How do I get over him?

[RobertClementHughes]

We had an amazing connection and he "got me" like nobody ever, ever has before. Felt like coming home being with him.

But, we had very different parenting styles and when, after a good long time, we eventually introduced our children to each other and tried to have the odd day out where we were 2 family units it just didn't work. I ended it 6 months ago. We had been together for 3 years and my/his children had known us for 1.5.

I know I have done the right thing for my children, I don't regret it as they will always come first.

I can't stop wondering how he is, hoping he is well and that life is treating him fairly, missing the bones of him and his company. Just the feeling of actually having someone who accepted me for who I am and loved every bit of who I was, he was a very happy and safe place for me.

How do I get over that?

You said you introduced your children only after a long time so could you go back to that and have a relationship separate from them until they are older you sound like you miss him terribly

That’s a tough situation @RobertClementHughes. I guess I have some questions.

1. Why did the fact that the children together didn’t get on mean you had to split up?
2. What was he/ you looking for out of a relationship? Dating with children (especially on both sides) that pre date the relationship is difficult. Was he looking for one big happy family? Were you?
3. who ended it? What was the straw that broke the camels back?

Finally what stands out is that you say he was your safe place. That’s really very powerful (and you’ve given him a lot of power). Are you happy within yourself? Are you your own safe place?

I will add. I’ve recently ended a 5 year on/ off relationship with someone. Ultimately our needs around our respective children / notion of family were poles apart. So I have huge empathy.
I miss him too (even though I don’t want to) - I too have resolutely put my children and myself first. But it’s not easy.

Why don’t you date and keep the families sep ?

*separate

@sassbott your situation sounds very very similar. Our ideas and expectations around family life were very different, the approach to rules and standards were poles apart and whilst there were a great many outstandingly good things my dc could have learned from him and his dc (they live with him full time and are older than mine) there were also a number of things that they as a family were just so so different on that it would never have worked trying to blend together.

@GoodnightGrandma he wanted the full works, move in/blend family/ marriage and I didnt want that for my kids. It's not that he was a bad role model as he is the most outstandingly good hearted person that I've ever known, the goodness just shone out of him like a beacon to me, but his ways as a parent were so much earthier than mine that it would have been a car crash. I didnt always want to have to be the grown up and be pointing out where his methods might not work for my family, (including one of my dc who has additional needs) or mine for his.

I have a little dream in my head that when our children are all older that we meet again and have the house and wedding and roses round the door. But it just isn't practical now. And I felt like I was always holding that dream just out of reach for him because he wanted it so much and I didnt. It caused quite a bit of resentment in our relationship because what I could offer was never quite enough.

I ended it because he wanted more than I could ultimately give him at the moment. It was a very strange push/pull feeling.

He was my safe place in that in that I felt like I belonged with him. It was like having held my breath for my entire life and then finally breathing out when I met him. Which sounds so silly when written down.

Sorry thats long. I really do love him very much and miss him terribly. I hoped that after 6 months it would be easier but it really isn't and i cry often when i hear a song that reminds me of him or see a meme that I know he'd laugh at or something else stupidly minor in my daily life. Yesterday it was because someone in bloody morrisons had his aftershave on and the smell was just so painfully lovely!

Sorry @sassbot that its hard for you too.

Can you not date and not do the full blended family thing? Could even extend to a few days out/holidays as two separate families without needing to move in together/move the kids in together?

Gosh that sounds very hard @RobertClementHughes. I must say I admire your resolve and that you’ve put your kids first.

I think that because his ex isn't around, his dc have a fairly straightforward view of the world. I.e. that dads girlfriend and her family are part of their family. Which is lovely!

However my exh and I remain on very good terms and truly try to coparent. We are happy in each others company eg school events family occasions like bdays and Christmas- he really does feel like a brother and I am grateful that we have such a good relationship. But whilst it is close around the children, it isn't my most meaningful relationship- that was with exbf. And so I think exbf (rather than exh! Too many exes haha) and his dc felt unsure of their role as "family" because my dc already had that sense of a family units even if it wasn't under the same roof.

This always caused friction, even though I wasn't trying to blend things together.

My heart goes out to you OP. But how lovely to hear from a woman who has put centred her children throughout. Your insight and wisdom shines through.

This is heartbreaking! What if he is missing you too? Why not meet up and have a chat, perhaps he also would be ok to compromise?

@RobertClementHughes yes our situations are very similar.

