Am I being dramatic?

[Starlight17]

I’m often labelled as dramatic by my DM and DH whenever I disagree with them or want to do something my way not theirs. Tonight is a prime example, it’s getting close to bedtime for DS and he’s watching CBeebies with DM, DD is upstairs brushing her teeth and DH is at the table on his laptop. I say to DH it’s nearly DCs bedtime is he going to come over and sit with us for a bit before they go to bed or is he still working to which he replied he isn’t working but will be over soon (in a snappy tone), so I tell DS it’s nearly time for bed and he proceeds to watch CBeebies and ignore me, which my DM finds amusing and points out that they are both ignoring me. I feel myself start to feel fed up and emotional so I walk out of the room and upstairs to potter around and tell DH to sort out DS for bed. Now to me, I removed myself from the situation so not to sit and cry in front of them all but my DM told me it made her feel uncomfortable (she’s staying with us for a few weeks while her house is being decorated). Now this isn’t the first time she’s told me the way me and DH are surprised her or she didn’t realise we live so separately and aren’t as connected as she expected etc but I can’t help but feel she is adding fuel to the fire. Was I being dramatic? Maybe but her little snigger about them ignoring me probably pushed me over the edge! I feel like she’s revelling in the fact our relationship isn’t perfect but also feel like she likes it when the DC ignore / disrespect me and surely that’s not right?! I think there’s a bit of toxicity there and she was very controlling of me when I was a child but as I got older and got my own voice / plans for myself she didn’t really like it. Not sure if my issue is with DM or DH and DC as I’m feeling a bit taken for granted at home the moment and not sure what to do to turn the tables a bit - if I’m not just being dramatic that is!

I think you reaction sounds like a reflection of your you feel generally about your relationship and your mums comments just rubbed salt in the wound.

If this was a one off incident of your DH and dc ignoring I’d say you were being over dramatic but I suspect your actually feeling a bit low about things in general?

Yes not my life (I feel great at work and have some lovely friends) but probably my relationship and how I’m treated by DC and DH at home. It’s always worse when someone close notices when things aren’t right I suppose.

I think it’s an odd thing to want to cry about. But I’d have left the room too… more out of if they cba, neither can i

I think you've learned from your relationship with your Mum when you were a kid that the way she treats you (which isn't always that nice) is what love looks like, so you've looked for and found a partner who makes you feel the same way: shit.

Your feelings are your feelings. They are precisely the right level of dramatic for you. If anybody says they're too dramatic, what they're saying is that you're being too dramatic for their preferences. It's not a fact. It's not that they know what the 'right' level of dramatic is, and you don't, and they get to tell you how you should be, if only you knew how to 'do life'. It's their opinion. How dare they tell you you're too much anything, when there are no rules or guidelines on how we're supposed to be? Why do they think they know better than you about who and how you should be?

Be you, OP. Sometimes dramatic, sometimes calm, sometimes sensitive, sometimes solid as a rock, sometimes soft, sometimes harsh, and all in the exact proportions that make you you. You are the one who gets to decide if you're over dramatic or over-anything else.

So, a yes or no question for you: Do YOU think you were over dramatic?

Well - just going on what you have written - you do sound like you are making a 'thing' when there isn't one, so, from that one thing you have described, yes, it does sound like you are being dramatic.

I don't understand why you wanted your dh to come and sit and watch children's TV when there were already two adults sitting with him ?
Plus, he didn't ignore you, he replied.
Then, you were giving your ds a 'countdown' or warning. It was a piece of information not a question nor instruction, so there wasn't really anything for him to respond to.

You Mum sounds like she is trying to stir - which is what I would be tackling - but this
Now to me, I removed myself from the situation so not to sit and cry in front of them all but my DM told me it made her feel uncomfortable sounds completely over the top, yes

I don’t know about dramatic but the whole episode sounds uncomfortable.

The question to your husband, based on your phrasing, sounded passive aggressive bordering on critical. Then he reacted badly by snapping. Your mother called out the resulting atmosphere. Then you walked off.

That’s quite the dynamic.

I agree about picking a partner like my mum - I always say this! It’s the whole, they can have feelings and get emotional or annoyed but my feelings (when like this) aren’t valid to them? As I’ve gotten older I’ve questioned if I’m like they say I am (dramatic) or whether someone else would react like me to this dynamic. It may sound trivial to some of you, getting upset because kids aren’t listening or DH is being snappy but it really got me down and I’m not sure why.

“which my DM finds amusing and points out that they are both ignoring me.”

I think you felt like your mum was gloating and it made you feel small and ineffectual. Is that right? If so, it’s not surprising you left the room so you wouldn’t cry in front of everyone.

