Feeling stuck

[Prinny83]

Hi,

Can anyone offer some advice.

I'm in an unhappy relationship. I suffer with bad anxiety and have done for 30 years.

I feel 'stuck'.

Scared to stay, scared to leave.

The thought of being alone, the thought of that 'unknown' seems scarier than living as I am now.

Just don't know what to do.

How long have you been in the relationship? Do you live together? Are there children involved? Why are you unhappy? Are you safe?

@girlmom21 Yes, I'm safe.

We have been together 18 years with 3 daughters.

There's been 3/4 years of constant bickering which has increased my anxiety. I hate arguing and try to avoid conflict, so the past 6 months or so, I have avoided saying what I really feel. I feel a bit worn down.

Generally, I just feel more at ease when he's not around.

But I feel very scared at actually leaving.

The thought of being alone will be scary after all this time and the longer you don't do anything about it the harder it becomes.

As the previous poster has asked - are you just unhappy or are you also scared of your partner? Please tell us a little more about your situation and it will be easier to advise.

Can you afford to leave? Is there somewhere you could go? Or would you prefer to ask him to leave?

Do you own or rent? Are you married?

How old are the girls?

So we rent from a housing association. Not married.

The girls are 12, 10 and 8.

It's just a feeling of unhappiness. There is no emotional connection, communication is bad as he's argumentative and is ALWAYS right. So I've given up raising things now. He spends most evenings sat on the opposite sofa playing games on his phone.

He's a good Dad - he dotes over the girls but never shows any affection to me. We are more like room mates now.

I feel withdrawn from my family as he doesn't get on with them (or his own family either).

I feel more relaxed when he isn't around & my anxiety is raised when he's here.

Generally feeling very low

Does your husband know you feel this way and have you ever tried to talk about the problems?

Believe me I felt like this for a long time. I actually got to the point where I started hating my ex and could barely be in the same room as him. It was so scary ending things (we have 2 children) and had just bought a house. But I did it and it was the best decision I ever made.
Only you can reach the point where you need to get out. All I will say is that you are strong enough and you can do it. Eventually it will do wonders for your anxiety.

@rainbowthunder he knows I'm unhappy. We have talked how certain behaviours of his can trigger me off and cause me increased anxiety. Little things like raised voices, him getting angry over little things. But that's just the way he is - he's loud and gets easily offended.

Despite all this, I feel attached to him and am scared to seperate.

@anotherdisaster thanks. Yes the thought of leaving is killing me. Such a massive knot constantly in my stomach 😔

Yes I had that knot for a very long time. I won't lie that it would be easy but you have to compare that spending the rest of your life feeling like this.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Did you grow up in a shouty and otherwise violent home?. What parental example were you shown?.

He is NOT a good dad if he treats you and in turn them like this. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to be with someone like this man as adults, no you would not. Stop further showing them that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

I am wondering if you're codependent in relationships because that state is not doing you any favours either. His needs are not more important than your own.

Re separating if you can further express what is preventing you from leaving then this can be further talked about. Fear of the unknown is a real thing (and he's probably also made you believe that you would not be anyone without him) but surely its better than what you have now which is a shouty man shouting at you and in turn them. I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway.

He doting over his children/being a Disney Dad whilst ignoring you as their mother sends them very mixed messages about relationships. What he is doing here by doing that harms them as well.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you all here.

Were you very young and or perhaps in a bad place yourself when you and he met?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for reply. Yes I grew up in a house when my Dad was physically and verbally assaulting my mother. I used to witness this on a regular basis.

We met when I was very young and going through a tough stage in my life. I was low and vunerable at the time.

I always put his needs first. At times I feel I would rather stay and be unhappy and have a mental breakdown/die before I would leave.

"I always put his needs first. At times I feel I would rather stay and be unhappy and have a mental breakdown/die before I would leave".

If you're unhappy your children will also pick up on your unhappiness too and worst of all perhaps blame themselves for their parents poor relationship. What is actively preventing you from leaving here; if you can express those fears others can help you too.

No-one's ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like and you still do not know now.

You've likely also been taught also by poor parental example to be codependent in relationships but that state is doing you no favours at all. You need to put your own self and in turn your children first now; by staying with him you will further repeat a similar poor relationship example to your kids and so the abuse continues down the generation. Be the person here who breaks that destructive and dysfunctional cycle. Even now you have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Would you be willing and able to contact Womens Aid here; they will listen to what you have to say as well.

@attilathemeerkat

Yes, I would contact woman's aid. I don't feel in any danger.

My main problem is fear. As I suffer with anxiety, it's the fear of being alone. I grew up feeling anxious as a child, so being anxious as an adult how I'm living now, almost feels safer than seperating.

I have constant anxiety. Just started medication.

Is the GP aware that you are seeing abuse at home?. Perhaps not, after all abuse thrives on secrecy and abuse is what you've known most of your life; it feels familiar and otherwise known to you. Medication is not enough here on its own; you need to start talking to trusted people like WA and the GP about your life past and present.

If he decides that what he is doing now to you is not effective enough for any reason he could well start knocking you about.

Your anxiety likely started as a result of seeing domestic violence between your parents, neither of them gave any thought to you at all here. This set of damaging lessons they imparted has carried on till present day and its of no real surprise that you met an abusive man too. You absolutely need to address this because your children could in all likelihood go onto repeat the same in their relationships (like you have done). Be the person here who breaks the cycle of abuse.

Your relationship with this man is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your kids.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no my GP just knows I have anxiety but doesn't know nothing about my history.

He proposed to me many years ago and I said yes. Although with my anxiety and mental state, having children, I kept telling him I didn't feel ready. I wanted to get married and feel really excited about it, rather than feeling anxious and dreading it. So for a long time I kept saying we will do it soon.(He was very keen)

The past couple of years he's been very controlling, angry and has definitely changed from what I fell in love with. After one conversation, he said the reason he's been bitter and mean towards me, is because I've never married him and he's punishing me, saying he feels frustrated as it's what he's always wanted.

So then I started to blame myself. I did after all agree when he proposed, and I've kept him hanging for such a long time.