He just says he loves me.

[NoNameHere12]

I’m going to try and keep this short.

Been with my partner for 16 years. We have 2 kids together. It obviously didn’t start out that way but now it feels like a loveless relationship.

He never shows any affection and never wants to spend time with me.

I feel lonely and have done for a long time.

I’ve bought this up so many times with him, asked him if he can even remember the last time he told me he loved me or gave me a cuddle. He can’t.

But now it’s getting ridiculous, he has started to get angry with me for saying I feel lonely. He gets mad and ignores me or tells me that yes, it’s always him in the wrong, but can’t tell me what I can do to make him love me again. His just getting angry about it, like I have an audacity to raise it! He says that I think his a looser, which I don’t obviously, I just want him to love me.

He is actually a great guy, and a great dad, everyone loves him as he really is nice, and I love him too, but I feel he doesn’t love me.

He just says he does and that should be it. Sounds like his over trying to change back to how he used to be years ago.

Is just saying “you know I love you enough”?

Are we doomed?

Words are pretty meaningless if actions don’t match it. ‘I love you’ is not a magical phrase that fulfills people needs and desires.

He says he loves you. Well, so what? Do you feel loved? Does he make you feel special? Is this a fulfilling relationship? Words are easy to say. How do his actions make you feel?

My friend bought me “Attached” which is an interesting read with a dynamic like this.

How come you aren’t married?

Does he see it as ‘just a piece of paper’ or is there another reason?

but can’t tell me what I can do to make him love me again.
What a sad thing to read. You're willing to change because he won't. I'm sorry, but I think it's doomed because he sees no need to improve as you seem desperate to accept things as they stand, rather than end a relationship where you feel unloved.

@Suprima
Your question cuts like a knife.

At first I didn’t want to get married, no one in my family was married, I was young at 19 and nieve and thought it was “just a piece of paper”. When I was 21 and fell pregnant with our first I made it clear that I would like to get married. We had a mortgage, baby in the way, then saved for a house- so we never had the extra money for a wedding as he didn’t want to get married without a big party to celebrate (yes, I know I’m an idiot and fell for it)

More years passed then we was not going to have a party and nothing happened, more time passed then I said I would arrange a ceremony in the local register office, covid hit, then after we didn’t have the money again, now with covid continuing I have no money. His never proposed. I’ve got friends who were single and now married within the time we have been together.

I don’t think we will ever get married now if I’m honest.

He's angry because you are supposed to be quiet, not bother him and not want or need anything from him.

I'm really sorry to say I laughed a little reading your op, because I was with someone just like this. Once I read the opening I knew what would follow. I deserved better then and you deserve better now.

Everyone liked my ex but he made a shit partner. I doubt your partner is nice. He is most likely to just putting that on for show. Whilst people serve his ego, he is happy.

My current partner says he loves me about 5 times a day but even if he didn't, I would know because of the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, how often he thinks of me etc. Love is to be said and felt. If it's not felt than it's not there.

OP your relationship has just naturally come to the end. You are different people now and dont suit each other anymore. Just because he is a nice guy to everyone else doesnt mean you have to stay with him. You got together young, it happens to many relationships when you grow apart. Dont flog a dead horse, it isn't worth it. You need to look at what you want in your life and how to go about getting it as it wont be from your partner.

[quote NoNameHere12]@Suprima
Your question cuts like a knife.

At first I didn’t want to get married, no one in my family was married, I was young at 19 and nieve and thought it was “just a piece of paper”. When I was 21 and fell pregnant with our first I made it clear that I would like to get married. We had a mortgage, baby in the way, then saved for a house- so we never had the extra money for a wedding as he didn’t want to get married without a big party to celebrate (yes, I know I’m an idiot and fell for it)

More years passed then we was not going to have a party and nothing happened, more time passed then I said I would arrange a ceremony in the local register office, covid hit, then after we didn’t have the money again, now with covid continuing I have no money. His never proposed. I’ve got friends who were single and now married within the time we have been together.

I don’t think we will ever get married now if I’m honest.[/quote]
Then I think it’s clear your partner isn’t a good guy. You have made it very clear this is something that is important to you- he doesn’t want to marry you. Apply this to all of your other problems, lack of love, lack of affection- he knows you are unhappy, he doesn’t want to make you happy. He doesn’t love you in the way that you love him- you have given him a lovely home, children, probably make his life very comfortable….what is he doing for you? He wants you to continue accepting scraps, which is why he is starting to get angry when you communicate your needs to him.

This situation isn’t going to get any better my love. He’s not going to change. The lack of marriage situation shows he has been like this for years, stringing you along. I’m not just going to tell you to LTB as it’s a bloody hard decision- but you could be with someone who worships and adores you and WANTS to propose to you and call you their wife.

This is normal. You deserve this. Stop letting him tell you aren’t worth a public declaration of love, nor the little private signs too.

You are desperately trying to get him to show you affection, yet he says you think he's a loser? That doesn't make sense, but could he be depressed?

Anyway it's not working and sounds like he doesn't respect you enough to want to change, so you need to. Try not being so clingy and asking for declarations of love; become a bit more distant/aloof and confident in yourself; it may just give him something to think about. No harm in trying!