27, never had a boyfriend and all my friends are starting to get engaged

[SoSingle]

I'm 27 and have never had a boyfriend. I'm really shy and have always felt really ugly and unattractive, and I also have a lot of shame around love/relationships. I have completely closed myself off from it all, telling myself I'll eventually get around to dating, like it has to be on hold indefinitely until I have lose weight and developed a new personality(!)

My friends are starting to get engaged and I'm really happy for them, but it makes me heart drop and I realise it's something I want and have been repressing.

I get sad walking past the baby section in the shops now, it just feels like it'll never happen.

I don't know what to do. It feels like I'll never be able to catch up and 'be normal'.

Well, you need to act - so go see a therapist - as you clearly feel it goes quite deep.

Don’t sit around too long either, you need to get out and get dating. Talking through things is good, but don’t let it replace action.

Don’t start too much mooning about babies. If you want a family it would be sensible to get on and find a partner, but your biological clock isn’t ticking yet. Focus on sorting your self out and building a relationship for the next couple years.

Youve got a few years before you need to worry about kids but agree you need to try dating. How about joining a gym? You'll lose weight,meet people and build your confidence

Relationships and babies are not the be all and end all. In fact they make plenty of people miserable (as you can see on this site).

You need to stop defining yourself by these parameters and actually get on and enjoy life. Have fun, do things, go places and be happy. You don't need to go to the gym unless you want to and don't live your life with the sole aim of getting into a relationship. Having fun and enjoying life will lead to confidence and a relationship if you want one in due course.

Going out to look for a relationship is the wrong way around.

And don't worry, your mates will soon be miserable and divorced!

l always think you are always right where you should be in life at any given stage but you don't often realise it until further on down the line. Its hard to see the full picture when your just stood holding one piece of the puzzel.
l would read up everything you can on self worth, self esteem and self confidence, it will open up alot of new doors.

I totally get the 'get on and enjoy life' while single, that's how I've spend my entire adult life so far. I just figured I was asexual and would be single forever. It's only my reaction to seeing friends get engaged that has made me feel a pang. I know I've been telling myself I don't want a partner because it's easier and 'safer' to be single.

I know I'll wake up in 5, 10, 20, 30 years down the line so regretful if I don't do something.

So what is one small step that you can take today that will move you closer to reaching your goal? X

Growing up what messages did you receive about relationships and dating?

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Growing up what messages did you receive about relationships and dating?

When I was 6 a boy sent me a Valentine's Day card and my parents teased me so much about it I burst into tears and would dread Valentine's Day every year as a child in case I received another card

As a teenager, a boy fancied me and it was made to be a huge deal in my year group, I received a love letter from him and my friend stole it out of my bag and showed it to everyone. I was really shy and remember that week I could hear my name being mentioned by people whispering about it. I can laugh it off now but I remember how embarrassing I found it, I remember I couldn't eat for around a week as I was so stressed about it (which sounds ridiculous but I was a painfully shy 15 year old at the time).

My parents' marriage is awful. They are both toxic for each other and it's incredibly dysfunctional. My Dad is controlling and emotionally abusive. However they are so enmeshed and tangled with really complicated life circumstances that it is pretty impossible for them to separate and they never would. I've never seen my parents hold hands or hug or show any kind of affection. I guess I don't want to be trapped like my DM is, but I know she was a lot more naive than me when she was my age, as she didn't see the red flags.

Oh my goodness - this is all related to your challenges now.

You have to learn relationships from scratch - gain self esteem, self-worth and confidence. Maybe therapy? Read dating books. I had a bad upbringing, too. It is a hard thing to over come.

Op you are still young, you do have time on your side. Honestly start working on yourself, start some therapeutic journalling (Google it).

Take a year or so to figure out who you are, and match your main 3 goals to a plan of what needs to happen to get there.

You need to value yourself for you before a partner/marriage/kids/ the works comes along. Nothing exposes your flaws like motherhood. Get in a good place first.

You are not your parents, your life will not be their life.

I really believe you can do it! Make some changes, take some appropriate risks (a new course, a new town, volunteer...but it has to be authentic to you)

Sorry it's cheesy but I live by the phrase "be the change you want to see" (or something?!)

I was there, at 27, friends getting married, moving on (me panicking with every wedding invite I got) my folks had a troubled, codependent relationship which was screwing me up. Its a real bitch, it is.

But I did some of the above suggestions, and ten years on I've got a dh,DC,finished uni...I'm still working on the life plan but it's doable.