son's mother in law/DiL's mother

[slobberydog]

Help me know how to get this right.
DS married lovely woman two years ago. Because DiL's mother is on her own we invited her and the young ones to Christmas twice in a row. All seemed well. Then six months into marriage DiL and her mother had a terrible row. DS was involved (turns out mother never really liked DS, and probably doesn't like men in general, possibly for good reason). Anyway, DS waded in because he was protective of his new wife. Turns out there were many issues in DiL's childhood involving her mum.
Anyway - they are now largely estranged. I'm not looking to be best buddies with DiL's mum, but the whole situation saddens me. I'm a mum and it would kill me if one of my children went non comm with me.
Question is, do I send DiL's mum a christmas card? It seems like a trivial question, but I feel there's much hanging on it. DiL and DS have told me their side of the feud but I've never heard mother's side. She lives hundreds of miles away. And other doesnt know how much I know.
My instinct is to do nothing; dion't send a card, don't talk about the big problems. Because mum DS and his wife (who I think is lovely) are front and centre of this spat. But am I right?

Don’t do anything. I would, personally, view it as nothing to do with you. My DC and her Mum used to always row, DP would play peacemakers, and then when they made up they’d both gang up against DP. Better to stay unengaged and unevolved

Thanks/ I get that. And that is my instinct. Do nothing. But my heart breaks for her when it's DiL's birthday and christmas and things like that. DS and DiL are coming to us at Christmas and I plan to keep their presence off of social media because I just don't want to make her feel worse!

I would send a card. You are not taking sides - you are being pleasant

If you usually send a card then I would

why not just ask them if they would mind?

doing so behind their backs seems a bit sneaky - unless they already know you exchange cards and are ok with it

Send a card and tell them you've sent one. Their argument isn't yours and it's best to keep out of it. They'll most likely make peace with MIL anyway, so if you don't send a card she'll see you as taking sides.

You could wait to see whether you get a card from her. Your DIL might have real reason not to be speaking to her mum or she might not - unless you are dead sure which it is, I think I'd just wait to see what her mum does now.

If someone “doesn’t like my DS”

I sure as heck wouldn’t be inclined to send them a Christmas card

turns out mother never really liked DS, and probably doesn't like men in general, possibly for good reason

Personally I can't imagine being particularly keen on chasing a relationship with someone who didn't like my DS for no other reason that their own issues.

Turns out there were many issues in DiL's childhood involving her mum.

Id listen to this. What your DIL has shared may be the tip of the iceberg.

Personally I think this woman is your acquaintance, not your friend. If the link between you has been broken due to a breakdown in your DiL's relationship with her, then your acquaintance is also over.

@Happy1982ish

If someone “doesn’t like my DS”

I sure as heck wouldn’t be inclined to send them a Christmas card

good point!

@YorkshireIndie

I would send a card. You are not taking sides - you are being pleasant

Not really.

If DIL has reason, lifelng reasons, to cut off her mother it may be that OPs DS has given her the strength to finally cut her off.

Any communication from OP could be viewed very harshly by all concerned for a wide variety of reasons. OP has said she is aware of sme issues if not the details.

@slobberydog stay well out of it, Do nothing that could appear to be taking a side, making a statement of support to MIL. You have no idea what this

But my heart breaks for her when it's DiL's birthday and christmas and things like that. DS and DiL are coming to us at Christmas and I plan to keep their presence off of social media because I just don't want to make her feel worse!

would read like to your DIL, or DS. That you care more for a complete stranger than your son's wife? That you would welcome DIL into your home but be thinking "What about her poor mum, cruel girl"

It won't go well. So you are going to have to do something you don't like. Take a side. Make it that of your DIL. Supoort your DS in supporting his wiofe. If only by your silence and honest intent not to judge her for what she has chosen to do.

You have no real knowledge of what has happened yet all your sympathies do seem to be with MIL. Even knowing she dislikes your own son! To be honest, anyone choosing to read between your lines would assume that "lovely woman" isn't realy how you feel about your DIL.

@slobberydog I definitely wouldn't send a card, I'd keep neutral. If they patch things up, fine start sending cards again but I think I'd be backing right off just now if I was you

I think @HoardingSamphireSaurus makes a very good point about taking sides. If you choose not to 'take a side', you are effectively saying to your DIL and your DS that you distrust their judgement on the decision they have made to go low/no contact with the mother.

I'm a mum and it would kill me if one of my children went non comm with me.

And I'm sure that the vast majority of daughters feel the same about going NC with their mothers. This is almost certainly something that is causing your DIL a great deal of anguish and has come at the end of a very, very long term struggle.

Don't send a card. I realise you would do it with good intentions but really you could start up another argument, more drama or pain for your DIL. If my MIL sent a card to my mother I'd be devastated and feel betrayed.

Sorry but if someone didn't like my DS (assuming he has been reasonable) then I'd be very low contact and wouldn't be bothering with a card (not that I send any anyway!) I'd ignore the situation and not comment on whether they put stuff on social media or not.

Your instincts are correct - Do nothing.
def do not send a card

Thanks all for confirming my instincts. I think a worry too is that I don't know the full details of DiL's reasons, and as someone said, maybe DS has given her the strength to put her foot down.
I'll save the price of a stamp

I would ask them what they would feel comfortable with. I am NC with my mum. Well, actually technically, she is NC with me despite my best efforts to work out a solution and also support her in an unhealthy relationship (she married a man who has admitted to and been convicted of sexually abusing his own children, which she thinks is fine, because he's nice). She doesn't like that I don't think this is fine, so she has stopped speaking to me and blocked me. I would be really hurt if I felt like dh's family was going behind our backs to speak with her. They know what has happened (though not the extent of how screwed up she is and all of the horrible things she has done to us/our dc).

I would expect them to come to me to talk about it. Trying to reach out to her would feel like a slap in the face, like they didn't believe me or didn't think my feelings about the relationship were valid or to be respected. So often people don't ask about what happened or how I'm feeling and I always really appreciate when people actually talk to me about it instead of trying to pretend like it should just be fine and we should all get along.

I am NC with a parent and my in-laws don't know all the details - why would they? It's not something I enjoy discussing and their relationship with him hinges on me, not an independent friendship. If they want to know why we are NC, I would rather they ask than go behind my back and stir up trouble, which sending a card definitely would.

From your DIL's point of view, you are being disloyal to both her and your son if you pursue a relationship with someone they are both happy to have out of their lives.

From the mother's point of view, unsolicited contact from you provides an excuse to pursue further contact with her daughter ('See - Slobbery obviously doesn't think I'm that bad as she's sent me a card), to involve you in their fall-out (if she responds), or just to feel justified in whatever her role was in the falling out.

Why would you even want to do this about someone who doesn't like your son? Surprised that didn't even cross your mind in the first place.

@Restart10

Why would you even want to do this about someone who doesn't like your son? Surprised that didn't even cross your mind in the first place.

I think OP got that memo earlier.

@slobberydog

Thanks all for confirming my instincts. I think a worry too is that I don't know the full details of DiL's reasons, and as someone said, maybe DS has given her the strength to put her foot down. I'll save the price of a stamp

Sounds like a good idea. You really should trust yourself more