I should preface this by saying I’ve recently been diagnosed with OCD which may explain my thoughts.
I am really struggling to get over things in the past in my relationship that I cannot get certainty over. I suppose most people would just brush aside any thoughts but I’ve always been astoundingly negative and pessimistic.
To give a random example, 4 years ago, when DH and I started living together in a small flat, one morning I noticed a stain on the bed in his spot. At the time I was thinking “that’s odd, wonder what it is” and I remember where I was stood. I don’t think I was suspicious really because I didn’t do any “checking” behaviours like I always have done. Later, in 2018 I wrote a note to myself that I became worried about this stain because I saw what fake tan looks like on white sheets and it kind of reminded me of that. This note was written months after the event because I’d just thought of the possibility it was suspicious. I am thinking about it again recently after 4 years and this was triggered by a random Instagram advert as a meme for a tanning company about fake tan on white sheets. I will never know what the stain was, or whether it was fake tan (I didn’t use fake tan and It was not an obvious fake tan stain - more what you’d expect on days old tan from sweat rather than fresh tan - I think) I have no reason to believe another woman was in my home. There was about 2-3 hours the day of the stain where DH would have been home (but texting me) and I was on my way home - if I am remembering correctly (if he had been on annual leave I think I’d be suspicious)
Part of the issue is I will never know as I didn’t take any pictures / notes at the time. I don’t remember it well enough, it has just stuck in my mind.
I get these thoughts about random things, most of the time I can get certainty over a thought but sometimes I can’t. This has been the way my brain worked since before my relationship with DH.
However, DH has been caught in the past crossing the line - he was using online chat rooms which I read all the messages on and he came clean (when caught). But the very clear line here was that it was cyber / identity hidden. No physical or emotional side. But I was suspicious for a while and some of my overthinking and uncertain thoughts became certain once I discovered this and helped me to actually find it all out - you know those things that play on your mind? But equally a lot of the thoughts haven’t worked.
I’ve been through therapy. I know I won’t leave DH over any of these thoughts of uncertainty (the example I have given is the only one that could relate to cheating - the others are just more centred around what ifs).
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you just get over things that you’ll never know the full story to? Is it just an issue I’ll never over come?