It will get you down because it's been pissing you off since the minute you were born! Trivial irritations get less and less trivial the longer we put up with them. And these irritations have basically had you suppressing the feeling 'I don't matter to you, do I?' since you were tiny. That's no small thing.

Isn't there a bit inside you that's absolutely screaming 'WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME???!!!!'

You need to stand up for yourself!

A) next time she does something like this tell her firmly 'no mum, it's bed time for DC, stop encouraging DC to ignore me'. You need to call her out there and then. But to avoid being called dramatic, your tone needs to be firm, but matter of fact, not emotional. Balanced, and confident. Like casually 'time to turn the telly off in 5 mins... ' and work towards moving DC towards getting ready for bed. End of.

B) how old is DC ? Assuming if watching CBeebies he's still young. Don't blame him for the situation. I have a 3.5 year old who since starting preschool in September has started speaking rudely to me and DH, ignoring me when asked to turn telly off etc. They're just pushing boundaries. Don't take it personally. And don't hold a grudge. Remember this is your parenting at play, you need to stand up for that. Not walk away. Take control of the telly/bed time situation calmly in front of your mum to show her that her behaviour isn't bothering you.

C) sounds like you feel unsupported by your DH. You need to talk to him about this away from your mum and tell him how you needed him to support you in front of your mum instead of being snappy. Explain frankly that you feel this is playing nicely into her hands and she can see cracks in your partnership and that basically she's enjoying adding fuel to the fire... again doesn't need to be an argument or 'dramatic'. You're cool and collected... but you need to tell him honestly what you think is happening here... and if he doesn't take your side then you know you have a deeper problem in your marriage. Which from your post, I suspect you may have/may already know ?

If this were me I'd tell my mum where to get off. Tell her you want her help not her meddling. You know very well what she's up to, so tell her so!

To add I have a manipulative mum and something from your post, perhaps the fact that you have mentioned she was controlling, sounds like your mum could be a bit manipulative and divisive too... hence why you shouldn't stand for it. What mum stays in your home and undermines your parenting in front of DC and criticises your marriage in a non constructive way ?

Your reaction is OTT, but is this because you are not too thrilled with how things are at home. It seems odd you’d ask your DP to come sit with your son if your mum is already with him, are you conscious of your family feeling separated.

Your mother does sound like a goady bitch. Does she also have plus points?

So I would, try and stay calm while your mother is staying. If she is goady pull her up on it, then walk away. Let things be a bit for an easy life - don’t feel you have to play happy families to impress her.

Once your mum has gone, then think about the bigger picture. (And avoid having the woman to stay in future.)

You're not dramatic, it's painful organising another adult.

DM is very unfair, she should mind her own business.

Have a serious chat with both of them, the drama label is shutting you down, tell them firmly you don't want to hear it again.

If they use it again don't speak to them at all until they get it.

I don't think you're being dramatic at all. Different things bother different people. I wouldn't have liked this either

I agree about picking a partner like my mum - I always say this! It’s the whole, they can have feelings and get emotional or annoyed but my feelings (when like this) aren’t valid to them? As I’ve gotten older I’ve questioned if I’m like they say I am (dramatic) or whether someone else would react like me to this dynamic.

I think you've nailed it right here.

Your mum said to you "Both of them are ignoring you", and that made you feel uncomfortable for two reasons - 1. your DH didn't pick up on this fact and say "Oh sorry, I was a bit wrapped up in what I was doing" and come over and join you, which is what you might expect a normal, empathetic person to do and 2. your mum made this unkind observation with a sense of glee, which you would not expect a normal, empathetic person to do, particularly your mum!

So you're right, you're not off. Both of them are off. And then when you were understandably upset by their offhand treatment of you and did quite a sensible thing by removing yourself from their company (distancing yourself... not really dramatic unless there was a lot of loud huffing and banging things as you went), you're told off by your mum for 'making her uncomfortable'.

This is particularly interesting as the reason she was uncomfortable would have been that deep inside, she knew you went away because she hurt your feelings. But she doesn't want to admit that to you (or possibly even herself), so instead she directs the uncomfortable feeling she's having (caused by her own mean behaviour) outwards, towards you, by blaming you for 'making her' feel that way.... without reflecting on the fact that she had just made YOU uncomfortable first.

Now, if your mum and DH have a tendency to treat you poorly and ignore your feelings, nothing will change as long as you ignore THEIR behaviour. You need to speak up and call it out by expressing your feelings.

