Struggle to get over the past

[Starbrand]

Im single, 36 divorced for three years. When my husband and I were separating a friendship i had with a man developed (i was v hurt my exH had met someone fast, introd to our child etc) basically the friend promised tje world, our relationship became really intense anyway long story short he lied to me as told me he had split up with his then gfriend and basically aftwr anotjer near two years of us being together, i dont think he ever did leave her so i called him out on a few things (not met his family etc) he couldnt reasonably explain that and then we broke up. We spoke a few times on and off as friends i spose but then i went NC as i knew it was a road to no where. I still love him and feel angry with him and me that he lied to me and i spose i let love blind me. Ive not met anyone since. Im wondering if il be alone forever or never have a connection with anyone again. Im rambling but I find the past hard to let go of. Id love a caring and honest man. Btw i have a history for falling for liars- exH serial bullsh*tter . Has anyone been here?

The more you fill up your present and your future with things you love/enjoy/are inspired by, the further your past recedes.

What do you do, day to day, that inspires you, fills your mind?

Even if you never fall in love again, you can still have a thoroughly enjoyable life. If your future happiness is reliant on finding a partner, that's too much pressure on the partner. Find out how to be content on your own first, before worrying about 'Will I find somebody ever??'

With regard to falling for liars, it sounds like you need to have some boundaries, and heed the red flags rather than pushing them aside. Best to be single whilst you do this.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I jusy feel very lost and stupid

None of that stuff is happening now, except in your head. Take responsibility for yourself. You could relive this for the rest of your life and screw your whole life up, or you could do something that's good for you and will help you recover.

Choose well. Sitting about being shitty to yourself isn't the way forward. Maybe you're a lovely kind person who was kind to the wrong person? Maybe you did do a stupid thing, but smart people do stupid things sometimes.

Thank you- I put alot of energy into beating myself up

That's a learned behaviour, you know. It's not who you are, in your core. There's a part of you inside, the bit of you that feels angry at him, that knows your real worth. That's why she's angry, because she feels and understands that you deserve so much better.

Where did you learn to silence her? What was your parents relationship like when you were growing up? Did they listen to each other? Were the open, emotionally, and caring towards one another? And what about your relationship with them? Did you feel heard and respected? Did you feel like your feelings were a priority?

On the inside, you're one of those people who simply says 'Get lost!' to people who treat them poorly. Everybody is. The rest of it, the putting up with crap, the reliving it, the self blame, the feeing that we need a partner or else we'll be unhappy... that's all learned, which is good news, because what you can learn, you can unlearn.