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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After 2 years, anyone else finding it a struggle?

7 replies

Littlepieceofnothing · 06/12/2021 20:56

DH and I have been together for almost a decade and have always been incredibly independent, think busy jobs and hobbies taking up a lot of free time. Since covid began we’ve obviously spent a lot more time together. He now wfh exclusively and I tend to go into the office once, maybe twice a week.

We have very different working styles, my job is full on and requires a lot of concentration, whereas his is a lot more 9-5. He’ll often waltz into my office and start talking to me without any regard to what I’m doing, it’s like being near the office chatterbox 24/7.

He’s great around the house, brings me a coffee each morning and cooks dinner most nights, yet seemingly can’t make any decisions for himself so everything seems to be an endless inane conversation and then 20mins later he’ll do the opposite of what we’d discussed as he “doesn’t remember what we’ve agreed”. There’s also the usual irritations like leaving the lights on, which would normally irk me but are now causing major frustrations. I just feel like I’m turning into his mum rather than his wife these days.

Hygiene seems to also have gone downhill, and exercise is non-existent, whereas I’m still trying to eat healthily, shower daily and try to exercise most days.

I’m just finding life such a chore and feeling really claustrophobic and don’t know what to do. I love him dearly but desperately long to have some time apart where I can just be without feeling I need to have all the answers for him.

Please tell me I’m not alone in craving the old normal?

OP posts:
nocnoc · 07/12/2021 02:29

You’re not alone. It reeks like a real struggle at the moment. WFH is killing my marriage

Elbie79 · 07/12/2021 04:35

Can you go into the office more frequently OP?

Otherwise it's a loving, but firm, chat with DH isn't it?

YourenutsmiLord · 07/12/2021 05:31

Can you both join a gym then once he's got into it (hopefully) go at different times - he needs to mix with other people.

Fairycake2 · 07/12/2021 13:20

I was about to say exactly the same as @Elbie79

Definitely try and go into the office Mote often. I've found it really helps, albeit for different reasons

Littlepieceofnothing · 07/12/2021 19:56

So glad I’m not alone. I feel so ungrateful as on the face of it we have a great life, but I do just need some space sometimes. I went into the office today and it was like a breath of fresh air so definitely going to start going in a bit more. Gym is tricky as we live quite rurally and I work long hours, but might see what’s about nearby.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 07/12/2021 21:46

I assume you have tried telling him this in the same way you have written it? So in a non judgemental. factual way e. the different working styles, what you need for a working environment, why you find the interruptions difficult to handle. And have you asked for a change and listened to his perspective on it. Is he feeling lonely, struggling to concentrate, not enjoying his job, feeling a bit less important because you are so busy and engaged in your job(sounds like he isn't) and it's all more obvious when you are WFH than when you are at the office.

I you can have an honest conversation and say what you need to change, then maybe he can give you more space and stop being irritating, whilst you can acknowledge whatever it is causing him to behave like this. (Yes the constant interruptions and chatter would annoy me too!)

For example can you ask and get agreement from him about times he leaves you alone, that he saves up his questions etc, but you agree to have lunch together twice a week or a coffee at 3pm or whatever.

As for the hygiene and exercise have you broached that? Again in a non-confrontational way but with your own needs also expressed. So for example "I've noticed you are not showering daily. I prefer you clean and smelling nice. Plus I worry it means you are not taking care of yourself as much as you did. Is that something you can make more effort to do daily?"

If there is one thing I have learnt from various (unsuccessful) relationships is to be calmly assertive about my own needs without making it seem I am judging the other person's behaviour (even if I secretly am) or trying to change them (even if I would quite like to).

Pascal80 · 08/12/2021 01:27

I feel you, OP.
Your husband sounds like a sweetheart but also like he is in a bit of a rut. I don't know what to suggest except that maybe he takes up walking / running or something? I bought my husband a step counter (pedometer) It has really helped - he gets out every day now. He is chatterbox central and was getting a bit down with just me for company (we are very rural as well) Mine l lost his job as the company went under due to Covid (Ents company) which makes it so much worse.
I know what you mean about ''having to have all the answers for him".
I feel such pressure to pull some money in and make life normal but nothing is normal.
I have a strong feeling that "normal" is a couple of years away at least and somehow we have to find a way to keep going.

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