Relationship troubles during cancer

[qgirl]

Hi all,

My husband and i have struggled to maintain the closeness I would expect from a marriage. However i was recently diagnosed with incurable cancer and have started chemo and he has come up trumps. As anyone in this situation would hope for. He has supported me in the middle of the night when I am sobbing and afraid. So when the chips are down, he has absolutely been there. So far i am tolerating the chemo well (it's daily tablets rather than IV).

Because of my diagnosis two of my sisters (all my family live abroad) came to see me and arrived last Wednesday so had to do the Day 2 PCR test. They cant stay with us (MIL lives with us so we dont have a spare room) so they are staying 2 minutes walk away in an Airbnb. I took them a bag of food when they arrived at 9pm. Then on Thursday I cooked and took them food. On Friday i went to get fish and chips and dropped fish and chips back for my husband and MIL and went to eat with my sisters who i havent seen for 3 years. Husband sent a sarcastic mesage about isolation ending early. i didnt see it until i had finished eating and then because i know what he's like i left and went home.

To put the sarcastic message into perspective, previously my husband said that he was going to go on a music cruise for the day as he likes a particular music and pre-pandemic would go frequently. he hasnt been in a while so i understand him wanting to go. However with Omicron rearing its head, he said that he would refuse to work in London to protect me (he goes up 3 times a week) and that he would WFH. i told him i thought this was hypocritical. He cant refuse to go to London to work and then go up there for a jolly where becuase its winter, everyone was likely to be below deck. Hence his comment to me - which i took to mean how come he is expected to protect me when I wont protect myself from my sisters.

i have no other family in this country. He has all his family in this country and his MIL even lives with us.

We havent spoken all weekend. My sisters have passed their PCR and so came to dinner last night. It was jolly and lovely but we still arent talking to each other.

Right now I have so many negative thoughts. My cancer is metastatic so it is likely i will die from this. I am flooding my body with really negative emotions because of this and honestly i dont want to spend the time I have left (hopefully years and years) being miserable. We have a child together and I think my husband thinks I am now stuck because of my diagnosis and cant leave. i nearly left 3 years ago due to over-invested MIL who said some mean things about me in messages I found (snooped so not proud of myself). So while on the face of it, most people think she is a lovely person, i know she is two-faced. He persuaded me to stay by saying you cant leave me because of something MIL said.

i think he owes me an apology. i wont get it because he doesnt apologise to me. Also i start my next cycle this week and he will think i need the support and so will back down. But i dont see what i am backing down from.

This probably all sounds very childish and i dont know what i am looking for other than being told i am out of order if i am.

Thanks for reading x

Your family should have been isolating and not having dinner with you, I think your husband was right. He could have just let it go, but equally he had a point. It feels like you are picking and snipping at each other to be honest, perhaps that goes back to the relationship not being fundamentally great.

He's not wrong, you were irresponsible to be around your sisters before their tests had come back.

It sounds like he is doing a lot for you, having one day out would not have been hypocritical.

Why not suggest you (both) put last week behind you and start afresh?

Your husband isn’t wrong. Had they had their pcr test results back the day you went and had dinner together? If not then you are totally irresponsible especially when being ill, you could have picked it up and transferred it to the rest of your family. I get you haven’t seen them for long but there is loads of us that haven’t seen family. Anyway it’s happened now and done but no he doesn’t owe you an apology I actually think you owe him one for the risk you took.

Cancer is stressful, and can strain any relationship. Both of you are stressed by it, no doubt. I know as I have had a similar situation. Try to put this behind you and breathe it out. You have a lot going on at the moment, and you need to stay focused on what's important. I hope you are feeling well X

Those of you saying that she broke isolation - you don’t know if that’s true or not.

Of they came to the Uk and did a PCR test that day, they only have to self isolate until they get that test result back ( assuming it’s negative of course ). The Op didn’t eat with them until Friday.

I just got no so called day 2 test results back in less than 24 hours.

Also some of you seem to be missing the point about the chemotherapy for terminal cancer and the unhappy marriage .

Op I hope you have a lovely time with your family and continue to tolerant the chemo.

"My sisters have passed their PCR and so came to dinner last night"

So they got a negative result on Sunday, but you'd seen them Friday for fish and chips? Or am I misunderstanding? If so, then I don't think he was BU to comment on it, especially if he's not working in London to help.

As you've said, he's come up trumps and really supported you when the chips are down.

It's a lot for both of you to process, it'll be really complex emotions on both sides. You're facing incurable cancer, he's facing a life without his wife and having to support you / your DC through this. It's horrendous on both sides.

Genuinely OP, I hope you have the support around you - I don't think he owes you an apology for this if the timeline on the PCR results is as I mentioned above from your OP. I'd let go of the negativity and move forward if you both can.

Thank you for all responses. Even the ones telling me husband was not wrong. i wrote in to get honest opinions so I accept people wont agree with me.
They did break isolation so i hold my hands up to that (we thought they had to wait until Day 2 to do the PCR which was the Friday, the same day i had dinner with them - we didnt realise they could do it sooner). They did lateral flows before I saw them on the Friday but yes they were still in isolation.
They live a 7-hour flight away and currently i cant travel due to the chemo. there are no known cases of Omicron in the country they travelled from.
Thank you @rrf and @Double3xposure - cancer is stressful. I am continuing to work full time while running the household and coming to terms with all the emotions following my diagnosis . i am feeling ok wrt the chemo and i hope this continues.
x

Make sure you take care of yourself, and don't burn yourself out x

Maybe think about taking a break from work? Do you think you’d feel better going to stay with your sisters for support? Is that possible? Don’t spend your remaining days in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy

Hi op. I'm really sorry to hear about your cancer. I think your husband was right to be concerned about you being with your sisters before a negative pcr. Luckily it's negative so bo point dwelling on that now. Just enjoy being with them and their support.

I personally think that as he's so supportive then stay with him. Like you said he's shown his true (good) colours when the chips are down. Maybe this will bring you the closeness you want?

I wish I could cut back on work but I need my salary. Financially we are separate (he has adult kids and an ex-wife and was burnt in that relationship) although we have a joint account for household stuff. I couldn't afford to cut back. Luckily I can continue to WFH fulltime so I will continue to do so for as long as I tolerate the chemo well.
I sincerely hope this will bring us closer together but OUR behaviour over the last few days makes me so miserable.
Also wrt to my sisters - if they were able to stay with me, I wouldn't be isolating from them. But as you say, they have a negative pcr so that is done now.
Thanks for your responses x