobby subject rather than as a dating opportunity, and aren’t going to be considering you in that way.

Have you tried online dating, where it’s clear and obvious that everyone there is looking to date / find a relationship and you have the opportunity to write about yourself and make yourself more visible?

People are not all about looks !

How is your personality ?

What do you talk about ?

What are your interests & hobbies ?

Well if you're early thirties and you tend to fancy older men, quite a lot of your target market is going to be already married/ in a LTR. So yeah dating sites are probably a good idea so at least everybody is meant to be on the same page. Or- covid permitting- parties, and let some discreet strategic people know you're looking so they can act as spotters/finders for you.

@9UnseenSleepHead, I was thinking the same.

Op, you seem to be 'waiting' for external validation from men to find you attractive.

The best way to make friends and to meet potential partners is to engage in something like a hobby on a regular basis. Share your passion, turn up frequently/regularly and see what happens.

Same thing with OLD, find someone with similar interests, passions. It's a numbers game, most will be unsuitable but you have to put yourself out there.

True - I am aware that most men my age and older are likely to already have LTR and marriage etc. But not all of them. I guess it just feels like men don't really appreciate me/respect me in general, hence feeling 'invisible'. For example, a colleague and I were mid conversation when something 'better' came along so he just walked off without a word.

I have a friend who is beautiful and I see the way men are with her, the way they look at her. Its just different, its like she is respected more because of her appearance. Sad really.

@inviwoman21

True - I am aware that most men my age and older are likely to already have LTR and marriage etc. But not all of them. I guess it just feels like men don't really appreciate me/respect me in general, hence feeling 'invisible'. For example, a colleague and I were mid conversation when something 'better' came along so he just walked off without a word.

I have a friend who is beautiful and I see the way men are with her, the way they look at her. Its just different, its like she is respected more because of her appearance. Sad really.

But if your friend is very beautiful, then of course, she will get more attention. That isn't an insult to you, the same way you wouldn't take it personally if someone was just funnier than you and people laughed harder at her jokes.

I do think it isn't just looks that attracts people though. Some people just have a wonderful, positive energy or incredible charisma that draws people to them. I work with a man who isn't at all conventionally good looking, but has an incredibly easy going air, a great laugh and people just feel good being around him. Some people will of course attract attention because they are incredibly good looking, but most others attract it because they have something that makes people want to be around them.

The best thing you can do is be really happy and enthused about life, passionate about something and express that to the world, and you will look so much more attractive to everyone around you. But it isn't something you can fake, and the very fact you do compare yourself to a friend and feel down on yourself, means you aren't really that happy with your own lot. If you keep thinking there's something wrong with you because men don't notice you, you'll just give off a beaten down, slightly bitter vibe and it can be offputting (even if you don't realise it).

I agree @todaysdilemma, you can give off vibes if your mental attitude is defeatist. Comparing yourself unfavourably to others isn't going to help either.

I have a friend who's never married and been unhappily single for most of her life. Her outlook on life has attracted a number of married/attached men who have used and abused her. She claims that these are the only men attracted to her. When I tell her these sort of men are attracted to anyone who will put up with their behaviour she's not convinced.

She's an attractive woman but refuses to get out there and find a compatible mate. She is waiting passively for someone to be attracted to her, she doesn't believe she has agency in the choice and therefore does nothing about it. There is always an excuse. I suspect she is actually afraid of intimacy and 'sabotages' herself this way.

Is there a bit of self sabotage going on with you? Would it help to explore with a counsellor?