The way to do it not to have a go at them... like saying sarcastically "Oh THANKS GUYS FOR TOTALLY IGNORING ME, GUESS I'LL JUST GO AWAY THEN" or bursting into tears and saying "WHY DO YOU GUYS IGNORE ME ALL THE TIME" because that would be dramatic.

Instead, a different way to handle it might have been to take a breath and say in a calm voice, "DH, I don't enjoy being ignored until you decide you're ready to do bedtime. So please do it when you're ready. Mum, you sounded a bit gleeful when you pointed out I was being ignored, which is something I could see quite well for myself, and I find that hurtful."

Your mum may well have told you that you were being dramatic or making a big deal out of nothing, she didn't have a mean tone etc, in which case the thing to do would be trust your own perception, remember that you can't make her care about your feelings if she doesn't want to and stick to your own truth. "Well, my perspective is different but I see that you don't want to consider that. I'm going to take some time by myself."

If she then has a go at you for 'making her uncomfortable', by leaving, you could say, "I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable. I also feel uncomfortable with how you behaved towards me and how you then disregarded how I felt. So I think some space is best."

Obviously the same exact situation won't come up again, but you can see in the alternative scenario how you 1. speak up honestly and bravely about your feelings, 2. don't doubt your own experience because someone shows you that they don't care much for your feelings or tries to shift the focus onto you by telling you that you're being some way that you're not (dramatic), and 3. behave respectfully towards others (not lowering yourself to their standards) while standing up for yourself.

@MotherWifePainterSlob

You do sound a bit dramatic tbh. Your mothers comments about them both ignoring you was probably just a light hearted jab about how alike father and son were. Same with her “taking pleasure” in your kids ignoring/disobeying you. She’s probably just having a little fun because she knows exactly how that feels, honestly I would laugh off the same (or even find it kind of funny if I wasn’t too stressed) from my DM and not think to be offended by it.

Your husband was a bit short with you but that’s coupled life sometimes isn’t it? No biggie. Certainly no worth posting about.

A light-hearted jab. Isn’t that a contradiction in terms?

Maybe your dm wouldn’t seek to offend you.

It sounds like you've basically married another version of your own dreadful sounding mother. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what she taught you. And in turn what are you teaching your kids about relationships now.

How long will it take for her house to be decorated?. A few weeks of her being around will further drive you to distraction.

You've written about him at some length before now too.
And you are with this man because.....

Hard to tell with so little to go on, but you are clearly feeling resentful.
As to the specific situation you described - by itself it was OTT.
There was no need to have all of the adults watching CBBs with the small child. GM and you were already there. Trying to make your H also come and join was not necessary. And if I were him - I’d also just pottered about on a computer.
Him not coming over when you demanded - was NOT him ignoring you. He is an adult and can make his own decisions.

Little child not stopping ti watch cartoons when asked - totally normal. And has nothing to do with ignoring you either.

You storming off and feeling close to crying in that situation - yes, dramatic and unnecessary.

But whatever is going on to make you feel this way - it’s hard to tell. Maybe you are justified. Maybe not.

Thank you all for your replies. I posted on here as I know a lot of you give sensible advice that I can proactively put into practice and it’s good to have an outside opinion from people that don’t know us directly i.e. friends or other family members. I do need to get better at dealing with these situations because my DS is 4 and my DD is 7 and I don’t want them to think it’s normal to treat mummy like this (although DD was upstairs at the time, I can count numerous times I’ve been made to feel small / contradicted in front of her particularly in my mums presence when she thinks she knows best). I’m quite good at saying thank you for your advice but I’m going to do it like x,y,z but it does end up like I’m in the wrong for not taking it on and my DM needs to get her own back, like with snide comments or gloating when things like this happen. Like someone said this has probably been going on for a while and is coming to a head now as this is probably the first time I’ve said anything like this out loud (or written down) that shows me I need to address some of this behaviour. With DH our relationship often feels strained and distant so I asked him to come over 1. To engage with DS and us all a little before bed (he had been working all day and hardly looked up) and 2. Maybe it was to put on a united front in front of DM who has mentioned before how separate we seem as a family and how surprised she was and this was probably playing on my mind a bit. It was not for DH to watch cartoons with DS but more to engage a bit with him and us all quite frankly. I do not at all blame a 4 year old for being wrapped up in cartoons that’s what they are like but what gets me is instead of my DM supporting the situation and saying ‘darling mummy is speaking to you’ etc she makes a snide comment and gloats in it. That’s the problem I think.

You are right I have written on here about my DH before and it is time for me to think seriously about whether our marriage has a future. Sad to say I don’t see myself getting much support from DM if I decide it doesn’t and we definitely couldn’t move in with her! 2 weeks and counting until she is back in her own home.