What am I doing wrong?!

[DishySip]

I’m now late 30s, turning 37 in January.

I have had a couple of good relationships in my twenties (moved in etc). They ended for pretty tame reasons. Then I started using dating apps more and had a few shorter relationships. One turned out to be married and I was utterly horrified…even now I question how I didn’t know. It took me a while to get over that. Then I was with someone incredibly abusive, which I can see clear as day now, luckily wasn’t with him long. I’ve met some nice people over the years and probably a couple I didn’t pursue who were decent, I wish I had. Another more recent thing I was engaged and he left somewhat out of the blue, absolutely broke me. I took a year or so to get over that, loads of therapy etc.

I then met someone that knocked it out of the park for me. I loved him more than I’d loved anyone. We were together a year or so and he slowly started to say he wanted to wait to move in etc, all in conflict with what he was saying (that he was very in love with me and wanted a future). I don’t know what came over me but I calmly walked away, after a conversation where I said I needed some progression or at least real plans of progression. Turns out it was the right thing to do as I never heard from him again. It’s been 4 months and I’m here swiping away feeling hopeless.

How have I had such a shit background here? Why can’t I find someone right for me? I have therapy, I try and do well at work and personally, I have friends. I just start to feel like after what, 17 years of dating? Why am I still single?

I'm afraid I don't have any answers but I didn't want to read and run.

Maybe try coming off the apps for a while and try to meet someone more organically. Do you have any hobbies, attend any clubs or have friends with single friends?

My friend told me she accepted every invitation when she was single and, although she didn't meet her partner that way, she really expanded her social circle. I'm definitely going to give it a go in the new year

Don't have the answers but you're not alone

You're still single because you think you're doing something wrong.

Let me explain. That 'Is it me??' mechanism is the one that, when somebody wrongs you in a relationship, makes you put it down to your own faults. I'm sure you sometimes think things like 'I'm just being over-sensitive' or 'I'm being too dramatic', when in fact, the person has actually hurt your feelings.

I'd imagine that's how you're missing the signs that would have made you leave your longer relationships much earlier. Which would have left you time to find the right person sooner.

What was your parents' relationship like? Did they listen to and respect each other's feelings? Did they listen to and respect yours, as you were growing up? Probably you've learned somewhere to suppress your feelings, to some extent.

I might be miles off the mark, but if this rings any bells, you're in luck, because it's a quick fix and you have lots of time!