My exp also wanted more. He wanted the messy family, the togetherness etc. I did not, and there were reasons why. Firstly it would not have worked for my children, it wasn’t in their best interests. Secondly the ‘parenting’ needs of his children were very different from mine and my children. It was a very odd dynamic that I simply didn’t want in my home/ around my children.

The push/ pull you talk about was a constant in the final years of our relationship. As was increasing resentment, on both our parts. His that I didn’t want to be more involved with his children (he viewed it as complete rejection of them). Resentment grew on my part that he couldn’t focus on the adult portion of our relationship, without the ‘child’ part constantly undermining / eroding the core stability.

Ultimately when two people want such different things from a relationship, it becomes fundamentally unworkable (and miserable if carried on for too long).

My relationship ended when I didn’t make an effort to see his children on his weekend contact. At the time, I even thought to myself ‘see them for a few hours, make the effort otherwise you’re going to get the backlash re this.’

And I did, within days. About how his needs were not being met within the relationship. Nothing had happened. The only thing was I hadn’t said ‘yes bring your kids over’. I ended it days later.

It is hard but I know I’ve done the right thing. I have no regrets as my children are much happier (they did not want to spend weekends with his children). And ultimately my life is more peaceful without the push/ pull. I also think my ex has every right to go find someone to build his ‘family’ with.

I didn’t need that. My family is my children and I. I was very happy for an adult to augment that from time to time, separate from the children.

Ultimately neither he or I were in the wrong. But I stand by my decision and he can go and find the partner who’s needs are the same as his. Hopefully I can do the same.

My DC also have a ‘family’ with my exh. We co-parent very amicably with 60/40 split. They are secure in their ‘core’ and needed no external add ons.

It’s interesting actually. When you posted that your exbf felt unsure of his role, I have realised my ex also struggled with this. Because of how much my exh parented our children between us.

I think it’s a disparity between ‘family’ (why these men were trying to create with another woman) vs ‘adult partnership’ where the core roles are of adult intimate partner, in parallel to the two separate ‘families.’

Very interesting.

It is incredibly sad but it is definitely the right thing to do.

But...how the effing eff do I move on?!

I went on a date. It was awful because it wasn't him. It could have been Tom Hardy and it still would have felt all wrong. I shouldn't have gone because I knew that I wasn't interested, I was just trying to force myself to get over him. Which totally backfired as it made me miss him more and I of course felt awful that I had wasted my dates time too!

Wish I could just pack up my feelings and put them in a little box at the back of the wardrobe, and when I come across them in 5 years when I'm sorting stuff out I can look at them and say oh do you remember that RobertClementHughes- gosh that was ages ago wasn't it, such a difficult time for you but they don't feel the same now do they? And pop them in the bin without a thought.

Have you had any counselling? I am currently in therapy to help me move forward (vs reconciling because I miss him).

@sassbott yes! So very similar. Parenting needs were very different. And the messy togetherness, I would be delighted for that if it was just he and I, but not with our 5 dc thrown into it. Too messy and complicated.

We were like vhs and betamax- neither way was wrong, just not compatible!

No counselling yet but I have thought about it. Just seems a bit self indulgent when it was my decision to end things!

@RobertClementHughes I don’t think it’s self indulgent. None of these scenarios (even coparenting with amicable ex’s) is easy. It all takes work. Trying to then navigate/ figure out intimacy/ adult relationships in amongst it all is hard. We’ve both let someone in again only for it to fail again (albeit for the right reasons).

But getting support to process it all and continue to move forward I think is much healthier.
I’m back out dating, my heart isn’t in it. But I’m being very honest with the men i meet (don’t want to hurt anyone) and putting zero pressure on myself or ‘dating’. Counselling is helping me navigate that too.

I've made it clear to my boyfriend that I don't want to live together whilst my kids are still living at home. So that's at least another 8 years.

I don't think it is fair on my kids. I don't mind him and his kids joining us sometimes but I want my kids to have relaxing times in their own home with just family. Their dad's gf is always at their dad's house.

Plus I like my own space too and don't want the hassle of different ideas on tidiness, not pulling weight etc like I've had in previous relationships.

This way we just get the good bits of a relationship without the basic bits.

Surely being together when your kids are with their dad is fine?

@Momijin he wants so much more than this though, he has a very different sense of family. He wants us all to be a family unit but my children already have that and this created a lot of resentment.

Maybe counselling is the way to go as I just can't seem to move on. I can't imagine ever having the connection with anyone else like we had and to be honest I don't want it. I just want to work out how to be without him but content :(